Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Kay's Bar In Reasonably Priced Booze Shock!!!

(Above: JF fellates the pump in a vain attempt to solicit a tip from a gay millionaire )

The Revelation that a popular New Town Bar is to start selling affordable booze has caused outrage among at least six people.
"This is an outrage" Bellowed multi millionaire insider trader and former guest of Her Majesty,Major(Rtd)Rupert Morningside-Bently. "Before you know it the place will be full of rum types. Drinking lager, wearing overalls and farting while they sing poor quality soccer chants. Instead of decent well bred types in chords and brogues, farting along in unison to raucous and stout hearted rugger songs. I don't come here to sip a pink gin and trawl the personal columns of The Telegraph, so that my Spaniels can rub shoulders with the great unwashed. It's political 'what have you' gone mad. "DAAaaamnation!!" He roared, brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse&Hounds magazine and tripping over a black Labrador.
The Satire put the Majors point of view to a gentleman behind the bar who appeared to have just completed a triathlon wearing a shirt, tie and apron. Identifying himself only as "Jeff" and speaking for some bizarre reason in a comedy Allo Allo accent he told us .."Mon Dieu! Zut Alors! Fucksakes even! Eef zey don't like eet zey can fuck off. In fact what's eet to you? You can fuck off as well and take zees fucking Poodle with you. I have been tripping over the bastard all day."
Scottish Justice Minister, Commie killjoy and puritanical arsehole Kenny MacAskill was similarly upset. Speaking from his mansion and glugging Chateau Lafite 1787 he slurred. "We just can't have thish kind of behaviour. Before you know it we'd be letting dangerous terrorists out the jail."
Some found themselves disagreeing with the Major. German dissident, Big Yin/ Sammy Hagar Impersonator and regular drinker, Graf Olaf Von Furniss for example. Standing on the head of a Pekingese he ventured. "I disagree with that cunt yeah. I think it's a top Idea. Not only can I wash down an unfeasible amount of nuts with an affordable pint, but Glenrothes Whiskey is blindingly cheap to. Can I just add that Scotmid are total arseholes". Asked about what his Grandfather did during the war he coughed and claimed he'd been "on urlaub in Ibiza" at the time. Then made a sharp exit.
The news is a welcome breath of fresh air for this online Editor. I normally would have to save up my giros for weeks to have a drink in Kay's. Now I can mix with the upper crust boldly. After all if it wasn't for cunts like them. Cunts like me wouldn't have any houses to burgle. So here's to them."
Last word on the matter goes to the hitherto bellicose Major. "Well it's a sign of the times." He sighed philosophically. "I suppose you need somewhere to keep the riffraff out of The Canny Man's."
Graf Olaf Von Furniss is 103 apparently. (Hilarious.....isn't it.)

Wednesday, 28 July 2010


Milfs&Booze Anti Romance bring you.........

Gentlemen. Sick and tired to your swollen bollocks of the old ball and chain sticking her neb in to every aspect of your life. Are you a non threatening platonic fuckwit hanging round the object of your desire like a sex starved albatross, pandering to her every ridiculous whim in the vain hope she might one day let you fiddle with her lady bits? Then you need to ...Tell Her to Fuck Right Off!! In no uncertain terms.
But Wait!! We hear you whimper. "I'm an Invertebrate softcock. A spineless goon of a manhole who long ago lost any ability to stand up for myself. I couldn't possibly do that. Besides...isn't it illegal?
NO! It bloody well isn't. Not yet anyway. Chapter by chapter and page by page with stunning illustrations, let Dr. Laird (University Of Nigeria) guide you through the liberating process of regaining your manhood, your dignity and your bank account.
LEARN. The forgotten art of Telling Her to Fuck Right Off!! In 16 Languages including : English, German,French, Japanese, Mandarin, Fujian, Gaelic, Serbo-Croat, Mongolian, Sindebele, Kiswahili and San Bushman.
GRASP. The skills and sheer chutzpah needed to Tell Her to Fuck Right Off!! In those delicate situations such as:
Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! At the Altar in front of her assembled family and idiot friends.
Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she needs 10 Grand for Tit surgery.
Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she has the cancer and looks like Anne Widdecombe's Gran.
Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she's six months up the duff.
Yes! It's all here. For the paltry sum of £25.00 plus £2.99 for no other reason other than we just thought it up. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR LIFE BACK. Lovingly bound in the cheapest compressed cardboard and beautifully adorned in a photo pilfered off the internet, THTFRO will brighten up your bookshelf or porn pile and be the talk of your local neighborhood watch harridans .
Print off and tear.
Dear The Satire,
Please rescue me from my life of utter shite and drudgery by rushing me a copy of the excellent Tell Her to...In a plain package preferably to a single mate's house as the missus/ girlfriend will fuckin kill me if she finds out.
I enclose £27.99 in postal orders as again she can't find out about it.
FALSE NAME..............................
MATE'S ADDRESS...............................
POST CODE.............................
MOBILE NUMBER...........................

Thanks Lads.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

2010 Already Pretty Shite

(Below: Our artists impression
of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.
Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."
All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.
In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.
In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.
And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.
"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."
Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.