Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Unemployment a Real Boon to Creativity Claims Unemployed Layabout

  (Unemployed layabout and satirical genius Tom Laird enjoying a Holiday in Africa at the taxpayer's expense. SCUM!!)

Being out of gainful employment is a real boost to creativity and should be encouraged says 44 year old slacker and self styled Editor in Chief of the on line satirical colossus that is The Satire!
In between bouts of chronic onanism Mr. Laird told himself. "This unemployment lark is fantastic. I don't know what the hell everyone is worried about. I can lay around in my festering wank machine all day if I like. Watching endless episodes of Frasier and Blackadder. Then of an evening I can stay out late on the pish not having to worry about dragging my sorry corpse out of my pit and going to my so called "work". 
Asked about how he intended to pay his rent or buy food Mr. Laird just grunted and disappeared back under the duvet with a copy of Big and Busty. Constant masturbation not withstanding Tom has managed to knock more than one out. In the last few days he's turned out more articles than he has in the preceding year. Seemingly backing up his theory.
"Ok, Ok. They might not be very funny." He said, strumming away to Escort. "But I thoroughly recommend telling your boss to shove the lucrative job up his arse. Before you know it you'll be giving that bastard B.P Perry at IV a run for his money on the funny stakes. I ask you? Who needs a job in the current climate, what with Christmas coming up and that? Anyway I'm not unemployed. I'm having a hiatus. You know, doing a gap year. I'm going to go inter railing round Europe." He laughed and laughed maniacally .
Tom Laird is almost 45, still has his own teeth and is available for sexual favours at reasonable rates.

Gordon Lightfoot Finds Someone Creeping Round His Back Stairs

                                  ( Gordon Lightfoot: "Surprisingly unfazed")

Canadian troubadour Gordon Lightfoot found someone creeping round his back stairs yesterday evening yet remains disappointingly and surprisingly unfazed by the incident.

At 18:00 Hrs Eastern Standard Time (around dusk) yesterday evening, Corporal Marty 'Moose' MacGonagal,of 'A' Division Ontario RCMP took the call.
"We received the call telling us that Mr. Lightfoot had reported a disturbance and a possible intruder on the stairs at the rear of his Condo. My partner Constable Larson and I just stared in horror at each other. My God, I thought. Gordon's been banging on for years aboot how someone should 'take care!' if he ever foond them creeping aroond his back stairs. Frankly we expected a bloodbath. Or at the very least we'd find someone beaten to death with an acoustic guitar eh. We flew along that 401 to Mississauga at top speed eh.

But when we arrived at the condo we just foond Mrs. Lightfoot looking a bit like a queen in a sailor's dream pointing oot a man wandering away doon the street. She was quite agitated and I couldn't help feeling she wasn't saying what she really meant. However when we stopped the man, sure enough he had indeed been at Gordon's residence, but had a reasonable enough explanation. When I told the guy who's stairs he'd been on he nearly shit himself. It was a close call. Mr. Lightfoot just sat on his balcony the whole time looking surprisingly unfazed and singing 'If you could read my mind'. Which I suppose could be a bit sinister but all in all it was somewhat of an anti climax."

Gordon Lightfoot is 73 and pisses all over Alanis Morissette's whiny shite.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Vladimir Putin Finally Cuts to the Chase and Gets His Cock out

(Photo of "Putin's Penis" released by his PR man.  Above: Putin indulging in various vicarious Cock Out pursuits)

Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister and savior has finally stopped arsing around with a load of macho posturing and got his cock out, once and for all proving beyond doubt what a big man he is.

That is according to a photo released by his PR Agency yesterday. The move comes amid calls from millions of bored Russians, sick to their tits of his macho antics, to just get it out and be done with it.

"I'm sick to my strategic tits of his macho antics." Groaned former world chess champion an political hopeful Gary Kasparov. "What bloody difference does it make to how well he can run the country? All that chest beating eh? What I want to know is why he won't play me at chess. Come on then. Let's have you Vlad. If you think you are hard enough. Let's see your moves. Ok, what about Draughts? Connect Four? Fuck it let's see who can pee the highest up the wall". He then made chicken noises and walked away doing a Norman Collier impression.

Mr. Putin is not the first Russian leader to demonstrate a direct link between cock and power. Ivan IV "The Terrible" would dispatch his dreaded Oprichniki to ride the length and breadth of the land waving a black banner bearing a "likeness" of Ivan's massive member at the peasants and nobles alike.

Potemkin would oft times sweep imperiously through the court of Catherine the Great, his cock trailing majestically and nonchalantly along the floor behind him. Sometimes with an enraptured Catherine still clinging to it. Much to the chagrin and consternation of her assembled nobility and clergy.

Stalin the "Georgian Ogre" was famed for his monster dong,due in no small measure to his own propaganda. On his death his penis was cut off and mummified for posterity and measured 11 inches long. New evidence suggests that his real phallus was taken to a secret location in a wood outside Ekaterinburg and cremated in a sardine tin of vodka, then replaced by Rasputin's.

