Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Ghost Walks To Be 33% Scarier By 2010

                                                                     (Right:  An obvious hoax)

In a shock new directive from an unelected and unaccountable twat in Brussels yesterday. Ghost tours in Edinburgh must have people shitting themselves in the next two years.
E.U Commissioner Guy Pierre Van Hoinkydoink(50) made the announcement to the European Parliament's Committee de Merde Triviale of which he is Chairman. Speaking through a translator because he gets a huge budget and tax breaks for using one, and he wouldn't lower himself to speak English anyway. He told The Satire's Europe correspondent Carlos Minglez that a complete shake up was on the cards. "On the cards there eez a shake up complete. The tourists must know that when they pay good Euros to get a fright then that is exactly what they will get. They must be, how you say...bricking it?"
Under the new rules outlined by the Commissioner, Edinburgh City Council will have to start coming up with some real ghosts pretty sharpish or be forced to redefine Ghost tours as "Unemployed Actor Tours." 
In view of this Edinburgh council have enlisted the help of camp scouse fuckwit Derek Acorah(90),the former star of Undead TV's Most Haunted series. "We hope Derek can help us prove the existence of all our popular ghosts and presumably track down a few more." Said Davina Donaldson(51) a council spokesperson on the matter. "No one can walk around this city after midnight and not claim it's haunted. There are some real horrors." She continued trying to sound like Bela Lugosi but looking and sounding more like Bella Emberg.

Edinburgh is renowned for its paranormal activity. The Old Town alone is said to be home to more than 3,000 ghosts. One of the more famous is supposedly the ghost of Margaret Campbell aka 'half droonded, thrice rin oer wi a lawnmower Mags' due to the method of her bizarre suicide in 1803. Her insane high pitched cackles are said to ring through the streets of the old town at 03:30 in the morning despite nobody being there other than the odd crowd of Leeds girls on a hen night. Whatever the temptation, never venture lightly into the area surrounding Calton Hill after the witching hour. For there among the bushes and trees can be heard the ghostly moans and groans of Wee Willie Lightbody. Who met his death there in 1989 when he choked on an extra large condom. Tread not with impunity around Polwarth at any time of day. For among the dreary back streets and alleyways stalks the Hairy Hound O' Gorgie hunting for it's next hapless victim. Some say it's the ghost of an enormous hunting hound seeking vengeance for the murder of it's master Tam 'welcher' McGee. Others say that it's real flesh and blood and point to the enormous amount of dog shite strewn around the pavements of Polwarth as proof of it's existence. Some say it's a load of bollocks. Who's to say who is right.
Despite the engagement and efforts of Mr. Acorah. Documentary proof of spooky goings on in Edinburgh has remained elusive. He was however undeterred in his mission. " Ghosts are very real I'm tellin yer like" He told us unconvincingly.
It's rumoured that if Mr. Acorah fails to prove the existence of any ghosts, Yvette Fielding will be drafted in. That's enough to scare the shite out of anyone. 

HAIKU NEWS!!!! Just In.


 ( Above Left:  Slut )                                                                                (Above Right: Clearly innocent and handsome Man)

Man, Pub, Edinburgh,drunk. 
Sexy girl. Short Skirt. 
Man hand. Girl scream. Fight, police. Statement, "gagging for it".
Report Procurator Fiscal.
Tom Laird who cannot be named for legal reasons is 41.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Owl & Pussycat Lost at Sea

Pictured: the two daft twats in question ... just as they set off yesterday
A nocturnal bird and a domestic feline were today thought lost at sea after setting out in an attractive emerald-coloured ocean-going vessel.

Senior Coastguard spokesman Mr David Donaldson told us, “We believe the two creatures set off with some honey and a large amount of cash, wrapped up in a £5 note. Other than that though - no sat nav, proper food, water or mobile phone. Also, it’s clear that neither of the creatures had any sailing experience. So it’s perhaps inevitable that they should have run into trouble.

