Tuesday, 6 December 2016

ADVERTISING FEATURE

                                  Fourth Reich Promotions
                                               Present...







                  David Irving
                      + Support

                                 Screwdriver

                                          Nordic Thunder

                                                                        Jim Davidson

                                                                        Nick Griffin  cancelled



See David perform a selection of his greatest hits live including old favourites such as...

            "Holocaust? What Holocaust?"

                  "6 Million Mein Arsch"

       " Hitler, Goering, and Himmler were all at a stag do in Ibiza at the time"                                             

Don't miss the brand new numbers..

        "Ok, there might have been a few accidents at Auschwitz."

                        "Geez a Job"

and the very touching.. 

            "any chance of a tenner gov?"

                   
      Glasgow  19th December








                                           
                                     
                      

Friday, 26 February 2016

SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts



Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.




Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Music Business " Chuffed to Fuck" About Bowie

Bowie
Lemmy

The music industry where said to be chuffed to fuck yesterday about the death of David Bowie. The shock demise of the switch hitting songster comes hard on the heels of the recent croaking of Mortarhead front man Lenny Kravitz.

"We're Chuffed to Fuck to hear the sad news about David Bowie as this means the entire business can go into overdrive selling loads of shit. What with it being on the heels of that other bloke what died of an extremely opportune cancer of the arsehole or something. All we need now is that cunt MacCartney to shuffle off for the treble." Said silly hairdoed impressario and celebrity shitehouse Simon Cowell. While on the phone to his agent, trying to get photo ops of himself greetin' while staring wistfully at a copy of Diamond Dogs.

"This is terrible news." Chimed in Toby Shortbread the Manager of HMV on Princes St Edinburgh.
"We just got the front of shop all Motorheady with books CDs , DVDs , mugs, T-shirts , posters and other worthless shite that's been clogging up our storeroom for ages. Now we will have to clear some of that away and Get our Bowie shit together. On the bright side it's good for the tills as we usually sell fuck all after Christmas. This gives me a great chance to offload all those Blue ray DVDs of Labyrinth that I've been stuck with. They'll fucking fly out the door at a decent mark up."

Regular Satire rent a quote Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead was out shopping in The Forge when this reporter caught up with her and her six weans.

"I'm just here tae spend ma Christmas vouchers wi the weeans so am ur. I was definitely gonnae buy Munterhead's Space of Aids fur ma da so a wis. Then a saw that Munterhead made a load of other songs and even albums and got confused. Then a found oot that Bowwowwow were pan breed as well. It gave me a quandry, so a just boat Now That's What I Call An Atrocity vol 169."

BBC Radio Scotland's Vic Galloway was unsurprisingly upbeat.
"We were all ready to play a load of Motorhead stuff selected for the programme by the members of Frightened Rabbit, Camera Obscura and Chvrches. But theyd never heard anything other than Ace of Spades. So it was quite a relief When Mr. David Bowie esquire bit the dust. Fuck that Heavy Metal Pish."

His Radio Scotland colleague Billy Droan added.
" I'm extremely saddened to hear of the death of my good mate David Bowie. Especially after the sudden death of my bestest great pal Lenny Bruce of Monster Magnet. Now here's a track from U2."

Stockbridge rent a quote for all things muso Olaf Furniss, summed things up nicely when he oppined.
"This is tragic. I'd even say it's Pish yeah. I'm on holiday in Mexico and thought I'd nowt better to do than drink mojitos, eat veggie tacos and sun ma Peely Wally self. Now I'm going to have to knock out at least 500 words a piece to The Scotsman and The Skinny.
Inconsiderate cunts!!"

David Bowfy was 69