Greta Thunberg Exposed as 35 Year Old Man

As Alter Ego Jones

Thunberg

There was shock in absolutely no quarters today as pint sized, baby faced, pain in the arse activist Owen Jones was exposed as Greta Thunberg.

The, in hindsight blatantly obvious, discovery was made half an hour ago by Satire Editor in Chief Tam Laird while munching a bowl of corn flakes and lazily perusing the internet in bed.

"I was lazily perusing the internet in bed, looking for porn as usual, in the interests of journalistic research naturally. I began trying to type in Greta Milos the "actress" but, embarrassingly. before I  knew what was happening there were loads of fully clothed pics of  the stunning and brave Swedish wunderbrat Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg . I was wiping milk and cereal off my computer screen. Disappointing to say the least. It was at that moment I put two and two together and realised who "she" really was. When you think of it, you've never seen those two together."

The Satire  caught up with the 35 year old lefty gobshite Jones on his way home from a BLM Transgender vegan basket weaving workshop and confronted "him" over the deception.

"How DAAAAaare you" he snarled at our reporter. "I identify as a 17 year old Swedish schoolgirl and as my Marxist principles are perfectly in line with modern environmentalist dogma there's no deception involved. Now get out of my way you bigot I have to finish my homework"

But BBC political grandee Andrew Neil hit out..

"For fucks sakes had I have known that we could have saved time and a fortune by not having to grill the cunts separately."

Owen Jones is a twat.

Operation Yew Tree Arrests Test Card Clown

Days of  Innocence: In retrospect,. Are we surprised?

In a staggering new development, police under the aegis of operation Yew Tree have arrested Bubbles the test card clown off of the 70's. 

The 65 year old farceur was arrested at his home in a charity shop window in Staines Surrey by plain clothes officers. Police gave no more information other than a mannequin  in his sixties had been detained in connection with allegations of sexual offences carried out at the BBC between 1967 and 1984.

Friends and family alike are said to be absolutely shocked. "I'm absolutely shocked." Said Carole Hersee his co star in the popular transmissions. "He was always so quiet, but then again it's the quiet ones you have to watch. Of course you also have to watch the not so quiet ones like Stuart Hall I suppose. Dear oh dear." She continued placing her hand over her mouth.

Others however have always had their suspicions. "I always had my suspicions! Snapped B-list celebrity arsehole and slapper Kerry Katona. "I remember me and the girls were at the BBC doing a rehearsal for TOTP and Bubbles was being carried past us in a box. We were doing a raunchy routine, jiggling our tits and showing our arses and knickers while making pelvic thrusts and sucking our fingers. Completely necessary to convey the message of 'The Tide is High'. When out of the corner of my eye I saw Bubbles looking at us in a pervy way. Disgusting."

Fellow TV star Zippy from Rainbow spoke up in defence of the clown yesterday. "This is absurd. It was the 70's for fucksakes. It was well understood that if you were a tasty bird of whatever dubious age and you set foot anywhere near a TV star, producer, or Radio DJ you were up for it. These tarts knew the score. Gold diggers the lot of them. I groped Jane's arse loads of times and she didn't mind. Of course it wouldn't have mattered if she did, we would have just sacked her. Everyone knew she was shagging Bungle anyway. Slut!"

Bubbles was unavailable for comment today as he was in custody, and a fucking puppet.

It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.

Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.

"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."

The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.

" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ratings...er ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."

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Partridge On ... Cartridge!

"Hello, I'm TV's Alan Partridge and it was whilst lying here in my hospital bed recovering from a rather nasty fall that I first re-discovered my enormous love of The Cartridge."

"It was while listening to the Hospital Radio station here that I first had the idea. It really was shit. I mean, absolutely diabolical. The guy really didn't know how to 'link and chat, link and chat' and I thought to myself, 'I could ruddy well do that!' "

"I said to myself, 'we've got one of the nations very best broadcasters lying here unused while that ... Useless shit, pollutes the airwaves with his ... Shit."

"I mean, most of them are on heavy medication anyway, so you could pump any old rubbish in through the cans and they wouldn't even notice. But it did get me thinking back to my own early start in hospital radio all those years ago."