“It seems the cracks first began to appear when the feline realised it did not have opposable thumbs and so could not effectively grip the oars - and they soon began to drift out into open water. Additionally, the money they were carrrying was in the form of gold coins, and it’s thought the weight of the bullion led the boat to slowly sink below the water-line, letting in water. They tried to bail out the vessel using their only source of food, said jar of honey, but with neither creature possessing a good enough grip, the venture was obviously doomed.

“Also, there’s evidence that the cat may have eaten the owl. Aren’t they natural enemies? In hindsight, it seems clear that this may have been inevitable all along. After all, if I set out to cross the Pacific Ocean accompanied by 20 quid, a hungry tiger and a jar of Marmite - I wouldn’t anticipate surviving the journey. Daft twats!”

Sir Stephen Redgrave has today put on hold his proposed trip to row across the English Channel accompanied by Freddie Kreuger, Rosemary West and a box of Pop Tarts. Sponsors of the trip, HBOS - were said to be disappointed.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Frog Falls Foul of Tough New Laws

A Frog got on the wrong side of Lothian and Borders Police early last Thursday evening in Inverleith Park Edinburgh.
Mr. Phileas Froggy (3) was spotted riding through the popular recreational area at 18:30 hrs by A traffic patrol car and pulled over.
Sergeant Sandy Hitler (33) (No relation) had this to say about the incident affecting a posh mockney accent. " My colleague and I were carrying out an operation directed against teenage tearaways on mini moto's around the Inverleith area on Thursday last, when we observed the aforementioned amphibian riding his Harley Davidson Green Dragonfly through the public park erratically and to the reckless endangerment of other park users. On apprehending Mr. Froggy he was found to be in possession of a sword and a pistol. When questioned as to the nature of his activities he explained that he went out 'a courtin' and having been late for his rendezvous with one Miss Mouse had decided to take a shortcut through the park to save time. It being explained to Mr. Froggy that he was in contravention of the Countryside code Par3 Subsection A (vi) and the Armed Amphibians Scotland act 1998, he was cautioned and subsequently arrested and charged. Let this send a strong message that the people of Edinburgh will no longer tolerate this sort of loutish if quaint archaic behaviour."
Speaking from his pond in the back garden of 26 Arboretum Rd Mr. Froggy croaked " It's no as though they could be out catching paedophiles and murderers they have to be picking on innocent frogs going about their business. The sword happens to be an Innocent Hattori Hanzo that was a Christmas present for Miss Mouse's wee nephew, and the Pistol was a muzzle loading duelling job passed down to me by my Grandfather. Just in case Uncle Rat got the hump at me trying to nip his niece and called me out. It's hardly Al'qaeda is it? The bastards have also crushed ma bike.To top it all off the whole episode has completely ruined any chance I had of getting ma hole.
His neighbour Mr. Toad (5) offered, "I have known that laddie since he was a tadpole and he wouldn't hurt a fly. It's a shame. "The flies of the neighbourhood have however disputed this point hotly.
The law however takes a dim view of this sort of thing in light of recent tragedies, and should  the hapless Froggy be convicted, he could receive the maximum 10 years. Even with the automatic half remission he could end his days behind bars.
Miss Mouse and her Uncle Rat were unfortunately unable to comment as they had both been tragically killed in a freak boating accident involving being swallowed up by a big black snake. Hmm Hmm, Hmmm Hmmm, ahaaa.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Sutcliffe Slams Clarkson

(Above: your average lorry driver ... probably not a murderer)

Serial-murdering psycopath, keen lorry driver and so-called ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ Peter Sutcliffe today spoke out of his outrage over the Jeremy Clarkson scandal.

“Respectable lorry drivers like myself and that bloke out of the Yorkie Bar adverts were happily going about our lives, innocently listening to country & western music and whittering inane good-buddy bollocks into our CB radios until Clarkson came along with these offensive smears on our reputation. Well, granted, I wasn’t going about my innocent life. I’ve been in jail for 25 years for murderin' them prozzies for Jesus. And, okay, well now that I come to think about it - the bloke from all them Yorkie ads is a fictional character … but there must still be actual lorry drivers out there, yeah? And it’s them I feel sorry for.”

