Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Rommel Was A German, Shocker!!!!!

(General Feld Marschall Erwin Rommel
The smile belies the sinister fact......
He was a German.)

(Above Right: A German......Disgusting!)

The World and particularly dull Daily Mail readers were aghast today at the revelations the hitherto respected Erwin Rommel turns out to be German.
A new exhibition put on by some self loathing revisionist historians in Stuttgart called " The Non German Myth". Aims to shatter the belief that he was in no way a Krauser that went about North Africa shooting people at the behest of his mental, baby eating , mono testicled fuhrer. Or that he was just a decent bloke out for a drive in his Kubelwagen, when he stumbled across a couple of hundred thousand British Soldiers trampling all over wogs and stealing their dates.
Madly badly informed regular rent-a-quote for tabloids, Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead fumed "I think it's a disgrace. My Grandad was a bus conductor in Clydebank during the war and saw a UXB in Yoker. I hate to think what could have happened to him because of the Germans. I for one won't be watching anymore films with Mr. Rimmel in them. Or buying anymore of his beauty products. I hope he commits suicide."
Her thoughts were echoed by Edna McScone (71). " I think it's disgraceful as well. My second cousin's wife's granny met a Jew once. He was an awfy nice man so they say. He got knocked down an killed by a BMW in Giffnock. The Germans should be ashamed. Anyway it's these Pakies and Albanians you have to watch. They are everywhere."
Old soldier and former Desert Rat, Hughie  MacWheezey (86 ye know) was never fooled however. He remembers the time he was captured and cruelly interrogated by the Desert Fox outside Tobruk in 1942. Speaking from the British Legion club in Larkhall he told The Satire. "All this guff about him being a gallant hero and a gentleman is just complete nonsense. I remember him goose stepping up to me, fixing me with an evil stare and saying, "Vot iss your name?" I knew right there and then he was a sausage munching kraut scumbag and not to be trifled with. So I told him everything. His eyes were really close together. I think he might have been a catholic as well. None of yous are Tims are you? Winston Churchill. He had the right idea with the Irish you know."
The exhibition continues and will be followed up in April with " Uncle Joe Stalin-He wasn't that bad a bloke."

Dictator Urged To Step Down By African Union

From our Africa Corespondent Chaka Mingeleles

After an historic meeting held in Addis Ababa yesterday the Pan African Parliament called on Gordon McGrabby to relinquish power  and ease the suffering of his impoverished people.
Unelected McGrabby(57) has stubbornly held office in Zinabadway since June 2007 where he has been responsible for the worst economic situation in the country's history. Unemployment is soaring,  food prices are rocketing and McGrabby's government are having to raise tax and borrow £500,000,000 per day to bail out the corrupt financial institutions.
Human rights watchdogs have also been concerned about the tyrant's abuse of power in respect of the opposition. Recently anti-terrorist police, under orders from his feared Home secretary, raided the offices of an opposition MP and arrested him on charges of not being in the Labour party.
Speaking from the podium in front of over 200 representatives of African nations Gertrude Mongella, President of the A.U, made this appeal to Mr. McGrabby  yesterday.
"Once you were hailed as the saviour of your people. Ready to lead them into a new Jerusalem of peace, prosperity, over inflated property prices and crazy borrowing. But now that it is clear that you do not know your arse from your elbow. Do the decent thing and give a free and fair election to your people.
She then called for McGrabby to lend them some cash. 

Monday, 22 December 2008

Ultimate Frisbee, Ultimately 98% More Annoying.

(Left: Our Science corespondent
Checks the data)

(Below: If only......)

