Sunday, 29 March 2009

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe

         ( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!) 

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.
The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old. 
Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:
  • Regularly having sex(mainly boys). 
  • Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
  • Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
  • Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
  • Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
  • Going to get their room tidied up.
A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland. 
John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.
Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.
The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.
First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."
The Bullshit continues.

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Actor Everyone Thought Was Dead Apologises

 (Sir David John White OBE: Very, very sorry  and bad at  joke telling. You Plonker!!)

An Actor that everyone was convinced had popped his clogs years ago has publicly apologised for telling a joke.
The 69 year old thesp, Sir David John White OBE, aka David Jason, aka Danger Mouse was best known previously for the so called funniest moment in British comedy. The Infamous Del Boy falls over at the bar scene. A scene so hilarious that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital with a suspected ruptured farting string after seeing it.
Now the joke seems to be on the ageing star after he told a bad joke to a bloke called Christian O'Connell who apparently has a Radio Show. Quoth Sir David. "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant....? Mahatma Coat." The joke was immediately pulled from the broadcast but then placed on the podcast, presumably as it would become less bad if they done that. Millions of people from all over the world, none of whom were Pakistani as they were busy avoiding death by terrorism, then rang in to complain. 
Speaking from his Castle in Nuremberg Del Boy gave the following apology: "I am deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Of course now I realise that the the guy in the joke was supposed to be Indian not Pakastani, I offer my sincere apologies to Pakistanis, Indians and fans of Christmas cracker type jokes alike. It completely ruined the punchline and I regret that. Whaaat a Plonker!" At that he solemnly turned and fell over at the bar.
Former comedian and fat racist,  Bernard Manning was the first to condemn the Joke from beyond the grave. Speaking  through camp scouse fuck wit medium Derek Acorah, he told The Satire ." While I was alive and doing comedy at the Embassy Club I told fookin' loads of gags about Pakistanis. Now I'm up in heaven I realise I was wrong. Seventeen of the cunts live next door to me up here and they are fantastic. David Jason? What a fookin ham. Any cunt knows it's supposed to be an Indian bloke in that gag. Making him Pakistani is not funny, and out of date, hahahahaha...." he tailed off.
King of nostalgic comedy, and star of Countdown's Dictionary Corner, Richard Digance said. " I think that's a horrible joke. Here's one. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant? A very nice man and a damn good bloke who works bloody hard."
Up and down the streets of Britain people spoke out in condemnation. "Am absolutely shocked so am ur!" Gasped regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen McGlinchie of Parkhead. "I thought he was pan bread years ago."
Recently unemployed Frankie Douglas from Partick fumed at the outrage. " When I saw that Del Boy sketch the first time I pissed myself so much my bladder exploded out my cock like driver's airbag. The Wife was laughing so long and loud I had to punch her into a coma to get her to stop. Now that I know he is a vile racist, I will no longer be sitting for hours in bars in Spanish tourist traps, watching endless repeats of the show."
Ophelia Cuntington-Smythe(36) speaking from her cottage in the Cotswolds nowhere near any black or Asian people commented. "I think immigrants get a hard enough time without this. I have a Philippino maid, an Albanian gardener and a lovely Polish lad who comes to clean my pipes. All three of them work for peanuts. It's Divine. I think more immigrants should come here, as I have loads of dog shit from my poodles I need cleaned up. Come one, come all I say. Especially as they can't afford to live round here."
Christian O'Connell was available for comment all day, but we couldn't be arsed talking to him.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Campaign To Bring Back Ducking Stool Underway

(Left:The Ducking stool put to use on Common Scold)
(Right: Mr Drial heavily disguised)