Local resident Maureen McGlinchie told us, “It’s a disgrace, is what it is. I see lorries driving past my house every day - so I know all about things like this. Clarkson just can’t get away with this sort of talk anymore. Cage the black beast, I say! He is black, isn’t he? I think he is. He’s definitely black.”

Renowned clinical psychologist Dr David Donaldson commented, “In my expert opinion, I think it’s highly unlikely that all lorry drivers in the UK are murdering prostitutes. There are over 40,000 registered HGV drivers in this country and if they were all bumping off hookers regularly, the supply would soon run out. In which case, normal, respectable women would end up taking over these prozzies’ street-pitches by night - and continuing their shift at Asda during the day. Of course, they would soon start showing signs of fatigue and confuse their roles - sucking off respectable family men in the supermarket checkout queue and offering 17% off frozen prawns to bemused lorry drivers in car parks. It’s just not likely, is what I’m saying. That’s 19,000 euros, please.”

A spokesman for Top Gear told us, “Wahoo! Our ratings have gone through the fucking roof! Ha ha ha! Eh? Peter who? Wasn’t he originally in the Beatles?”

Walk of Shame for Disgraced Beast Ross

Disgraced multi-billionaire TV host Jonathan Ross was today seen openly walking the family pet Mr Pickles in broad daylight.

His horns, forked-tail and hooves obviously disguised under heavy make-up and special effects, the media mogul cut a jaunty, almost carefree figure as he scooped dog excrement from the pavement in a nonchalant, some might even say unrepentant manner.

“Why doesn’t he just let his dog shit in the garden, like what normal folk do?” said nearby resident Maureen McGlinchie. “It’s one rule for the rich and famous and another for the rest of us. Cage this black beast.”

Animal expert Professor David Donaldson told us, “Ross will probably come back in from the walk, take the animal’s lead off and perhaps give him a treat. He might then perhaps play with Mr Pickles for a while or watch some television. I can’t be sure what he’ll be watching - but I’m guessing whatever’s on at the time. He’ll probably check through the schedules first, that’s certainly the approach I might take. He may even make himself a cup of tea. Or coffee even. Who knows. The man's a multi-billionaire, he can drink whatever the fuck he likes. The cheeky cunt. He’s just taking the piss. I agree with Mrs McGlinchie in the previous paragraph. Cage this evil beast!”

Our team of investigative journalists managed to retrieve a sample of the excrement from a nearby doggy-bin and whisked it off for detailed analysis by forensic scientists at a leading commercial laboratory, who told us, “Well, it’s … just dog shit, isn’t it? It’s just fucking dog shit. Are you taking the piss? Bringing us a pile of fucking dog shit. What the fuck do you think we are? Do you think we’ve not got better things to do than poke around in fucking dog shit, you daft cunts?”

Ross was this afternoon unavailable for comment, which just about says it all really, doesn’t it? And his wife’s a ride. Rich jammy twat.

