Friday, 9 December 2011


        The Brannen BJ69 Duberryferkin "It's The Bollocks"

Jools Holland says             " I've always done alright with the birds.
                                       But ever since buying one of these Brannen
                                       Jobbies,  girls as young as 16 have been 
                                       queueing up in droves to suck my cock"

We've all been there. You come home from a hard day screwing up the economy at the bank and all you want to do is listen to some Mantovani, or perhaps some Napalm Death, or maybe even Aga Do by Black Lace. Fuck knows! You get the picture. But wait! Since moving into that swanky new 3 bedroom bastard house you couldn't really afford but she'd been nagging on at you for for two years just to impress her parents and her idiot mates, you haven't been arsed to unpack your impressive CD collection. So off you traipse up to the "guest room". Bollocks! Which box were they in again? No. Not that one. That's all her exercise DVD's and the Thighblaster TM  that's in as much danger as seeing action as as a train spotter's tadger. After an hour you finally find what your looking for. Shite! All her CD's are at the top. NOW That's what I call an absolute load of bilge volumes 1 through 100. Katie fuckin Melua, God who listens to her? Where the fuck are your CD's? Ahh finally after rummaging through a car boot sale of utter crap you get to what you want. 
But what's this? Once back in the lounge you open up Nigel Kennedy's Vivaldi Four Seasons to find the kid's Bob the Builder CD. Do you know what, FUCK IT that'l do. You're not going back up those stairs. Then when you eventually get it in and press play it only skips and jumps like Graham Norton on his way to judge a Beautiful Bums contest.
Frankly, who needs the balls ache? Not fuckin you that's who. Put an end to the CD misery with the Brannen BJ69 Thingummy.
Features Include:
  • A big fuck off button on the front.
  • A display that tells you what's on and that.
  • A Dial that's the big button as well
  • Small enough to leave on the Bus, Train, Plane or in back of a taxi 
These exclusive innovations allow you to:
  • Put all your music onto one machine. A bit like your computer
  • Choose and play an album or track without getting off your arse. A bit like a hi-fi
  • You get to see what's playing from across the room. A bit like using binoculars
  • One button plays all your tracks at random. Another turns it off. A bit like your computer again
  • Show off to the kind of tossers that live in your mock Tudor gulag
If that's not enough for you to give the credit card a caning listen to this...
Jools Holland chunters on, "I was sick to my boogey woogey piano playing tits of rummaging through my CD's constantly. Wasting valuable advertising time fart arsing about with cases and buttons. After only 67 hours of shoving discs in and out of that slot at the front. My entire collection is available at the touch of a dial. Well actually I got my Polish maid to do it. I was to busy being fellated by barely legals. Not only that but my boogey woogey piano playing has improved no end I can tell you."
Just look at these other celebrity endorsements you cynical twat.
"If I had have had one of them  Brannen contraptions I wouldn't have been interfering with Her Maj's lady bits"
  M. Fagan HMP Broadmoor
" Why oh why oh why don't I have a Brannen? I  Think I'll go out and kill every fucker"
 Anders Behring Breivik. Norway
" If my son had have had a Brannen he'd never have been eaten by a bear!"
  That bloke wots son was eaten by a bear. UK
 " Force all these striking civil servant twats to buy one of these gizmos and they'd soon go back to work"
   Jeremy Clarkson. The Cotswolds
  " I was going to Nuke Israel into the stone age but now I have my Brannen and don't need to rummage through my Yusef Islam collection, I've chilled the fuck out."  Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Iran

Let the final word go to the man himself. The electronic genius that is Mathew Brannen

" If it wasn't for this thing I invented no one would know who the hell I was and I'd be still buggering about with Sir Clive Sinclair. If you don't buy one you're a dick. A dick who's destined to spend his days fannying about with CD's while your kids and the neighbours kids piss themselves a laughing at you. Come on yer miserable git. It's Christmas and it might even help the economy. So rope the missus or whoever into getting you one. Yes I know I won't tell you how much it is. If I did you'd say "Fucksakes! Sod that! And just put all your sounds on your hard drive."

Buy the Brannen BJ69 at a knockdown price from The Satire! No! We're not telling you the price either.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Ask The Doctor.

Each week your favourite on line news source brings you top notch medical advice from a high profile celebrity Doctor. This week Dr. Christian Szell off of The Marathon Man answers all your dental related queries in his own inimitable and chilling fashion. So without anymore ado let's literally get on with it. 