An Edinburgh Man is campaigning for the return of The Ducking Stool.
Tom Drial(42),who counts John Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women as one of his favourite holiday reads. Has been lobbying his MP, MSP and The Scottish Parliament for the reimplementation of the device for 5 years now."Let's be clear. We done away with this thing hundreds of years ago and where has it gotten us? Loose Women, that's where. The afternoon TV show I mean. Not the other kind. I'm rather partial to them." Mr. Drial, who's toilet seat is nailed permanently in an upright position, told The Satire! " It may seem cruel and antiquated but those are only two of the advantages. As well as being a punishment it can provide great mirth and delight to countless stressed out men. Fit looking birds could also be made to wear a thin white T-shirt that would go see through when she is ducked. It really is multi faceted. 
Tom Drial who looks uncannily like The Editor of an online satirical magazine is to stranger to controversey. Only last month he was awarded the freedom of the City of Riyadh by King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz for "Services to Manfulness". Only to have it rescinded two weeks later when it was discovered Drial had driven a bulldozer through a felafel shop in support of Israel's invasion of Lebanon. Embarrassingly for Drial and the Israelis it later transpired the shop was not even run by Arabs. Drial sent a letter of apology to King Abdullah explaining he'd been "pished oot his nut" at the time. This only enraged the King even further and a fatwa was issued. The Mossad are also on his case. Lothian and Borders Police put a round the clock watch on Tom but he pissed them off by constantly referring to two WPCs as "love", refusing to take the nails out the toilet seat and regularly demanding that they make him cups of tea while trying to get in their pants. The team pulled out.
Mr Drial has also compiled a list of crimes for which the ducking stool could be used along with appropriate punishments. The List includes:
  • Common Scoldery:                                                             Three Ducks of 1 minute each.
  • Fishwivery:                                                                     One Duck            1 min
  • Meddlesome Ratbaggery:                                               Three                    1 min
  • Burning my dinner:                                                         Four                     2 min
  • Gasbaggery:                                                                   Two                      1 min
  • Buying me the wrong present for my birthday when I've banged on for a Bastard year about that putter I wanted:
Drownded, revived by being slapped in the face with said John Knox masterpiece then drownded again.
We at The Satire put it to Mr. Drial, who is surprisingly single, that he was being slightly misogynistic what with this being modern times but he chuckled and disagreed. " Not at all, I'm a big softcock really. I always hold in my farts in bed with a woman and whenever a household appliance breaks down I always get her a new one."
The scheduled march through the streets of Edinburgh by thousands of supporters was canceled today when their wives wouldn't let them go.

"Ship Not Sinking!"Says Sinking Ship's Captain.

(Left: "No more sink or swim". Captain Brown.)  (Above Right: SS.Britainic apparently NOT sinking)

From our Maritime correspondent: Vice Rear Admirer. Carlton Mingles-Mingles SOS.

Despite hundreds of large rodents pouring overboard, amid screams of terror and mass panic, a brave ship's Captain has steadfastly assured all on the board(surely 'on board'. Ed.) that there was no need for alarm.
Captain Gordon Brown of the SS. Britainic made the appeal to both passengers and crew yesterday after the ship run aground off the coast of North West Europe. Despite dire warnings from other shipping in the region The SS. Britainic collided with a notoriously treacherous maritime hazard The Northern Rock. The Bilge immediately started overflowing and  began to flood the lower classes(surely compartments.Ed) and the ship listed dangerously to the left causing many to panic and head for the Life Savings Bonds(Boats!! You're fired! Ed.). Distress flares were fired and an SOS sent out but the USS. America was in similar difficulties and unable to respond.
Cometh the hour though, cometh the man and Captain Brown stepped up heroically to the mark. " No-one could have foreseen this massive ruddy great obstacle sticking out of the water. Unless of course they were able to utilise some sort of rudimentary bifocal seeing device. However now that this terrible tragedy has befallen you all. Let's not get carried away. Despite the fact that the ship is disappearing below the surface at a rapid rate of knots, and people and pieces of furniture are sliding past you. Take heart. Even now, very now, The Purser Mr. Darling is frantically re-arranging the deck chairs and our entertainments officer Mr Balls is currently organising a game of quoits for the pensioners. This ship is most certainly not blubble blubble glurg..." He gasped as the ship's band bravely played ' Things can only get better' the ship's anthem.
Heavy criticism came from Captain Vince Cable of the SS.Libdem however. Only a mile away from the disaster at the time. "For mile after nautical mile I pleaded with Captain Brown over the airwaves to change course and not crash his vessel into a bloody big stone. He simply called me a nervous Nelly and cackled insanely into the radio."
HM Coast Guard were unavailable for comment as they were all signing on the dole.