Fury! As Scottish Episcopal Church Ordain Christian

(Above : Episcopal Logo)              
                                  (Right: His Lordship The Right Rev Dr. Rowan Williams MBE,D.I.S.C.O)
The Anglican communion was once again in uproar yesterday over the announcement that they ordained an openly Christian cleric as the new Bishop of Edinburgh.
The Rev. Basil Nice (43) has sparked controversy before in his 12 year career with his outlandish behaviour and his candid opinions. After being a priest for only six months in his first parish of Hamilton, he upset his flock by dismissing Astrology as "a complete load of bollocks and incompatible with the Christian world view." He then further embarrassed everyone by selling all his possessions and giving the proceeds away to a homeless shelter.
Speaking from his villa in Portugal Rev. Nice's former assistant to the Rector at Hamilton , Maj. Tim Wealthy ,explained. "We didn't see a problem at first as he can do what he likes with his own cash, but it made the rest of us feel very guilty and awkward. Then he had a go at the Masons, saying that we ought to make up our minds which religion we wanted to be in. It just isn't on.
Women's Institute organiser Elspeth Tiara-Mansion (Over 21) from his former parish in Morningside complained bitterly to the General Synod that nice had cancelled her Yoga classes and instead introduced Bible study hours. "Phewww!!! What a loony." Was the only comment she would make to The Satire this morning. 
His ordination has come at a time when both Scotland's Primus and the Archbishop of Canterbury are already under fire for the appointment of George Stout as the Bishop of St. Andrews. Stout (52) astonished everyone when he came 'out' as a believer in the virgin birth and claimed the Resurrection as "a very real event." Many people have alleged to have seen him reading The Bible in a sincere manner. Local press have reported him cruising  for converts in the seedier parts of towns and cities offering people forgiveness for their sins.
Meeting the very owl like Dr. Rowan Williams at Lambeth Palace earlier today I asked him frankly if this was the thin edge of the wedge. He was very concerned at the outrage over this issue . Speaking from his perch he told me. "I'm very concerned at the outrage over this issue but I have very little or no authority over the Scottish Church" He hooted and blinked revolving his head around in an impressive 360 degree sweep. "Further more, if you ask me jumping up and down and doing your nut about things is not very helpful. There are a lot of intolerant bigots out there who just can't see anybody else's point of view. Especially if those views are a bit Bible thumpy and weird. But let's face it, I mean people don't come to church to be preached to. We should forget all this dogmatic brouhaha about, 'did Jesus say this?' or 'would Jesus do that?', and just get on with the central Christian message about all being jolly nice to one and other.
Taking advantage of the Archbishop's momentary distraction by a mouse in a neighbouring field, I pressed him further as to whether or not this could split the church. "Will this split the church" I said. " Off course there will always be those who can't accept the churches teaching on things. To them I can only say,' look. Jesus had a beard and so do I....geddit? No? Right!  Off course not.That's why I'm an Archbishop. And you are not.' "
The Rt Rev. Dr. Rowan Williams was appointed Archbishop of Canterbury when his predecessor Rt Rev. Dr Drew Carey left to pursue a career in an American sitcom. Unfortunately for him the voices of dissent are legion. The outspoken and controversial former Bishop of Edinburgh Dr. Richard Hologram branded Williams a "beardy tosspot", and confidently boasted that he could " take him any day." "Mark my words." He continued." This is the slippery slope to setting The Church back 2,000 years. Before you can say 'disestablishmentarianism' we will all be running around in robes and sandals healing the sick, and taking the Ten Commandments seriously. Frankly it's a total balls ache."
Richard Dawkins is 67.

Student Not Doing Gap Year

(Above: The kind of student Japes Lucy can't be arsed with)

(Right: Lucy- not being arsed)

An Edinburgh University student has astounded all her friends at the Student Union by announcing she intends to take up employment immediately and can't be bothered her arse to go traipsing off round the world.
Lucy Fairbairn (22) had everyone aghast with her repeated assertion that she had absolutely nothing to prove and had had enough shagging and pissing it up while she was at uni.
" I had enough shagging and pissing it up while I was at uni." She confidently told The Satire, then added. "All this galavanting round the world is just an excuse not to face up to reality and get on with being an adult. Besides, I'm an attractive, sexy, well balanced and bright young women who is not at all fat arsed and frumpy with no personality. I get crates of cock right here in Edinburgh. Why would i want some chancing passport chasing Lothario from bongo bongo land pawing me and trying to make 'jiggy-jiggy'. It's ludicrous."
Penny Worthinton (23) Lucy's less attractive and slightly overweight friend disagreed and thinks she is mad. " I think she is mad. She worked bloody hard to get her law degree yeah, and now she is going to squander it by getting a job. I think she will find it difficult as most top companies these days very much expect a big gap on your CV that's full of stories about helping black people and stuff. They lap that kind of shit up you know."
Hector MacDonald (46) of Edinburgh legal firm, Shyster Macdonald & Charlatan emphatically concurred with that. " I know that we certainly would never consider taking on someone who hadn't done the gap year thing. Ideally we want someone who has swanned about the world for two. This tells us that their parents are probably wealthy and, if it's a young lady, they are probably up for it as well. You can't really go about these days bragging about your car or the size of  your house as everyone will know you're a tosser. So in order to trump your mates it's all about where you've been, and what obscure ethnic groups you put up with in a hovel for weeks. I think she should reconsider."
Miss Fairbairn was as determined as ever when we spoke to her yesterday. " Look If I really want to help people there are plenty of people here I can assist. Especially with my legal skills. If it's exotic locations you are after, I will be raking it in as a lawyer so I can travel in style instead of having to tolerate a bunch of sweaty farting Australians in a grubby dorm.
Miss Fairbairn is ex directory.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Scotia Blend Launch Swarfega Tea

