Shitty Skiddies Death Toll Reaches 100,000

One of the many "cases" of Shitty Scants discovered in Wishaw yesterday

From our Health Correspondent: Dr. Charles Mingin'

The Scottish Government are set to introduce new harsher control measures after deaths with shitty scants rose to 100,000 this year.

In Wishaw alone yesterday over 100 new cases of Shitey scants emerged as testing increased.

"This is Arsemageddon!" Exclaimed serial gobshite Nicola Sturgeon to a packed room of assembled credulous media fuckwits at Holyrood earlier today. She chuntered on.. "When oh when will the public realise the very real and present danger this skiddy pants epidemic presents? Accordingly I will be announcing stricter new restrictions later today and by fuck you cunts better dae as yer telt otherwise al set Humza oan yeez. Understood?"

The announcement comes as Scant deaths spiral upwards and cases of Skidmarks continue to rise despite the previous measures imposed. The harsh new rules include

- Making the wearing of your scants on the outside of yer troosers compulsory so as the polis can check them.

- Closing down of all curry houses and a ban on sales of ready meals containing curry dishes from supermarkets. Guinness and Buckfast tonic wine have been on a growing list of beverages, including coffee, to be banned.

- Scary films have been blocked on Amazon and Netflix as opposed to previously only on the cooncil telly.

- A ban on g-strings and thongs which seem to be the main cause of deaths with shite stains.

- Travel bans to India. Pakistan, Most of Asia and Africa, Venezuela and of course...Wales.

- Schoolchildren to be stopped from giving each other wedgies in the playground as teachers are becoming feart which in turn is increasing the number of cases.

However, Mail on Sunday Jeremiah Peter Hitchens tore into the new rules.

"Look, there is really no reason to believe that just because a middle aged man pulled from a canal is wearing a pair of soiled under garments, that's what he died OF. Dying WITH honking shreddies is not the same as dying OF them. Correlation is not necessarily causality. How many sodding times do I have to say that?" He thundered before launching into yet another one on Grammar schools.

Respected Epidemiologist with qualifications falling out her arse, and co-author of The Great Shartingon Declaration, Prof. Sunetra Gupta added...

"It's not really my field of expertise this one, but I have to agree with what that beardy bloke from the Daily Mail just said. It's a well known fact that when you pop your clogs you obviously lose control of your farting strings and keech your breeks. That's probably what's making the daft cunts at SAGE and that put two and two together and make five for fuck's sakes. Another thing, how can you check for skids on exterior underwear?"

But fat hypocritical Etonian, fake headline peddling, Bullingdon Club twat Piers Morgan countered ..

"These Skidiots should be made visit a morgue and have the victim's shitty undies rubbed in their selfish faces. Then they should have to stand there and try to tell the grieving families their loved ones weren't killed by a skitter. This thing is real and it's a killer. As sure as there's a basement in the Daily Mail building."

Nicola Sturgeon's announcement has been turned into a faintly amusing anal smoke blowing exercise on Youtube by Janey Godley for anyone sad enough to care.

 

Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!

Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday

From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.

SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts

Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.

New MP Reveals Ambition to be a Signpost

Miss Black practising being a No Entry sign

Britain's youngest MP since Pitt the foetus has both shocked and delighted parliament by announcing a long held ambition to be a "Signpost". 

Mhairi Black, who represents Paisley and Renfrewshire South, broke the news of her shock career change of plans in her maiden speech in the house yesterday to rapturous and unnecessary applause.

Miss Black, who trounced previous Labour incumbent and pigeon impersonator Douglas Alexander at the last General Election, has not yet decided what kind of signpost she wants to be. Although an SNP insider has revealed that it will most probably be a Keep Left sign.

Mhairi is not the only SNP politician with a desire to be an inanimate object. Alex Salmond revealed recently that he longed to be a urinal in the European parliament and Nicola Sturgeon dreams of being a doormat in the same building.

The people of Paisley are still reeling from Mhairi's staggering Election result.

"Hof of us didnae even realise there wis an election oan." Said 90 year old Agnes MacTights of Ferguslie Park. "The other hof thought she wis Mary Black the folk singer,"

Mhairi Black is finishing her homework.

Unemployment to Rocket Among Experts If Scotland Leaves UK Claim Experts

Some experts looking gravely concerned earlier

Thousands of experts will find themselves on the unemployment scrapheap, and forced to go door to door voicing their opinions if Alex Salmond breaks up the UK according to some experts yesterday.

"It could really be the worst case scenario you could possibly imagine." Said one expert over the phone earlier today.  Professor David Donaldson of Napier University continued gravely.

