Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Drug Cheat Armstrong speaks exclusively to The Satire!

Catholic nun turned respected academic theologian and best-selling author Karen Armstrong has today spoken excusively to The Satire about her drug-cheating shame.
In a frank and candid no holds barred interview Armstrong revealed how sorry she felt about the whole affair.
Armstrong was caught cheating as part of a routine drugs test following her ninth consequentive victory in the annual 'Tour de Force' championship; where popular academic theologians battle it out over 21 gruelling days to write an entire book on an obscure aspect of Catholic doctrine - whilst simultaneously peddling an exercise bike.
"To be honest, I've never really understood what the exercise bike has to do with the whole thing. But them's the rules. Thankfully being an ex-nun, it goes without saying that I have very powerful thighs. So that part has always been a dawdle for me."
"And luckily, my 700-page articulation of the contrived parallels between the primary tenets of The Second Vatican Council and an obscure numinous aspect of Sufi theology was a winner with the judges!"
"That said, yes of course I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. But they're all at it. My drug of choice was a cocktail of communion wine, incense, horse tranquilisers with just a dash of crystal meths."
"If only I hadn't got caught, I could still be living it up in my big fuck-off Hollywood mansion riding that slice of sexy Texas tottie Sheryl Crowe ragged. I certainly showed HER the meaning of the word 'Transubstantiation'."
"Seriously, I literally had to explain the concept to her - seven times. Dumb bitch. But what a pair of freakin' knockers on it, eh? A mighty, mighty fine, ah-say-ah-say, a migh-tee migh-tee f-aaaaine piece of ass! Yes siree!, hot diggedy diggedy dawg! Praise the Lord! "

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Labour Party to Re-Launch Ed Milliband

                                                           Mr. Milliband before (left) and after (right) the re-branding

The Labour party has unveiled their "New Look" Ed Milliband exclusively to The Satire.
After a six month consultation process with PR gurus Wanky&Wanky costing £1,000,000 per month the leader of the opposition will now be re-launched as Eddie Megabland TM. Tarquin Wanky, co-director of Wanky&Wanky explains.

"If you look at the before and after photograph closely you can see how much work went into this re-branding process. On the Left you can see Ed looking a bit useless and bewildered and so last administration. Thanks to a new tie and a trim, in the photo on the right you can see the new dynamic Eddie looking all focused and Dave Camerony and stuff. We think we have a winning formula in the new look Eddie."

Together with the new look the team have come up with some hip new slogans for the launch.

"Megabland the Megabrand."

"He's Mega, he's bland, he's Megabland."

"Now with 33% extra bland it's MEGABLAND!"

are just some of examples of what's on offer. Asked whether or not the public would be fooled into voting for someone just by repackaging them as more conservative, Mr. Wanky replied.

"Why not? It worked for Tony Blair."

Shown the before and after photo's, regular rent-a-quote for The Satire Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead said.

"Who's that posh looking tosser? He looks a complete twat!"

On being told it was the leader of the Labour party Miss MacGlinchie said he'd definitely get her vote as her Mum always voted Labour.

If the re-launch is a success the team plan to re-brand Ed Balls by ironing his shirt and calling him Edward Bollocks.


Wednesday, 2 January 2013

100th Satire Article Causes Sensation

Our Celebration earlier. Good. Isn't it

Happy New Year and Ceud mile failte, as pretentious twats who don't speak gaelic say on those fucking awful Hogmanay shows hosted by Jackie Bird, to our 100th article.
Congratulation flooded in from all our reader earlier this morning. What a fantastic journey it has been. Who would have thought all those years ago when Mr. Mingles and myself were unemployed and getting slightly fed up and disgusted with ourselves wildly  masturbating all day, that we would have reached the magnificent zenith of 100. Yes that's right, that's with two zero's. Our 100th article in just under four years. That's roughly a workload of 2.35 articles a month. Phew!
Earlier last year Mr. Mingles and myself got together to discuss this very eventuality. It was a heavy brainstorming session over two skinny lattes in Beanscene well into the we small hours of later that same afternoon. What would it be about? Perhaps an hilarious spoof of a well known talking heads,100 down to 1, nostalgia show. Maybe an irreverent lampoon of a well known political or celebrity figure. Or per chance a live action broadcast starring Ant & Dec, Graham Norton and Pippa Middleton's arse.
In the end after much deliberation and soul searching, we decided we couldn't be fucked really, so here it is in all it's resplendent glory.
What do you think this is? The Onion? Piss off!

"Congratulations on your 100th article and may you die of mange."
Alex Salmond

"The Satire is an inspiration to us all. We can only crouch in it's magnificent shadow."
The Onion

"100 articles in three years? That's not really very good is it?"
AA Gill

"I find your articles puerile, offensive, homophobic, xenophobic and devoid of sensitivity."
Jeremy Clarkson

"I salyoot your indefatigable organ. May the wrath of Allah descend upon your heads."
George Galloway

"Not nearly enough articles about me."
Robert Kilroy Silk

"oooOOOOooooohhh Mr. Tinky winky wonky woo doesn't like The Satire, coz it's like bigoted an stuff, an your rude an nasty to people."

Russel Brand

"Oh God Yeah! Do you remember when The Satire first came out?  It was brill! Along with space hoppers and sherbet dabs and Tiswas and your mum hated it."

Stuart Maconie

Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.
"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."
"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."
Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.
James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.