"And here's the point I was coming to - we had to play the music from cartridges back then - 8-track cartridges. None of your fancy digital whatsits and whatnots. Just you, the contents of your head, a well-thumbed copy of Giles Brandreth's pocket puns and your music cartridges  ..."

"They really are a marvellous little invention. Whether used to store a rockin' good Wings or Rod Stewart album, or as the robust outer-housing for your trusty dot matrix printer ink - they really are quite quite wonderful little things."

"So join me as I enter the fascinating little world of the cartridge! In 'Partridge On ... Cartridge' "

"Sunday nights, 9pm. BBC One. Prime time. Full details to be confirmed. I mean, it'll definitely be on the Beeb somewhere .."

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Partridge On ... Cartilige

Having fallen 3000 feet from Scarfell Pick in his last pilot, award-winning Broadcaster Alan Partridge OBE (Honour removed) was rushed to the local hospital for emergency surgery ...

Despite being in enormous pain and doped up to the eyeballs on morphine, Alan's natural-born film-making instincts kicked in and luckily for his army of loyal fans he filmed the whole thing on his mobile phone - hoping someone might pick it up for Prime-time TV.

And until that happens, you can still join Alan for this unique 12-part documentary as he talks about one of his latest passions in this stunning new series.

Read on for a sneak preview, as Alan bravely begins filming as the ambulance men stretcher him into the Accident & Emergency Unit of Norwich General Hospital ...

ALAN: I'm Alan Partridge. And you may not know this, but I have always been fascinated by Cartilage - the, ooh how could I put it, the flexible connective tissue found in many areas in the bodies of humans and other animals, including the joints between bones, the rib cage, the ear, the nose, the bronchial tubes and the intervertebral discs."

AMBULANCE MAN: Try not to speak please, Mr Partridge. Just keep breathing into the oxygen mask. That's right.

ALAN: So come with me now on a journey into the world of the fascinating world - of the Cartilage!"

SECURITY GUARD: Sorry Mate, you can't film in here.

ALAN: Oh for fuck's sa - ...Ow! Cartilige!



Be one of the first lucky readers to own this unique and fascinating series on high-quality stereo video cassette*.

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Patrick Moore Latest Victim of Hoax Phone Calls

(Above - Sir Patrick Moore yesterday)

The Astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was yesterday found dead at his home, suspected to be the latest victim of the Australian phone hoax craze that is sweeping the world.

Moore, who was found by his Guatemalan assistant Gunther gruben-Furer Von Bismark early yesterday morning, is thought to have suffered a delayed reaction from the call, which he received in 1973.

'Ve believe ze Fuhrer, I mean, ze Master, I mean Mr Moore, received ze call in ze late afternoon uf ze 17th of August nineteen hoondred OONT seventy tree. It was a wrong number, but I huff reason to believe that ze accent was definitely of an Antipodean bent. Ya Voll."

It is thought that it took almost 40 years for the shock of the call to fully work it's way through Sir Patrick's system.

Mr Moore's GP, Herr Reich Chancellor Heinrich Schlupperhauffer 'Call me Dave' Grupen Machtergreifung, told us,

" Ya, eet ees thought that eet has taken at least 40 of your puny human years for ze shock to hif vorked eets way through Mr Moore's system. Ya Voll. Heil Moore!"

Sir Patrick leaves behind a telescope, xylophone, a complete signed mint-condition 'Hogan's Heroes' boxed set collection and 800 copies of 'Hefty Helga' Naturist magazine (1960-1983)

Fat C**t Moyles In Latest DJ Arrest Scandal

Chris Moyles boring himself shitless on Radio 1

Scandal erupted yet again at the BBC yesterday as it emerged their former breakfast show star and bad boy Chris Moyles was the latest ex Radio 1 DJ arrested on abuse charges.

It is alleged that Mr. Moyles (38) regularly abused millions of people on a daily basis. Police sources claim that the toll may be as high as a staggering 8 million listeners between 1998 and 2012, before finally someone realised he was utter shite.

One alleged victim of Moyles' vile abuse was a young lady who was only 12 at the time of his predatory and sickening broadcasts. The woman who would only give her name as Miss X, told The Satire!
"I was alone in my bedroom early one morning. I had been feeling lonely and a bit depressed. I awoke to find  that foul man forcing his attention upon me out of my radio alarm clock. I pleaded for him to stop, but the beast kept on and on and on until I managed to stretch over and pull the plug out. God only knows what would have happened had my arms not been long enough to resist his advances."

