Monday, 27 August 2012

"SNP Will Kill Us All In Our Beds!!" Warns Jim Murphy

    "We're a' doomed! "Jim looks grim doing an Impression of Pvt. Frazer In Dads Army

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy ran amok through the streets of Edinburgh yesterday. Grabbing random people by the lapels screaming and shouting maniacally into their stunned faces.
The gist of his prophecy of doom is that if the SNP get their way they will murder us all and our cherub like children in their wee beds. East Renfrewshire MP Jim, who's hobbies include Football, Golf and entertaining notorious gangsters at Labour party fundraisers. Accosted, among many others, Mrs Ina MacTights(21) as she exited Scotmid.

 "I thought I was being mugged at first, then as he shook me back and forth he bellowed at me 'Don't you know you're all going to die! The SNP are coming! Run to the hills!' Well I nearly took a heart attack. There should be a law against it. Who was that lunatic?"

When our reporter explained that Mr. Murphy was a Scottish Labour MP. Mrs. MacTights said she would definitely be voting for him as that's what her mother always done.

In a prepared statement given to The Satire! yesterday evening Mr. Murphy further claimed that :

  1. If Scotland breaks away from the UK it will fall into the sea and drown us all.
  2. Children as young as 6 weeks old will be forced to eat porridge.
  3. Lions, Tigers, Wolves, Polar Bears and Giant beavers will terrorize our streets.
  4. The only programmes allowed on STV will be Parahandy, The White Heather Club, Thingummyjig and endless shows presented by Pat Kane.
  5. Sean Connery will come round and slap your wife.
  6. Drunks in English parks and underground stations will be repatriated.
  7. Aliens will Invade
Jim Murphy wants your vote.

Tourist Stabbed to Death on Royal Mile to Rapturous Applause

                           The Royal Mile(Sans bloodbath) yesterday

Hundreds of visiting dimwits, and a few locals as well, looked on in thrilled amazement as a tourist from Korea was first robbed, thrown around like a rag doll then plunged 37 times.
Howard and Myrtle Schikelgruber (66 and 61) of North Carolina were witnesses to the event.

"We were witnesses to the whole darn event" drawled Howard. Resplendent in tartan trousers and Tam O' Shanter bunnet. "Look honey! I said to Myrtle. The kids are puttin' on a show. People were a whoopin' and a hollerin', clappin' their hands an stamping their feet. Someone with a fiddle then joined in with a reel. I remember thinkin' why crimminy that blood sure looks real' as it spattered my wife. Someone even came round with a hat at the end. The applause went on and on before after around 10 mins or so someone realised the guy was actually dead and phoned for medics."

"Gee it sure is a cryin' shame for that young China man." Said Myrtle. "I sure hope he wasn't a heathen communist and will at least get to be with Jesus. It's so sad because the Scotch are so friendly. Only that same mornin' a guy in a turban sold us some genuine MacSchikelgruber tartan at a knock down price of only $1,100. Howard and I didn't even know we were Scotch.

Lothian and Borders police are looking for two neds trying to sell a bloodstained Apple laptop with Korean characters on the keyboard.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Mars Rover Tested In Edinburgh

                (Curiosity negotiates Haymarket tram works last year)
From our Science Corespondent Prof. Charles Minglestein

In another Satire exclusive we can reveal that the multi gazillion dollar Mars rover was secretly tested on the roads and streets of Edinburgh to see if it was worth a toss. And almost failed.
According to NASA's top boffin down the pub, Prof. Dwight Donaldson Jr. It was touch and go for a while.
"It was touch and go for a while", he said as he filled in The Sunday Times cryptic crossword and did a Rubik's cube while he formulated a new theory on the daily specials board between Lasagna and Scampi. "Frankly the whole thing nearly went tits up, and we almost ended up with a squillion dollars worth of scrap as the rover tried desperately to turn right at the top of Palmerston Place and narrowly avoided being banjo'd by a taxi. Then as it frantically tried to get to Gorgie Rd it got its wheels stuck in one of those mesh fence things that are fucking everywhere and fell upside down in a trench. Thankfully after 36 hours of terror it managed to right itself and ask a Korean tourist where to find a crossing point. We were all bricking it and I thought I was going to have to tell the President that our high falootin' trip to Mars had all gone for a ball of shite in some English backwater. At least now we know that if it can get from A to B in Edinburgh it will piss all over anything the red planet can throw at it. At a fraction of the cost of a tram apparently"
Prof. Donaldson then shat himself at the price of a pint of Guinness.