Friday, 20 March 2009

Men Embarassed Over Burlesque Confusion

( Right: Slapper.Totally Different.

(Bellow:Burlesque Artiste)

Thousands of men all over the World, but mainly one in Edinburgh, were ashamed today to realise they have been getting sexually aroused by perfectly respectable performance artistes.
"I'm thoroughly digusted wi maself." Cried 42 year old Tom Laird, ruggedly handsome yet witty,sensitive and intelligent reporter and Editor in Chief of The Satire. "There I was regularly spanking one out to the likes of Dita Von Teese, Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman in that shite film with Ewan McGregor about Paris and that. Now I realise that what they were doing has nothing whatsoever to do with stripping and is something totally different, I don't know where to look. I feel such a fool. I can only offer my sincere apologies to these lovely ladies for any offence caused and will assure them that from now on I will only tug myself off to them when they are not doing Burlesque."
These sentiments were shared by by men from New York to Hong Kong. Mulenga Bwalya(28) from Lusaka Zambia used to relieve himself discretely under the table at an internet cafe in the city's Cairo Road on a daily basis to the likes of Dita Von Teese,Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and "Madam Nicole Kidman in that most bad film with the Scottish man who rides motorbikes in Africa. But now God has shown me the error of my ways I am very sorry to those very wonderful women. I will only play with my chikala when they are not Burlesqeuing."
Deng Shiu Pong(31) from Shanghai told The Satire, " I am most confused. I thought these women were sexy and alluring. Now I have found out that they are professional artistes I am very annoyed with myself. I like very much Dita Von Teese, and the other ones the other two guys like as well as Nicole Kidman in that awful film with Charlie Boorman in it. I am very sorry and humbled that I spent much time masturbating like sick monkey. From now on I will be very careful to only jerk off to strippers."
Burlesque is an art form invented in the olden days when women weren't allowed to do striptease until they'd finished all the housework. It has had a recent resurgence due to the fact it allows middle class girls to prance about scantily clad. Getting their jollies whilst simultaneously looking down their noses at working class girls who get their kit off and rub their tits in men's faces for a living.
 "Burlesque is an art form yeah. It's about female empowerment and expressing yourself. Men should not be getting turned on by it at all. It makes me very angry. Perverts!" Said Miss Imogen Waiterose aka 'Pousez Lix'(26), looking through her legs while bending over in fishnet stockings.
Mr Laird's trial continues at Edinburgh Sheriff Court.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Fat Davey Is New Face of Versace

(Fat David: 1979.The Halcyon days . Sporting his summer collection outside his council house in Fife)

A Cowdenbeath Man has landed a top modeling job with a famous fashion designer.
Fat Davey aka David Donaldson(56) from Woodend, broke the astonishing news to his incredulous mates down at The Glen Tavern last Friday night after the bingo. Davey's Mother Cathy(84) was the first to offer him her congratulations. "He was always a right good lookin' boy. Not as good lookin' as his father but he's always had a way with the ladies." She said proudly." I've never met any of his girlfriends, but whenever he gets in from work I make him his tea, and he tells me about all the women that are after him. Britney Spears is one of them. I think she bides in Lochgelly or somewhere exotic like that. So it came as no shock to me that yon Tally fella gave him a job. Apparently he was asked to be Bruce Willis in one of they Die hard movies. But he turned it down to nurse me when I had bunions. He's a good boy."
Others were a tad more skeptical. "He's a spinning cunt!" Spat Wullie Menzies(46). What's the fat fuck modeling? Bras? He talks utter shite, take it from me come this time next week he will still be driving the 33 and telling us he gave up modelling coz they wanted him to do nude work. Wanker."
" The only thing Davey is a model of is a fat waster." Echoed bar maid Gail Robertson(28). "He's always tryin' to chat me up and get into my knickers by tellin' me his tall tales. The best one is when apparently Him and George Clooney got into a fight over a bird in a Dunfermline night club. It ends up with Davey banging Clooney's head off the floor shouting ' Have ye had enough yet Geordie? Have ye? Eh? Eh?Eh? ' In rhythm with the thumps. He then picks up Clooney and throws him at the bouncers. After that he takes George's girlfriend home and shags her. I don't believe a word of it. Especially the bit about the shag."
Fat Davey was unavailable for comment as he was on a photo shoot in Dubai with the Pussycat Dolls.

