Scottish Feminists Appoint Parrot as Spokesperson

Ms MacCaw posing for the press yesterday

Scottish Feminist group SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things)announced the controversial appointment of their new spokesperson yesterday. An Amazon Blue parrot.

Ms. Davina MacCaw (49) takes over from previous spokesperson Trisha MacFrigid(fuck off or al stab ye), after she got a good bunneting from a Masai warrior on a recent charity climb of Kilimanjaro in aid of tit cancer, and married him. Mrs. Kisioki, as she is now known, was unavailable for comment, as she is not allowed to speak for her first year as junior wife and was busy getting circumcised.

Ms. MacCaw made her first statement to assembled journalists at noon today and immediately confounded her detractors. Talking from a perch outside Hollyrood..

"Squaaawk screeeetch squaaawwwk." Began Ms. MacCaw to gasps of amazement. She continued eloquently.. "Screeetch..patriarchy....squaaawk rape culture.... screech.. domestic violence.. screech screech male privilege. (Flap flap) Squaaaaawwwwwk wage gap."

Rapturous applause erupted as the parrot stopped squawking and nibbled a cuttlefish. Many women present burst into tears.

"That was the most articulate and emotionally charged presentation of feminist theory I have ever heard. Sobbed Xena MacHarridan(still NOYFB) leader of the women's group. We have certainly made an intelligent choice in Davina."

Women's issues chunterer onner Kaye Adams(52, yes fucksakes she looks older) chimed in..

" I couldn't have made those points better myself. Mair screeching and squawking are what's needed in any discourse about gender issues. Amazon Blue. How apt."

SWAMT did not have it all it's own way. Our very own Tom Laird asked the parrot to justify some of it's comments.

"Could Ms. MacCaw explain why she is still pedalling the wage gap myth that has been so thoroughly and repeatedly debunked, and don't men experience domestic violence?" He asked smugly.

The smug look disappeared however when the parrot merely repeated the same points over and over again. Only louder and with more screeching and squawking. 

The gathered feminists orgasm ed simultaneously as our man could only look on exasperated. 

Sweden To Be Renamed "Softkogland"

Conan joins in The Satire campaign

The flaccid member

Thanks to a long running campaign by your super soar away on line news source The Satire, the country once known to us all as Sweden will from henceforth be renamed  Softkogland.

There were jubilant scenes in Stockholm yesterday when the news was announced. 

"We are so very happy with this knew name that better reflects our country and our ethos." Said 41 year old Tilde Bolrapp Chairperson of a local women's group Splittkipper.

Sweden, that joined the EU in 1995, is known as "The Flaccid Member" due to to the country's geographical resemblance to a limp penis and the extremely high number of emasculated men found within it's population.

Moves are under way to outlaw penises completely in Sweden but until that time the only penises allowed are soft ones. The castration operation began with the removal of the Swedish army's Nordic Battlegroup's heraldic lion's rampant appendage.

"Female soldiers were extremely offended by this. You just can't be allowed to go around with a penis whenever you feel like it.Even if you are a drawing on a coat of arms." Explained 49 year old Signe Saggertits Minister for the eradication of masculinity.

Sweden has a proud History. In ancient times gangs of Swedish males would travel round  the rest of Europe on exchange visits. The visits would culminate in good natured pillage and murder and the kidnapping of all the good looking women. In exchange the "Vikings" as they were affectionately known would take a shite on the altars of churches then laughingly burn the whole edifice to the ground.

During WW2 Sweden bravely remained neutral, merely allowing the Germans to avail themselves of their road and rail network to invade their neighbour Norway. They further frustrated the Nazis by limiting the amount of iron ore they exported to the Reich to a paltry 10,000,000 tons a year. They also proudly boast an arms industry with ethics that make the Monsanto corporation seem like a charitable organisation, and a flat packed furniture export industry that's the bane of many a DIY challenged husband the world over.

Despite this, Sweden, that forces men to sit down to pee, leads the world in self righteous indignation, finger wagging  and 'right on' sensibilities.

"The present renaming of our country is only a temporary measure until we can come up with a much more accurate and deserving one. Like Vajland." Shrugged 55 year old Minister for women and Cockfinder General, Astrid Kogstander.