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment as he was wrestling a crocodile, naked, in a wolf pen watched by a group of Siberian schoolgirls.

Demis Roussos to Rescue Greek Economy

( Demis and his smouldering swarthy looks that won him millions of gay admirers)

(Below left: An Artist's impression of Vangelis)
Greece has been thrown into a state of tumultuous euphoria by the news that famous hirsute Hellenic he-man Demis Roussos, is to release a new album to turn Greece's economic misfortunes around.
The hard hitting, and uncompromising plan was announced today by EU appointed technocrat Georgiou Georgionapoulapoplaloulapolis earlier this morning.
"I understand that this may seem like to little to late to those of you who do not understand the massive sex appeal, and over production of the Roussos album. To many he's the hairy bloke with a high voice in a dress who sang "Forever and Ever". But to those of us who know love and fancy him he's the Euterpean genius who sang " Rikki-tikki-tikki tikki Tikki rikki rikki my love" in unashamed falsetto. They don't make em like that anymore." He sniffed, wiping away tears of wistful regret.
News of the "Demis God's" comeback was received with mixed emotions in some quarters.
"Mixed emotions my hairy arse!!!" Said Music critic for Greece's popular 'Hirsute Hellenic Sounds" music magazine Nikos Nakhapoupolopolipolis. "Demis has had his day. He's not even that hairy anymore. Last time I saw him he was balding and my 13 year old daughter has better facial hair. You might as well put some young smooth shaver like Justin Bieber out there. At least we'd all want to bum him. No! What you want is Vangelis. Yes! He was the real talent in Aphrodite's Child. So long as he doesn't have Jon Anderson squeaking along like a demented shrew in the back ground. Can you imagine a re-release of Chariots of Fire on the Bouzouki? And, what a beard! What-a- beard!! Sennnnnsational!!!" He then placed a napkin over his crotch.
Some rioters in the streets of Athens were inclined to agree. "It took us years just to get over the shame of Glenn Medeiros just because he had a greek sounding name. Now this shit!" Chanted Costas Costapopoplatonapolis brandishing his beard at our reporter.
Demis Roussos, real name Demis Delirious Delieiroussososososoplolitopolosis was once a guest on The Basil Brush Show and famously blagged his way off of the hijacked TWA Flight 847 by singing Velvet Mornings. He was unavailable for comment as he was busy overproducing his album with a 90 piece orchestra. 

Soft Cock Syndrome Now an "Epidemic" In Edinburgh Says Boffin

                       (She's not shagging any of them. .... Tragic! Isn't It.)



Softcock Syndrome has reached epidemic proportions in Edinburgh and may soon infect the entire Western world claimed a top eggheady boffiny type bloke from his laboratory/office in Herriot Watt University today.
Professor Tom Laird (no relation whatsoever to The Satire Editor Tom Laird) Has spent the better half of the last five years developing his, some would say, controversial theory. " Softcock Syndrome is now an epidemic in Edinburgh, and may soon infect the rest of the western world. I have spent five years developing this theory." He said jabbing his pipe emphatically, in the direction of our science correspondent . He then continued to expand on his theory at length.
"Allow me to expand on my theory at length. Many years ago when women were first allowed to vote. Feminists* began to look for ways of turning the tables on men, whom they saw as a constant enemy that kept trying to shag them, get them to do the dishes and generally clean up after them and that. This just would not do. They formulated a plan in which they would be able to tame men, and so be left alone to watch soap opera's, buy shoes and gossip all day.
They would do this by convincing men that their normal sexual urges were evil and rapey and a bit annoying, and that overall, men should behave more in a sort of , well, "womany" kind of way.
The idea was that through the media they would humiliate, ridicule and condemn masculinity. While, at the same time, they would promote, elevate and Deify femininity. For many years their efforts were unsuccessful. Women who felt the need to associate with men without fear of being pestered for sex all the time had to hang out with gay men. This obviously had a limited appeal. After all, where's the empowerment, or fun, in hanging around with blokes who talk more bitchy bollocks than you do,and don't fancy you so you can't feel good about yourself?

This is when Feminists pulled of their master stroke. In 1990 they invented the "Metrosexual" male.  He dressed well, knew about shoes, curtains, and stuff. He was also able to roar and cry and get in touch with his so called "feminine side". But! Crucially. This is important. He still fancied the pants of you while putting up with your shite. Not to mention rejection after rejection while you got to feel empowered and desired while fucking other guys as the bi-annual notion took you.
The metrosexual, as embodied in that bloke who's married to Judy Finnegan off of the telly, is somewhat out of fashion today but his legacy remains in the NTPMFW. The Non Threatening Platonic Male FuckWit. Or to put it colloquially "The Softcock".

There is no known cure once a man succumbs to the condition and unfortunately it is growing exponentially. The only places that are Softcock free are the former eastern bloc and the third world. Where trouser wearing men can still be found in their wild and natural state."
Professor Laird has since had his funding suspended and is living in hiding.

*See The Satire article "Idiot Calls for Resignation of Oaf"