(Pictured  Left: Mmm Heavy Duty. Above : A chimp gives seal of approval. Right: A mug of the new blend.)

World famous Glasgow tea company Scotia Blend have sensationally thrown their hat into the highly competitive luxury flavoured tea ring, with their newly launched Swarfega Tea.

The company based in the East End of the city made the announcement yesterday at the RMT Union Club in Bridgeton, to a crowd of over 1500 cheering mechanics and 300 labourers.
"We at Scotia Blend believe that this is a landmark in our 100 year history. What better way to mark our centenary, than with a new flavour we believe will out sell Earl Grey, Chamomile and even bog standard Typhoo within a couple of years." Thundered Scotia's National Product Director Archie MacPhee into a whistling, crackling P. A system.
Frankie Douglas(26) a tyre fitter from Partick enthusiastically gave Swarfega Tea the thumbs up. He told The Satire, "This is just fantastic news. You just can't beat a manky mug of tea. It's rare. At least in the workplace that's not a problem as most of our cups and mugs are practically marinated in Swarfega, but when you get home at night you miss that. I tried bringing a bogging mug back form work but the wife went spare. This way i can enjoy tea the way i know and love it in the comfort of my own settee. Nothing quite beats the aromatic flavour, though I admit some herbal teas come close."
Asked whether the wider public outside the auto shop would wholeheartedly embrace the new product Tommy MacAvoy, Scotia's International Sales Coordinator , had this to say. " I believe so.  Even when you consider labourers, sewage workers, and painters and decorators. There is a wealth of people who developed a taste for this kind of thing, while sitting for hours in a Kwick Fit waiting room as a ten minute job dragged out all day."
The Head Keeper of the Primate enclosure at Edinburgh zoo had deep reservations about the new tea however. " There's nothing a chimp loves more than a nice cup of char to stave of the stress, boredom and insanity of prolonged captivity in a confined space, as you know. Except of course  masturbating frantically in front of groups of schoolkids and affronted teachers. But anyway, I have to say our monkeys loved it instantly. But it did give them the most terrible shits and we've spent all day cleaning up the mess, as well as having to hospitalise three of the buggers. It makes life so much harder for the keepers. The kids love it though."
Scotia Blend are unfazed by this though as most mechanics have a much stronger constitution than chimps. So confident are the company in the success of the venture that they already have a whole range of follow up products in the pipeline including:
  • Swarfega Tea with a hint of diesel oil
  • Swarfega Tea with white bits
  • Decaf Swarfega Tea with overpowering saccharine
  • Turpentine Coffee
  • Sugar with big brown lumps through it  
As well  as the new flavours Scotia have also announced a new line of accessories such as chipped, heavily tannin stained, greasy mugs. Sugar and powdered milk encrusted spoons, and a range of Titty Calenders with big grubby fingermarks and badly drawn cocks.

(Editor's Note: If you are a small child worried about the fate of Coco, Smeato and Banjo. Fear not. The zoo assure us that Coco is coming round, and two new baby chimps are currently being tranquilized and crated up in Burundi as we write this.)

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Madonna Set to Adopt Guy Ritchie

In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she will first divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.

It is thought that as part of the settlement Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, only speak when spoken to and will have to ask permission before being excused from the dinner table. Most importantly though, he will have to get Madonna’s written permission before making any more of his really fucking shitty movies.

