(Left: "No more sink or swim". Captain Brown.) (Above Right: SS.Britainic apparently NOT sinking)
From our Maritime correspondent: Vice Rear Admirer. Carlton Mingles-Mingles SOS.
Despite hundreds of large rodents pouring overboard, amid screams of terror and mass panic, a brave ship's Captain has steadfastly assured all on the board(surely 'on board'. Ed.) that there was no need for alarm.
Captain Gordon Brown of the SS. Britainic made the appeal to both passengers and crew yesterday after the ship run aground off the coast of North West Europe. Despite dire warnings from other shipping in the region The SS. Britainic collided with a notoriously treacherous maritime hazard The Northern Rock. The Bilge immediately started overflowing and began to flood the lower classes(surely compartments.Ed) and the ship listed dangerously to the left causing many to panic and head for the Life Savings Bonds(Boats!! You're fired! Ed.). Distress flares were fired and an SOS sent out but the USS. America was in similar difficulties and unable to respond.
Cometh the hour though, cometh the man and Captain Brown stepped up heroically to the mark. " No-one could have foreseen this massive ruddy great obstacle sticking out of the water. Unless of course they were able to utilise some sort of rudimentary bifocal seeing device. However now that this terrible tragedy has befallen you all. Let's not get carried away. Despite the fact that the ship is disappearing below the surface at a rapid rate of knots, and people and pieces of furniture are sliding past you. Take heart. Even now, very now, The Purser Mr. Darling is frantically re-arranging the deck chairs and our entertainments officer Mr Balls is currently organising a game of quoits for the pensioners. This ship is most certainly not blubble blubble glurg..." He gasped as the ship's band bravely played ' Things can only get better' the ship's anthem.
Heavy criticism came from Captain Vince Cable of the SS.Libdem however. Only a mile away from the disaster at the time. "For mile after nautical mile I pleaded with Captain Brown over the airwaves to change course and not crash his vessel into a bloody big stone. He simply called me a nervous Nelly and cackled insanely into the radio."
HM Coast Guard were unavailable for comment as they were all signing on the dole.