Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.

                                        

Unemployment a Real Boon to Creativity Claims Unemployed Layabout

  (Unemployed layabout and satirical genius Tom Laird enjoying a Holiday in Africa at the taxpayer's expense. SCUM!!)

Being out of gainful employment is a real boost to creativity and should be encouraged says 44 year old slacker and self styled Editor in Chief of the on line satirical colossus that is The Satire!

In between bouts of chronic onanism Mr. Laird told himself. "This unemployment lark is fantastic. I don't know what the hell everyone is worried about. I can lay around in my festering wank machine all day if I like. Watching endless episodes of Frasier and Blackadder. Then of an evening I can stay out late on the pish not having to worry about dragging my sorry corpse out of my pit and going to my so called "work". 

Asked about how he intended to pay his rent or buy food Mr. Laird just grunted and disappeared back under the duvet with a copy of Big and Busty. Constant masturbation not withstanding Tom has managed to knock more than one out. In the last few days he's turned out more articles than he has in the preceding year. Seemingly backing up his theory.

"Ok, Ok. They might not be very funny." He said, strumming away to Escort. "But I thoroughly recommend telling your boss to shove the lucrative job up his arse. Before you know it you'll be giving that bastard B.P Perry at IV a run for his money on the funny stakes. I ask you? Who needs a job in the current climate, what with Christmas coming up and that? Anyway I'm not unemployed. I'm having a hiatus. You know, doing a gap year. I'm going to go inter railing round Europe." He laughed and laughed maniacally .

Tom Laird is almost 45, still has his own teeth and is available for sexual favours at reasonable rates.

Scottish Division to be Amalgamated

(Above: The New IFV  MACV10)

(Left: Pvt Col. F. Douglas in the ceremonial

garb of the newly formed regiment)

                                         

Old soldiers were furious yesterday at the news that the Scottish Division is to be downsized even further in a sweeping new defence cut anounced by the government .

In a massive shake up of the existing structure, The Royal Regiment of Scotland is to be reduced down to one soldier. The new regiment will be known as the 1st Bn The Queen's Ownly Highlander and is to be based in a Portakabin in Edinburgh Castle Esplanade.

The regiments only soldier, Frankie Douglas from Partick, is to be given the new rank of Private Colonel in keeping with the rigours of the regiment's new role. Pvt Col. Douglas will be responsible for administration and discipline within the new formation as well as having to execute the ordinary everyday duties expected of a modern infantry soldier. To reduce costs even further Pvt Col. Douglas will have to feed and equip himself at his own expense, although on the receipt of this news many old soldiers have remarked "What the fuck's new?" The MOD have however managed to negotiate a deal with ASDA/Wal-Mart where the new regiment will be given a 10% discount on all work related products including tins of beans, spam, corned beef, own brand tea/coffee and  DPM combat gear from George. The Soldier will also be expected to fuck himself about on a regular basis.

A top Army Head Shed, Brigadier General Sir Alan Empty Uniform-Smyth OBN* gave The Satire his thoughts on the new arrangements. "Well you know it's always been my view that the traditional set up of the Army has always been the best one and I have made my views about these disgraceful and dangerous defence cuts absolutely clear". He said, covering his arse. Asked whether he or any of his fellow officers planned to resign their commisions in protest over the cuts the Brigadier coughed and spluttered, looked at his watch and said ," Good Lord! Is that the time? I must be getting on up to the mess. I have every confidence in the ability of our brave chap to cope with whatever challenges he will face." With that he stood up, saluted then about turned and walked into a cupboard.

The news of the amalgamation comes on the heels of a revelation that the new regiment is to be deployed to Afghanistan early next year. He will be the first unit to be equipped with the recently unveiled state of the art Armoured Personnel Carrier. The much touted AFV MACV 10, Kevlar 18 speed Mountain Bike with front mounted basket. Able to carry 5 kilos of groceries or even ammunition. Top MOD boffins have described the new vehicle as "The Rolls Royce of modern armoured infantry transport". Soldiers carrying out trials of the prototype at Warminster and BATUS earlier this year described it as "a pile of shite!"

Pvt Col. Douglas was unavailable for comment as he was beasting himself up the Pentland hills.

*Order of the Brown Nose