If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money - and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.

Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake, cor blimey so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.

When our reporter cornered Madonna outside her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.
*I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ - ed.

Ayrshire Man Finds Richard Digance Funny

                                       (  Above: A typical reaction to one of Digance's hilarious monologues on Countdown)

  (Left: Richard Digance  in a pose designed to lead you to believe he hitchhikes round his UK tour like a troubadour. Out of Shot: His  Jaguar )

A 48 year old man from Mauchline has astounded family, friends and the Nation alike by claiming he finds Richard Digance "very amusing."

The shock revelation came about when Davey Spiers was round at his in laws last Tuesday afternoon. Mr. Spiers's Mother in Law, Grace Collins (68) explained to The Satire.
" The whole family were round and the kids were not long in from the school. I just settled down with a cup of tea and a Carmel wafer to watch Countdown when yon Richard Digance came on to do one of his stories about his dog. I lifted the Remote to switch it over when Davey shouted, 'no leave him he's quite amusing at times!' Well I'll tell you, you could have heard a tenner drop. We all just stared at him incredulously as he went on to say, ' No seriously, he's a real hoot just listen.' He then proceeded to piss himself laughing as Digance droned on for what seemed like an eternity about squirrels and nuts and how much cleverer his dog was than him, which at least sounded plausible. It was surreal. He didn't sing though so thank the Lord for small mercies."
The news quickly spread about the village like wildfire, then to neighboring villages and then pretty soon the phone lines here at The Satire were jammed as thousands of people called to report the phenomena. The Satire's top reporter called Charlie, Charles "Charlie" Mingles, had this to say about the incredible discovery.
" People who have never heard of me in this small dreary backwater, that doesn't sell decent coffee and took me half a day to find. Have been in a state of total shock at the fact they are suddenly in the news and for all the wrong reasons. Before Digancegate, the media had only ever mentioned Mauchline in light of an obituary or an occasional chip pan fire. Last Tuesday just after tea time, all that tragically changed."
Richard Digance (60) the self styled "Master of Nostalgic Comedy"(many have quipped that he makes you wish Arthur Askey was still alive), came to prominence on returning to the U.K in the 70's from touring America . Whilst there he had supported Steve Martin, appearing down the bill in between a Marcel Marceau impersonator and Jurgen Hoddler and his Yodelling Youngsters. A Swiss version of The Osmonds that played alpine horns. Digance died on his arse. Back in the U.K Digance became known for his TV "specials", 'A Dabble with Digance' (BBC 1984), 'Abracadigance' (BBC 1988), 'Indegestdigance' (QVC 1991) and 'A Dental visit with Digance' (Radio St. Kilda 2005). 
Despite his many many detractors, some of whom claim he makes Giles Brandreth seem like Bill Hicks at his best , Digence has built up quite a follower in England. Many suspect he works for Channel 4, where Digance controversially beat off a challenge from Frank Bruno for the coveted 'Dictionary Corner' guest slot on Countdown, alongside that bird who's not Carol Vorderman. Many insiders on the show claim that is the reason behind the sharp exit of Des Lynam from the programme and that Carol Vorderman turned down another £6,000,000 rather than "have to pretend to laugh at one more single fucking turgid anecdote from the twat." Even Des O'Conner who would snap his farting strings at the sight of a gate swinging has remained steadfastly poker faced at Digance's feeble attempts at repartee. Prompting, Some say, his intended departure from Countdown leaving C4 struggling to find another presenter called Des. Former Countdown cameraman Ed Hollings told The Satire ."It has even been known for Rick Wakeman to have Carol giggling her knickers off for fucksakes, but Digance struggles for a forced smile. His sodding Alsatian would make a better guest."
One man however remains firmly in Digance's camp. " I think he's an uproar." Claimed Davey at his home yesterday. " You should have heard the one he told yesterday, about dropping his spoon in a cafe then having to get ano....................." He trailed off as our man Mingles lost the will to live.
Richard Digance was unavailable for comment as he was on a cruise ship.
Thank Fuck!!!