From our Science Corespondent Miss Honey Bunns Phd

Top Boffins at  Herriot Watt University have concluded that Ultimate Frisbee, the popular sport played by ultra alpha fuck wits, is almost 100% more annoying than its more tedious counterpart.
The blatantly obvious results were confirmed by The Satire's science correspondent late last night( another late night for me and the lovely Miss Bunns. Ed.), as well as everyone else who has ever had a 14 stone dickhead ruining their day.
"Ultimate", as it is known to it's participants, is a limited contact team sport played with a 175 gramme flying disc, and was invented in 1968 by Joel Silver and some student mates from Columbia University in an attempt to prove their cocks were bigger than anyone else. The sport takes place in any busy public recreation area, such as a park or beach, and points are scored in accordance with which teams cause the most annoyance, and inflicts the most casualties on innocent bystanders. Players must also have a pair of Oakleys permanently riveted to the top of their head.
 The sport is now played internationally, although participants are encouraged to shout banal Americanisms such as, "Woooo!!" "Alright!!! Yeah!!! Hell Yeah!!! Owned!! And to do that idiotic dance where you stir a big imaginary cauldron with both hands. 
Despite the macho posturing it has now also been conclusively proved that male competitors of Ultimate have on average a much smaller penis than a prepubescent boy. It's likely that the original inventors of the sport were big fearties who couldn't take part in other normal contact sports. High instances of gayness,hairdressing, a penchant for fashion and flower arranging have also been recorded.
The news will come as a shock to most Ultimate players both male and female who reckoned they were granite.
Australian aficionado Jett McLachlan told The Satire. " Aww mate take yer hand off it. You wouldn't say that if you just had your nose skinned by an off target throw. Any Idea how many toddlers I've killed? How many cyclists I have personally flattened? How many picnics I have put an abrupt end to?No? Yee well rack off then mate." He then flashed what appeared to be a chipolata smuggled in his pants then back flipped and moon walked away.
Another version of the game, known as Intense Ultimate, has been developed for those intent on irritating other people within a more confined space.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Scottish Division to be Amalgamated

(Above: The New IFV  MACV10)

(Left: Pvt Col. F. Douglas in the ceremonial
garb of the newly formed regiment)

Old soldiers were furious yesterday at the news that the Scottish Division is to be downsized even further in a sweeping new defence cut anounced by the government .
In a massive shake up of the existing structure, The Royal Regiment of Scotland is to be reduced down to one soldier. The new regiment will be known as the 1st Bn The Queen's Ownly Highlander and is to be based in a Portakabin in Edinburgh Castle Esplanade.
The regiments only soldier, Frankie Douglas from Partick, is to be given the new rank of Private Colonel in keeping with the rigours of the regiment's new role. Pvt Col. Douglas will be responsible for administration and discipline within the new formation as well as having to execute the ordinary everyday duties expected of a modern infantry soldier. To reduce costs even further Pvt Col. Douglas will have to feed and equip himself at his own expense, although on the receipt of this news many old soldiers have remarked "What the fuck's new?" The MOD have however managed to negotiate a deal with ASDA/Wal-Mart where the new regiment will be given a 10% discount on all work related products including tins of beans, spam, corned beef, own brand tea/coffee and  DPM combat gear from George. The Soldier will also be expected to fuck himself about on a regular basis.
A top Army Head Shed, Brigadier General Sir Alan Empty Uniform-Smyth OBN* gave The Satire his thoughts on the new arrangements. "Well you know it's always been my view that the traditional set up of the Army has always been the best one and I have made my views about these disgraceful and dangerous defence cuts absolutely clear". He said, covering his arse. Asked whether he or any of his fellow officers planned to resign their commisions in protest over the cuts the Brigadier coughed and spluttered, looked at his watch and said ," Good Lord! Is that the time? I must be getting on up to the mess. I have every confidence in the ability of our brave chap to cope with whatever challenges he will face." With that he stood up, saluted then about turned and walked into a cupboard.
The news of the amalgamation comes on the heels of a revelation that the new regiment is to be deployed to Afghanistan early next year. He will be the first unit to be equipped with the recently unveiled state of the art Armoured Personnel Carrier. The much touted AFV MACV 10, Kevlar 18 speed Mountain Bike with front mounted basket. Able to carry 5 kilos of groceries or even ammunition. Top MOD boffins have described the new vehicle as "The Rolls Royce of modern armoured infantry transport". Soldiers carrying out trials of the prototype at Warminster and BATUS earlier this year described it as "a pile of shite!"
Pvt Col. Douglas was unavailable for comment as he was beasting himself up the Pentland hills.

*Order of the Brown Nose


                 Available from all good Newsagents NOW!!!
     (Ladies: Why not buy your loved one a subscription this Christmas?)