 "You may end up with a multitude of experts walking the streets accosting passers by, begging for spare moments of their time, to expound to them their latest thoughts on the economy, climate change, gender issues, and other subjects that most people will find tedious and ill thought through. Or then again they might not. It's a tough one to call. What are you asking me for? I'm in charge of the Creative Writing course."

Another expert, Francis Douglas PhD of SCAPEGOAT (Society for the Concern And Protection of Experts Going On About Things) outlined the potential seriousness of the situation.

"Allow me to outline the potential seriousness of the situation." He said pointing at a pie chart and some graphs. "At the moment experts are being consulted on a daily basis, sometimes up to six times, about what a pile of shite an Independent Scotland will be, or not, depending on who's asking. Our projections show that after Independence this kind of consultation will drop off to almost nothing. Disastrous. Probably. But don't quote me on that." He concluded feeding all his charts through a shredder.

The Satire caught up with some experts, who'd previously confidently claimed Gordon Brown to be an economic genius of a man who would romp to victory at the last general election.

 Prof John Turner of the British Antarctic Survey, currently trapped in sea ice he said shouldn't have been there, aboard the Akademik Shokalskiy, told us via a crackly line.

"Listen, smart cunts. I only said that about Gordon Brown down my local pub, ok. Yes yes everyone thinks it's easy being an expert. All they think we have to do is pull some stats out our arse, mumble some vague academic shite and use a lot of modals like could, might, probably, possibly. Fling in the odd phrase about 'studies suggest', and Robert's yer dads brother. Well it's a lot more difficult than that, I can tell you to my fucking chagrin mate."

Scotland to Break Away From UK Using Wind Turbines

Just a small amount of the proposed turbines

Oor Eck Showing the only way is UP(Literally)

In a shock announcement earlier today, The First Minister has exclusively revealed to your favourite online news source his brilliant plan to literally break Scotland away from the UK.

Shouting from a window in Bute House as he couldn't be arsed bumping into Nicola Sturgeon in the vestibule Mr. Salmond told The Satire..

" I was in the bath listening to Val Doonican's version of 'The Windmills of Your Mind' by Michel Legrand. Great stuff by the way, the production is fantastic. Anyway, It struck me that with the sheer amount of the fucking things we are building already we are, as Bon Jovi has astutely observed, half way there. If we step up the proliferation of the bird killing blight, I am convinced that within a year not only will we generate enough energy to power a small toaster( no more than 2 slice), but enough lift to rip Auld Scotia loose of it's ancient terrestrial fetters. Finally we can truly fly free. Ayyyy thenk yo!!!"

He then shouted "gardyloo!!" and emptied a bedpan left by previous incumbent Jack McConnell, all over us. 

"This is complete and utter madness!" Claimed a passing boffin who seemed to know a bit about turbines and that.

"No amount of turbines will actually create ANY lift at all. In fact it's doubtful how much electricity they will produce. Be that as it may, even if they were in fact giant propellers they will not be able to lift the whole of Scotland. If anything they'll just rip themselves out of the ground and spin about decapitating every fucker. Might I suggest fracking instead?"

"This sounds completely feasible to me." Chipped in environMENTAList and Guardian columnist George Monbiot. "However I believe that Scotland's future lies in still being attached to Great Britain. So I think the turbines should be rigged the other way so that it pushes us closer together."

Scottish Conservative leader and Wee Jimmy Cranky impersonator Ruth Davidson commented..

"I agree with George Monbiot that the UK should not be broken up. But think about the cost of this. For the price we could get a high speed train that runs from Glasgow to Edinburgh 20 minutes faster."

A homeless guy sitting nearby, gave his opinion stating..

" I don't really know much about turbines or the environment and stuff. But maybe we should all calm the fuck down and have a we bit more reasoned debate. Fuck knows! I can't stop shitting in my pants so what do I know?"

Kenny MacArsekhole Writes...

The justice secretary looks through the names of those non-politicians suspected of drinking without his permission

His Excellency Commissar Comrade Kenneth MacArsekhole writes an open letter to his people.

Greetings to you the humble and exalted proletariat.

People often say to me, "Kenny, Is it no a bit rich you banging on and on about the evils of alcohol when you were arrested for being drunk and disorderly outside a fitba' match?" To them I can only say, "shut yer mooth!" Yeah yeah yeah it's boring now OK. 

Then just the other day the Venerable peoples representative for Perthshire South and Kinross-shire Comrade Cunningham, was accused of launching in to a 'boozy rant' at a couple of blue rinse capitalistic swine in a Hollyrood bar.