Another victim of portly presenter, Satire contributor Mr. C. Mingles(50), claimed
 "I see his fat sweaty five o'clock be shadowed face bearing down on me at night. Spouting cockney, cheeky chappy, barra boy bollocks as his sycophantic co-presenters egg him on. The crappy music. It's monstrous."
A spokesman for the BBC hit back today. "This really has nothing to do with us. All we had to work on was rumour and innuendo. Christ alive! Do you honestly think any of us actually listened to his show?"

Chris Moyles was available for comment all day yesterday, as he had ran out of  new Carphone Warehouses to open up. But frankly we've heard quite enough of him thank you very fucking much.

Sir Jimmy Saville Announced as New Doctor Who

In another stunning development in the Jimmy Saville scandal, the BBC have just announced Saville as the new Doctor Who.

Head of Children's Drama Davie Donaldson yesterday defended the decision, saying Saville was a much-loved British institution and a perfect fit for the role.

"It's been thought for a while that we need to reach a wider demographic with Doctor Who and who better to reach that demographic than that much-loved family entertainer, Sir Jimmy.

" I have to say I find these allegations against Our dear Jim that he is some sort of kiddie-diddler - and even worse the unkind smear that he died over a year ago - outrageous. He's just taken his time to respond to our emails, I'm sure that's all it is.

"Anyway, we recorded the new series last year so are planning to air episode one tonight on BBC1 after Strictly Come Dancing. It's a sure-fire ratings winner!"

The Satire believes that in this first episode, "Lord Doctor Sir Jimmy of Who" rescues a gang of teenage space gals from an evil alien schoolteacher using his flying Tardis-Caravan to whisk the girls off to the safety of his cottage in the Highlands where they can work for Sir Jimmy in little French Maids outfits doing bits & bobs around the house and getting Jim'll Fix it badges as rewards.

Four particular 14-year-old girls, hand-picked by Sir Jim, will also be working as his Assistants in the series, sitting on his knee whilst he puffs on his cigar explaining the plot and spending the rest of their time dancing awkwardly in the background, 1970's Top of the Pops style.

Mr Donaldson denied allegations this would further fuel the current crisis.

"These allegations against Lord Jimmy (Peace be Upon His Name) are ridiculous. Anyway, he already has his own distinctive Dr Who-style costume and catchphrases and so on. And we've even managed to get that big red throne-chair thing he used to sit in during 'Jim'll Fix It.' So now he can fly through space in style.

"He's got it all. The cigar, the shell-suit, the jewellery, the gold blond mop, the endless catchphrases, 'Uh-uh-uh-uh, What's this that's going on here then, Goodness me' etc. We've even managed to include his wrestling experience as one of his Super Powers. Frankly, the first series practically wrote itself.

"And don't even ask me about the merchandising possibilities for the Christmas market. We're sitting on a goldmine here, and as usual it's all thanks to Sir Jimmy!!

"We're already working with a leading pants manufacturer to produce teenage girls pants with Sir Jimmy's cheeky smiling face on the front. You mark my confident & utterly unassailable words - they'll sell like fuckin' hotcakes and (off the record, just between you and me) I'm in for 20%. God bless his Lord Jimmyship!

"Anyway, everyone knows Matt Smith is an irritating little twat and we'll all be glad to see the back of him. Under his stewardship, the role of Dr Who has deteriorated into nothing more than a boyband style heart-throb only watched by 12 and 13-year-old girls. This won't be an issue with Sir Jim, that's for sure. Everyone knows he's always been a thoroughly clean-cut all-round family entertainer. And, I don't know if you're aware of this, he does do a helluva lot of work for charity. I can't see what could possibly go wrong here."

Accusations that this is another insensitive move in the current climate were also waived away by the Director General yesterday.

"'Please, please, give us some credit. Those accusations are against a completely different Sir Jimmy Saville from your dearly beloved Auntie Beeb, it's all under control. Who do you think you're dealing with here - some sort of arrogant deluded out-of-touch fucking idiots? You are soo naive dude! Like, get with the programme, loll."