"The Boys Won't Let Me Plaaay!" Sobs Top Scottish Feminist

Miss MacClinton makes her feelings clear on the Patriarchy not buying her a pony

A top Scottish feminist roared and gret her eyes out at the boys not letting her join in the games yesterday.

Miss Hillary MacClinton(7) of Ravelston Dykes(that's an address not a women's support group) sobbed in the playground..

"I'm so sick and fed up an tired of the boys being mean to me, they never let me play football or soldiers or anything that involves throwing. The only thing they let me play is climbing, so they can see my pants. It's no fair!"

Toby Stevens(8)angrily hit back at her accusations.

"She's just a diva. Whatever that is. She's rubbish at throwing and runs like she's wearing calipers. If she doesn't get her own way she just greets and greets until someone forces us to let her join in. God help us all if she doesn't win. She throws a tantrum. Last week we had a race where the teacher gave her a head start of ten meters. TEN METERS! It was only a 50 meter race for flips sake and she still lost. But she screamed that much that the teacher said Hillary was the real winner and gave her the prize. I'm not playing with her anymore."

Will Graham(6) on the other hand spoke up for Hillary.

"I think she's nice and pretty and I would like to kiss her. Whenever I stand near her I get a warm fuzzy feeling. If I speak up for her and not be like the other boys, she might let me. I think she likes Toby though." He said sadly.

In a shock move the Scottish feminist organisation SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things) made Hillary their Honorary Chairperson yesterday.

"Young Hillary exemplifies the attitudes of the modern feminist and embodies our ethos. We are proud to admit her to our ranks after she finishes her homework." Said SWAMT leader Xena MacHarridan(Still none of your business).

Presenter and women's issues banger onner Kaye Adams(50 and wearing it) waded in.

"As I have been saying on my TV shows, Radio programme and weekly column in the Daily Record, women are denied a voice and have been for to long. Wee Hillary is an example to us all. Mair greetin' and less reasoned debate are what's needed. And you are not seeing MY pants, so there!"

"The boys are beastly, horrible and nasty and smell of poo!" added Hillary.

Scottish Feminists Demand Men "Be Feart of Mice."

EEEeeeeeeeeeeek!!!! A mouse, like what women are feart of, in classic attack mode.

Hunners of unattractive women lobbied the Scottish government yesterday and demanded something be done about the mouse menace.

Xena MacHarridan (none of your fucking business) the chairperson for SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things) told The Satire while brandishing a bread knife..

"For far to long the Patriarchy has tolerated these so-called wee cowerous timorous beasties plaguing the lives of the sisterhood. Something must be done. While it's true that there are many women who aren't feart of mice and many men who are, this only highlights the inequality built into the system. Much much more could be done to help women."

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir Richard Attenborough at his mansion last night. "As I told you cunts before I know fuck all about animals and especially mice!" He said wearily and slammed down the phone.

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir David Attenborough at the BBC last night. It's only a mouse. It can't harm you and if anything it's more afraid of YOU. I know I certainly am. I think the ladies need to chill the fuck out and be less hysterical."

"That's it, blame the victim why don't you. This is the kind of outdated male attitude we are trying to stamp out. It's about time men started to empathise a bit more. We already tried to make women less feart of mice by explaining things logically. It's not working. It's far easier for men to take some responsibility and start being feart of mice as well, bringing about more gender equality." Ms. MacHarridan gibbered on.

Among the many mental demands she and her sisters have put before Alex Neil the Minister for Gender equality are :

• Free stools for women to jump on when accosted by a mouse.
• A free broom to try to hit the we bugger with as it darts about terrified.
• That males as young as 6 weeks old be traumatised with mice in their cot, and propagandised with nazi style public information films on the evils and dangers of mice.
• That it be made illegal to be unafraid of mice and beasties in general.
• That cartoons showing mice in a positive light IE. Mickey Mouse, Danger Mouse, Speedy Gonzalez etc. be banned.
• That mice be re-educated and taught how not to harass women.

"That final demand should be accompanied by a government funded nation wide poster and TV ad campaign targeting mice. 'Don't be THAT Mouse' should be the tag line. Men should also be made to wear a skirt when confronting a mouse, so that they can fully appreciate the horror involved in the insane primordial notion that it might run up your leg and get stuck in your jacky danny." Said Xena finally putting the knife back in her handbag.