Monday, 10 November 2008

Dangerous New Toy On Shelves

The governement was today warning of a dangerous new Christmas toy on the shelves, which could damage children if played with in the wrong way.

The Fisher-Price ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can slice a man in two with just one blow - but the manufacturers say that used sensibly it can bring even very young children hours of fun.

Company spokesperson Davie Donaldson told us, ‘This news scare is just nonsense. Under proper supervision, the ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can be used by children between 3-7 years to harmlessly slice tin cans, furniture and pets clean in two! The very idea that they would use it on themselves or their parents is patently absurd.’

This is the second of such scares in as many years. Last year Fisher-Price released their controversial baby-garrote, inspired by an episode of The Sopranos.

A spokesman for The Trading Standards Office told us, ‘ This is all part of the tradition at this time of year. We know it’s the run up to Christmas when these crazy scare stories start to appear. Besides, only a handful of working-class babies strangled their mothers last year - and most of them were lone parents. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about.’

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Puppy Sales Up 300 Percent

Sales of puppies have gone up 300% in Scotland since Barack Obama’s historic acceptance speech earlier in the week.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen McGlinchie told us, ‘I’m very gullible and believe all my problems will be solved by buying a puppy. Just like yon coloured-fella who works in the White House.’

Unfortunately, the increase in new puppy sales has been exactly cancelled out by folk taking back their old puppies.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen MCGlinchie told us, ‘ I’m very gullible and was so inspired by yon coloured fella’s speech about change that I decided to swap the puppy for a new DVD-recorder instead. I’m still not happy. Cage the black beast, I say.’

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Kirkcaldy Finally Returns Brown's Calls

Add Video( Above: Gordon Brown: Making an arse of things at a BNP meeting by mistake.  And: Wee Gordy: Dogging double Maths in his Youth)

After nearly two years, almost 19,000 texts and a staggering 8,000 messages left on answering machines, Kirkcaldy has finally acknowledged the PM.
Kirkcaldy's Provost Gerry MacFlounder seated underneath a giant makeshift picture of the PM, speaking exclusively, and a bit like private Fraser from Dads Army, to The Satire explained.
 "We all love Gordon here in Kirkcaldy. He's frae here ye ken that son? We're a' affy proud o him.
His faither wis a meenister ye ken. Oh aye we're a fond o' oor Gordy as we like to call him again round this wiy."
These comments were echoed through the streets and amusement arcades of the Kingdom of Fife's bustling metropolis today from young and old alike. Mrs Margaret McHairnet(58) said of him, "Mister Broon is an inspiration to my four grandsons who all took up heroin addiction during his tenure. Thanks to him there's no shortage of squats for them to live in. A blessing on his sonsie face.......Dae ye fancy a shag son? £ 10."
Wattie Payton(23), speaking outside one of the towns many new Cash Converter stores proclaimed. "We were all shite-ing a brick there for a while, thinking that Kirkcaldy's favourite son might be a bit of an erse as well as making a giant cunt of the economy an that, but thanks to  what ever it was he done we all think he is great again." Behind him the entire population of Kirkcaldy broke out in a huge chorus of "A Gordon for me."
Things however, were not always thus. Barely 3 months ago it was near impossible to find a single soul in Fife let alone Kirkcaldy to even let on he existed.
"Gordon who? Brown...brown....brown...mmm  no definately no. Try next door." Said his parents from the steps of their humble manse.
Unconfirmed reports from sources inside Kirkcaldy Town Hall claimed that the phone was "ringing off the hook day and night. We all knew it was him, even though he would withold his number and sometimes even pretend to be a double glazing salesman to anyone stupid enough to pick up the receiver. We were under strict instructions to rubber ear the cunt. "
Provost MacFlounder nervously laughed off the allegations. "Not at all, not at all." He quipped while scrubbing anti Brown graffiti off the Town hall steps. "That was all a big misunderstanding. We thought it was another Prime Minister Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy entirely."

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he was on a Giant yacht with Duncan Bannatyne and some Russians.