Now these same idiots are coming out the woodwork again. "Blah blah that's a bit rich, blah blah hypocrisy etc etc". Need I go on?(Glug glug glug aaahhhh)

Well I'm going to anyway. Comrade Cunningham and myself are socialists. That means we believe in bettering the working class.(hic!) Who better to better them than their bettersh? This is why we are bringing in a minimum price for alcohol.(hic!) Comrade Cunningham exemplified this policy. You didn't catch her down the park with a six pack of Spesh, abusing passers by. No! She had the decency to glug highly expensive but subsidised Chateau neuf du pape and abuse tory MSP's.(Slurrrrp!)

Because I and Comrade Cunningham are socialists we believe that the government should pay for thingsh. Thingsh like our highly lucrative shalaries and expenshes and of course the odd bottle or three of extortionate  plonk.(hic!)

There is no hypocrishy in thish whatshoever.(buuuurrp!) Shcuse me! We are simply keeping in touch with the people by shelflessly experiencing the evils of alcohol for ourselves, all the better to combat it. The SNP are a party of the people. We stand for justice, abstinance and...er...geez a minute er....( at this point an aide appears and whispers in the commrades ear) Independence! Aye that's it. I always forget that one, Independence. The right to self determination. Excshept of course the right to determine to get reekin on cheap booze unless you're a commissar like me Eck and Roseanna.

Power to the people! Long live the revolution.!(hic!)

"SNP Will Kill Us All In Our Beds!!" Warns Jim Murphy

    "We're a' doomed! "Jim looks grim doing an Impression of Pvt. Frazer In Dads Army

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy ran amok through the streets of Edinburgh yesterday. Grabbing random people by the lapels screaming and shouting maniacally into their stunned faces.
The gist of his prophecy of doom is that if the SNP get their way they will murder us all and our cherub like children in their wee beds. East Renfrewshire MP Jim, who's hobbies include Football, Golf and entertaining notorious gangsters at Labour party fundraisers. Accosted, among many others, Mrs Ina MacTights(21) as she exited Scotmid.

 "I thought I was being mugged at first, then as he shook me back and forth he bellowed at me 'Don't you know you're all going to die! The SNP are coming! Run to the hills!' Well I nearly took a heart attack. There should be a law against it. Who was that lunatic?"

When our reporter explained that Mr. Murphy was a Scottish Labour MP. Mrs. MacTights said she would definitely be voting for him as that's what her mother always done.

In a prepared statement given to The Satire! yesterday evening Mr. Murphy further claimed that :

1. If Scotland breaks away from the UK it will fall into the sea and drown us all.
2. Children as young as 6 weeks old will be forced to eat porridge.
3. Lions, Tigers, Wolves, Polar Bears and Giant beavers will terrorize our streets.
4. The only programmes allowed on STV will be Parahandy, The White Heather Club, Thingummyjig and endless shows presented by Pat Kane.
5. Sean Connery will come round and slap your wife.
6. Drunks in English parks and underground stations will be repatriated.
7. Aliens will Invade

Jim Murphy wants your vote.

NHS Scotland Appoint New Chief Executive

                       (Sir Lancelot MacSpratt MBE, OBE, DSO and Bar.)


First Minister Alex Salmond has approved the appointment of a new Chief Executive for the health service in Scotland.


Sir Lancelot MacSpratt has replaced the previous post holder, Dr.Kevin Woods who MacSpratt has tactfully described as "a complete arse!!!". Minister for Health Nicola Sturgeon has also given her approval.
 The Former Consultant and Surgeon will begin work immediately. His many duties will include being sarcastic and condescending whilst charging around bullying, and bellowing at underlings and the lower orders in general.

Sir Lancelot has a long and distinguished history in this field having starred in many Doctor at Large type movies where he was the terror of Dirk Bogarde, Leslie Phillips and a string of pretty actresses respectively.

" YOU BLITHERING IMBECILE!!" He roared down the phone at our Health Correspondent earlier today. He continued gruffly " Have you the foggiest notion what blessed time it is? Now listen here my good man, I happen to work for a living and have better things to do with my time than stand around chit chatting on the dashed telethingy with the likes of you. Do I make myself crystal clear?"
He then slammed the receiver down on the fingers of a junior Doctor and marched off purposefully to some rousing background music.

James Robertson Justice is Deceased.

Violent Criminal to Sue Kenny MacAskill

                     (Right: MacAskill: Some animals more equal than others)

(Left: DC Thomson threatening our reporter)

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP(50) is to be sued in conjunction with the Home Office by multiple killer and Glasgow underworld hard man, D.C " It wisnae me" Thomson.

D.C (54) , also known as "The Claimant" due to his habit of claiming everything from several lives to The Dole and disability, was a one time associate of the East Ends infamous toy wielding thugs The Kraze Twins. The nature of Mr Thomson's complaint against the Home office and in Particular Mr. MacAskill are twofold.

