SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts

Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.

Scotland to Break Away From UK Using Wind Turbines

Just a small amount of the proposed turbines

Oor Eck Showing the only way is UP(Literally)

In a shock announcement earlier today, The First Minister has exclusively revealed to your favourite online news source his brilliant plan to literally break Scotland away from the UK.

Shouting from a window in Bute House as he couldn't be arsed bumping into Nicola Sturgeon in the vestibule Mr. Salmond told The Satire..

" I was in the bath listening to Val Doonican's version of 'The Windmills of Your Mind' by Michel Legrand. Great stuff by the way, the production is fantastic. Anyway, It struck me that with the sheer amount of the fucking things we are building already we are, as Bon Jovi has astutely observed, half way there. If we step up the proliferation of the bird killing blight, I am convinced that within a year not only will we generate enough energy to power a small toaster( no more than 2 slice), but enough lift to rip Auld Scotia loose of it's ancient terrestrial fetters. Finally we can truly fly free. Ayyyy thenk yo!!!"

He then shouted "gardyloo!!" and emptied a bedpan left by previous incumbent Jack McConnell, all over us. 

"This is complete and utter madness!" Claimed a passing boffin who seemed to know a bit about turbines and that.

"No amount of turbines will actually create ANY lift at all. In fact it's doubtful how much electricity they will produce. Be that as it may, even if they were in fact giant propellers they will not be able to lift the whole of Scotland. If anything they'll just rip themselves out of the ground and spin about decapitating every fucker. Might I suggest fracking instead?"

"This sounds completely feasible to me." Chipped in environMENTAList and Guardian columnist George Monbiot. "However I believe that Scotland's future lies in still being attached to Great Britain. So I think the turbines should be rigged the other way so that it pushes us closer together."

Scottish Conservative leader and Wee Jimmy Cranky impersonator Ruth Davidson commented..

"I agree with George Monbiot that the UK should not be broken up. But think about the cost of this. For the price we could get a high speed train that runs from Glasgow to Edinburgh 20 minutes faster."

A homeless guy sitting nearby, gave his opinion stating..

" I don't really know much about turbines or the environment and stuff. But maybe we should all calm the fuck down and have a we bit more reasoned debate. Fuck knows! I can't stop shitting in my pants so what do I know?"

Scottish Feminists Demand Men "Be Feart of Mice."

EEEeeeeeeeeeeek!!!! A mouse, like what women are feart of, in classic attack mode.

Hunners of unattractive women lobbied the Scottish government yesterday and demanded something be done about the mouse menace.

Xena MacHarridan (none of your fucking business) the chairperson for SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things) told The Satire while brandishing a bread knife..

"For far to long the Patriarchy has tolerated these so-called wee cowerous timorous beasties plaguing the lives of the sisterhood. Something must be done. While it's true that there are many women who aren't feart of mice and many men who are, this only highlights the inequality built into the system. Much much more could be done to help women."

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir Richard Attenborough at his mansion last night. "As I told you cunts before I know fuck all about animals and especially mice!" He said wearily and slammed down the phone.

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir David Attenborough at the BBC last night. It's only a mouse. It can't harm you and if anything it's more afraid of YOU. I know I certainly am. I think the ladies need to chill the fuck out and be less hysterical."

"That's it, blame the victim why don't you. This is the kind of outdated male attitude we are trying to stamp out. It's about time men started to empathise a bit more. We already tried to make women less feart of mice by explaining things logically. It's not working. It's far easier for men to take some responsibility and start being feart of mice as well, bringing about more gender equality." Ms. MacHarridan gibbered on.

Among the many mental demands she and her sisters have put before Alex Neil the Minister for Gender equality are :

• Free stools for women to jump on when accosted by a mouse.
• A free broom to try to hit the we bugger with as it darts about terrified.
• That males as young as 6 weeks old be traumatised with mice in their cot, and propagandised with nazi style public information films on the evils and dangers of mice.
• That it be made illegal to be unafraid of mice and beasties in general.
• That cartoons showing mice in a positive light IE. Mickey Mouse, Danger Mouse, Speedy Gonzalez etc. be banned.
• That mice be re-educated and taught how not to harass women.

"That final demand should be accompanied by a government funded nation wide poster and TV ad campaign targeting mice. 'Don't be THAT Mouse' should be the tag line. Men should also be made to wear a skirt when confronting a mouse, so that they can fully appreciate the horror involved in the insane primordial notion that it might run up your leg and get stuck in your jacky danny." Said Xena finally putting the knife back in her handbag.

Kenny MacArsekhole Writes...

The justice secretary looks through the names of those non-politicians suspected of drinking without his permission

His Excellency Commissar Comrade Kenneth MacArsekhole writes an open letter to his people.

Greetings to you the humble and exalted proletariat.

People often say to me, "Kenny, Is it no a bit rich you banging on and on about the evils of alcohol when you were arrested for being drunk and disorderly outside a fitba' match?" To them I can only say, "shut yer mooth!" Yeah yeah yeah it's boring now OK. 

Then just the other day the Venerable peoples representative for Perthshire South and Kinross-shire Comrade Cunningham, was accused of launching in to a 'boozy rant' at a couple of blue rinse capitalistic swine in a Hollyrood bar.

Now these same idiots are coming out the woodwork again. "Blah blah that's a bit rich, blah blah hypocrisy etc etc". Need I go on?(Glug glug glug aaahhhh)

Well I'm going to anyway. Comrade Cunningham and myself are socialists. That means we believe in bettering the working class.(hic!) Who better to better them than their bettersh? This is why we are bringing in a minimum price for alcohol.(hic!) Comrade Cunningham exemplified this policy. You didn't catch her down the park with a six pack of Spesh, abusing passers by. No! She had the decency to glug highly expensive but subsidised Chateau neuf du pape and abuse tory MSP's.(Slurrrrp!)

Because I and Comrade Cunningham are socialists we believe that the government should pay for thingsh. Thingsh like our highly lucrative shalaries and expenshes and of course the odd bottle or three of extortionate  plonk.(hic!)

There is no hypocrishy in thish whatshoever.(buuuurrp!) Shcuse me! We are simply keeping in touch with the people by shelflessly experiencing the evils of alcohol for ourselves, all the better to combat it. The SNP are a party of the people. We stand for justice, abstinance and...er...geez a minute er....( at this point an aide appears and whispers in the commrades ear) Independence! Aye that's it. I always forget that one, Independence. The right to self determination. Excshept of course the right to determine to get reekin on cheap booze unless you're a commissar like me Eck and Roseanna.

Power to the people! Long live the revolution.!(hic!)