Q. Dear Herr Doktor,
     My brother was recently run over in a car accident carrying the keys to a safe deposit box in Switzerland. In that box are over $100,000,000 in diamonds. I'm also having terrible problems with my wisdom teeth giving me gyp. To complicate matters even further I am a high profile Nazi war criminal hiding out in S. America. What I need to know from you is, is it safe?    Werner Von Abwehr,  Paraguay
A. Ja, Ja! Ist ein teaser. Vot I would do is tie someone to ein chair and go to work on zem vith a pair of pliers. The results however are disappointing, as zey often tell you what zey sink you want to know just to avoid the pain. Might I suggest ein cup of tea und ein friendly chat. Und if zat does not work. Knock zem out with ketamine in their tea. Und ven zey come round.Go to work on them with ein pair of pliers and ein Black und Decker drill. 
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I'm having a devil of a time trying to find a dentist In Edinburgh. Do you accept NHS patients.  Mrs I. MacTights. Saughton
A. Nein! I'm strictly ein private practice.
Q. Dear Doctor Szell,
     I'm thinking of quantitatively easing billions of pounds into the economy to try and prevent a double dip. Is it safe?
     G. Osborne. Westminster
A. Nein! It never worked for der fatherland in the 1930's
Q. Dear Dr. Szell,
     I wonder if in all the years you were in hiding if any of your mates thought it was hilarious to call you "Soft Szell" and sing Tainted Love whenever you were around?  Marc Almond.  (Address withheld)
A. Ha ha ha ha! Ja, ja sehr gut! Ja zat insufferable bastard Martin Bormann used to do that all the time. Der cunt didn't sink it voz zat funny when I knocked him out with ketamine in his tea, tied him to ein chair and went to work on him ven he came round with ein pair of pliers und ein hand drill with a windy handle on it. Ze squeaking alone drove him mad. As ein serendipity I subsequently discovered he was ein Soviet spy as well.
Q. Dr. Szell,
     I couldn't help admiring that retractable dagger you keep up the sleeve of your jacket for slashing the throats of nosey and accusatory ex concentration camp inmates. What I want to know is, has it ever popped out unexpectedly and embarrassingly at an inappropriate moment?  Anders Behring Breivik.  Norway
A. Ja! Once on ein Lufthansa flight out of Frankfurt Main a buxom stewardess bent over me to help me find mein seat belt giving me ein fine eyeful of her wunderbar tits. I had absent mindedly left mein fly open und Mein Gott!! Aus popped ze old schlanger auf die hosen. Alle ist well zat ends well. She gave me ein terrific noshing due to mein celebrity status... Ah Wait! I see vot you mean. You mean ze dagger. Ha ha I do love ein gut double entendre.
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I'm currently on the train from Surbiton to Waterloo doing the Daily Telegraph crossword and wonder if you could help me with 14 down. The clue is "Strong box with a combination lock for keeping valuables". Four letters ending in 'E'. Is it safe?  Major E. Southby Taylyor . via e-mail
A. Ja! Idiot!
Q. Dr. Szell,
     Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like my late uncle Charlie?  Ms R. Young. Blantyre
A. Nein!
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I'm a newly wed man and I'm finding it difficult to convince my young bride to perform fellatio upon me. I love her dearly and do not wish for this to come between us. I've tried covering it in chocolate but to no avail. Any advice? HRH Prince Wiliam.
A. Arschloch! I'm Herr Doktor Christian Szell. Not Dr. Fucking Ruth. Vot ze hell do I care? Knock ze bitch out with ketamine  or rohypnol.Ven she comes round go to work on her with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill till she complies.
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I am a 44 year old man. I saw my GP recently and was shocked when he ordered me to bend over and stuck his index finger up my arse. Is this normal, but most importantly is it safe? T.Laird. Edinburgh
A. Zis is not mein area of expertise, not involving ein pair of pliers or ein drill. But I know enough to confidently assure you it is both safe und perfectly routine in a man your age.
Q. What? In the checkout queue in Waitrose? Barrroom Tchh!!! T.Laird. Edinburgh
A. Imbecile! Ze old ones are der best is zat not so?
Q. Liebe Herr Doktor,
     I was recently force fed a load of precious stones at gunpoint by Dustin Hoffman. It's playing merry hell with my movements. I haven't been able to have a crap properly for weeks now. I've been eating All Bran and prunes for days. Nothing! What say you?  Angela Merkel . Der Deutchen Bundestag
A. Schweinhund!!! Zat prick is always doing zat. Try an extra strong curry followed by some Jaaps. That got me going but zey really make your eyes water on the way out I can fucking tell you. Might I suggest the next time you see him you knock him out with ketamine, tie him to a chair till he comes round zen go to work on him with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill.
That's all from the very busy psychopath. If you have any further questions for the good Doctor please put them in the comments section below and Dr. Szell will do his utmost to reply in between bouts of grisly torture.
Next Week.....  Dr. Ian Paisley