1. That the Home office and the Justice secretary are violating Thomson's human rights by putting him in prison.
2. That most of Mr. Thomson's crimes were committed under the influence of cheap alcohol, and that if The Justice secretary had introduced his draconian drinking laws sooner, Thomson would not be where he is today.
   

Speaking from very plush Legal Aid financed offices in Edinburgh, Thomson's lawyer, Donald Farquhar Q.C of Shyster, Farquhar and Charlatan , made the following statement.

" Mr. Thomson is just another victim here. The real problem is the system which allowed my client to get violently drunk in the first place. What is also a national disgrace is the conditions my client has to put up with. It is bad enough that they have taken away his liberty, it is further insult to injury that he is kept locked up in a prison all day every day as well. What kind of world are we leaving our children, when an innocent violent criminal can have his freedom curtailed like this?" Mr Farquhar(50) then lit up a Cuban cigar with a £100 note and laughed as he examined a huge pile of Legal Aid applications on his desk.

Thomson's reign of fear came to an end 5 years ago when he was convicted of the murder of Glasgow Off Licence worker Cheryl McLaughlin, her entire family and anyone who knew them. Miss McLaughlin had refused to sell the violent head case a carry out on the grounds that the shop was no longer open. If Thomson succeeds in his bid, it will be his 4th victory in 5 years. Previous claims include:

• £150,000 for not giving him a cell with a nice view
• £50,000 for forcing him to associate with criminals
• £55,000 for having been provided with the wrong colour curtains that really fucked with his feng shui
• £35 to have his clothes dry cleaned from the blood of fellow inmate Wullie " ten bob" Campbell

This comes as another blow to the Scottish Justice Minister who's tenure has been blighted by extremely unpopular policies. A spokesman for the Minister Donald Davidson(39) issued this statement to The Satire.

" This tragic case only goes to highlight the importance of stopping supermarkets selling booze to ordinary plebs. Had Miss McLaughlin's off licence shop not been selling Carlsberg special brew at Six cans for £4.00 she would still be alive and Mr. MacAskill would be out of a lucrative job....erm ..well....I mean.. eh...sorry...erm.. I didn't think this one through."

Former Left Wing firebrand Kenny MacAskill, who instantly realised Socialism was bollocks the minute he was offered the £92,000 per year plus expenses position, was unavailable for comment as he was getting pished at a football match.

Kilt Controversy

A row broke out at Grangemouth Sports and Leisure Complex on Saturday when a man was refused entry in a kilt.

Proud Scot Dougie Archibald fumed " I'm a true and proud Scot as you can see and I wear my kilt everywhere. I like nothing better than demonstrating my patriotism and love for my country by cheerfully and traditionally sliding down the flumes in The Plaid. It gives me a great thrill. I can't see why the fascists at the baths in Grangemouth have a problem. Rumour has it that the manager is English and that would explain a lot."

Gary Jones the Manager of the complex gave his side of the story. Speaking exclusively to The Satire he explained " look I'm not even English I'm Welsh. I'm married to a Scotch Lass and my kids are Scotch. This has nothing to do with racism and everything to do with a hairy arsed lout flagrantly getting his jollies by exposing his tackle to all and sundry. He's always at it. There are kids on those flumes for God's sakes."

Local SNP activist Donny McMurdo was unimpressed with that however and waded in.

" It's a well known fact that the Welsh are practically English, and that they fought against us at Bannockburn and Falkirk. They are obviously jealous of our proper parliament and our kilts and try to copy everything we do. I will be taking this to the European court of human rights. It's blatant racial discrimination.No wonder it's still legal to kill a Welshman in Chester."

Today Dougie Archibald remained defiant and vowed to continue sliding down the flumes with abandon.

" No sheepshagging druid troglodyte is going to stop me from exercising my democratic right to wear my national dress. He can piss off back to his own country and stop being racist."

A report is being sent to the Procurator Fiscal.

Alex Salmond Accidentally Buys £20m Conservatory for Parliament

(Above left: An easily sourced picture of Alex Salmond looking like a smug cunt. Right: A drawing of a conservatory which looks absolutely nothing like the one the daft twat ordered)

Senior Ministers were black-affronted yesterday after Alex Salmond ordered a £20m conservatory extension for the back of the Scottish Parliament - after a double-glazing sales call was mistakenly put straight through to his office.

Aides immediately attempted to play down the incident commenting that Mr Salmond always prides himself on being available to his 'much-loved Scottish public' and was so swept along by the sales technique that he agreed to the £20m extension on the spot.

Sources close to the First Minister were quick to dismiss allegations that this throws doubt on his decision-making abilities and makes him look like a gullible twat.

This comes hot on the heels of last week's revelation that he recently paid a gang of drunk gypsies £200m to tarmac The Royal Mile.