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Obama Change Train Derailed

( Barack Obama: Attempting to levitate the whole of America out of the shit)

From Our Washington corespondent Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's Train of change crashed to a spectacular halt yesterday, as millions of ordinary hard working Americans awoke to the realisation that it was going to be the same old shit with a different boss.
Disgruntled former Obama campaigner Mike Delaney(35) a Stevedore from Philadelphia woke up this morning and found to his disappointment that he still had bills to pay.
" I mean is this the shit what I busted my ass to get Barack elected for for christsakes?" He promised us change. He is just another lying politician. Apparently I will still got to pay my bills after he gets sworn in. What bullshit is this?" Asked Delaney angrily from his clearly dilapidated house. "And my wife is STILL a fat bitch!" He added ruefully.
Mr. Delaney is sadly typical of many disaffected voters all over America. According to a CNN poll carried out last night:
  • A staggering 78% of the population still felt that their life was shit.
  • An Incredible 69% claimed their kids still hated them.
  • A whopping 94% said their neighbors were assholes.
  • 60% were shocked to realise Obama was black.
  • 75% felt betrayed that the second coming of christ didn't happen.
  • 63% agreed with Delaney that their wives were still fat bitches.
  • 49% said Obama should fry for what he did on 9-11.
This news puts somewhat of a damper on Obama's sweeping victory in the recent election.
"We at least thought the euphoria would last till after he was sworn in."
Said Obama spokesman Dwight D. Donaldson (48). Asked about Republican calls for The President Elect to prove his nationality Mr Donaldson coughed and said "We are responding to that question as quickly as we can. There seems to be a problem finding Barack's passport. It appears the dog may have eaten it.
Former Republican presidential nominee John McCain commented in reply. "Has anyone seen my glasses? I'm sure I had them. "His wife pointed out they were on top of his head then directed him back to bed.

Violent Criminal to Sue Kenny MacAskill

                     (Right: MacAskill: Some animals more equal than others)

(Left: DC Thomson threatening our reporter)

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP(50) is to be sued in conjunction with the Home Office by multiple killer and Glasgow underworld hard man, D.C " It wisnae me" Thomson.
D.C (54) , also known as "The Claimant" due to his habit of claiming everything from several lives to The Dole and disability, was a one time associate of the East Ends infamous toy wielding thugs The Kraze Twins. The nature of Mr Thomson's complaint against the Home office and in Particular Mr. MacAskill are twofold.
  1. That the Home office and the Justice secretary are violating Thomson's human rights by putting him in prison.
  2. That most of Mr. Thomson's crimes were committed under the influence of cheap alcohol, and that if The Justice secretary had introduced his draconian drinking laws sooner, Thomson would not be where he is today.
Speaking from very plush Legal Aid financed offices in Edinburgh, Thomson's lawyer, Donald Farquhar Q.C of Shyster, Farquhar and Charlatan , made the following statement.
" Mr. Thomson is just another victim here. The real problem is the system which allowed my client to get violently drunk in the first place. What is also a national disgrace is the conditions my client has to put up with. It is bad enough that they have taken away his liberty, it is further insult to injury that he is kept locked up in a prison all day every day as well. What kind of world are we leaving our children, when an innocent violent criminal can have his freedom curtailed like this?" Mr Farquhar(50) then lit up a Cuban cigar with a £100 note and laughed as he examined a huge pile of Legal Aid applications on his desk.
Thomson's reign of fear came to an end 5 years ago when he was convicted of the murder of Glasgow Off Licence worker Cheryl McLaughlin, her entire family and anyone who knew them. Miss McLaughlin had refused to sell the violent head case a carry out on the grounds that the shop was no longer open. If Thomson succeeds in his bid, it will be his 4th victory in 5 years. Previous claims include:
  • £150,000 for not giving him a cell with a nice view
  • £50,000 for forcing him to associate with criminals
  • £55,000 for having been provided with the wrong colour curtains that really fucked with his feng shui
  • £35 to have his clothes dry cleaned from the blood of fellow inmate Wullie " ten bob" Campbell
This comes as another blow to the Scottish Justice Minister who's tenure has been blighted by extremely unpopular policies. A spokesman for the Minister Donald Davidson(39) issued this statement to The Satire.
" This tragic case only goes to highlight the importance of stopping supermarkets selling booze to ordinary plebs. Had Miss McLaughlin's off licence shop not been selling Carlsberg special brew at Six cans for £4.00 she would still be alive and Mr. MacAskill would be out of a lucrative job....erm ..well....I mean.. eh...sorry...erm.. I didn't think this one through."
Former Left Wing firebrand Kenny MacAskill, who instantly realised Socialism was bollocks the minute he was offered the £92,000 per year plus expenses position, was unavailable for comment as he was getting pished at a football match.