Obama Change Train Thunders On.

                    (President Obama : Not being like former  president  Bush)

From our Washington Corespondent: Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's train of change continued to rumble down those tracks at breakneck runaway speed yesterday when in a shock move he replaced the curtains in the Oval Office.
The unprecedented move has polarised political pundits who praised and condemned the action in equal measure. A top White House aide, Dwight D. Donaldson, sang the presidents praises to this reporter down the telephone this morning. " I think this sends a clear message that the old regime has gone for good and that a new age is dawning for America. The curtains are merely the tip of the iceberg. I can disclose that their are radical new plans afoot to completely replace the soap dispensers in the toilets as well. I think people will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel for our great nation. One with a new energy saving bulb at that."
Even allowing for the terrible connection it was a strange song with a complete lack of rhyme, rhythm or melody and his guitar was in need of retuning. 
Outside the White House rails a big group of naive candy assed liberals hooted, whooped and a hollered and done that stupid dance where you stir a big invisible bowl of porridge with both hands. "We love you Barack!" Shrieked 16 year old, over enthusiastic, unattractive and overweight  Sophomore Kelly Bagel, through the railings.
From his home in Hollywood actor Richard Dreyfus sent a televised message to Obama supporters, encouraging them to continue a candlelit vigil for the complete interior redecoration of the Presidents home. "A total lack of vision in the curtain department characterised the last Presidency and contributed to the deaths of thousands in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those days are over and our troops can die proudly in the knowledge that they have a Commander in Chief who cares deeply about drapery." Intoned Mr. Dreyfus. The actor best known for annoying Robert Shaw.
Scathing attacks were launched across the political right today though. The most blistering coming from Talk Radio host  Rush Boorman who bellowed, "This proves that Obama is the worst kind of tax and spend liberal, robbing the hard working middle classes of America in order to pay for his Commie curtains. I bet they are red. Mark my words it's the thin edge of the pinko wedge. Today the curtains, tomorrow the soap dispensers, then before you know it heavily armed BATF thugs will storm through your door and redecorate your house with all fagoty pastels and shades. Over my red white and blue curtain draped body!" 
President Obama was unavailable for comment as he was printing huge sums of cash to spend on bombing Afghanistan.

Friday, 6 March 2009

"Jesus Was Scottish". Claims Half Arsed Theologian

(Left: Dr. Beckford in the Gorbals)

                                 (Right: Our 'Artist's' Impression of Jesus at the Last Supper)

Jesus came from The Gorbals. That's the official verdict of a contraversial Anglo/Carribean theologian in his new book and TV special "The Gorbals According To Christ".
Dr. Robert Beckford who spent hours researching the theory that he now claims to be conclusive told The Satire " There can be absolutely no doubt now that the Gospels were probably wrong and that our Lord and saviour was in fact maybe a soapdodger. All the circumstantial evidence tends to suggest that he could have been a Wegie and that he was most definitely possibly born in The Gorbals. This will rock traditional Christianity to it's foundations.
Dr. Beckford gained his PhD in Creative Theology at the University of Birmingham. He is no stranger to contention, previously bringing the edifice of Orthodox Christianity crashing to the ground six times with his previous theories that included:
  • Jesus: The Unmistakable Iraqi Origins
  • Christ: I'm a Deity get me out of here(The Undeniable Early Jamaican Years)
  • Jesus the Muslim
  • Goodness Gracious Me- ssiah: How our Lord ended up in India.
  • Christ of the Antarctic
  • The Jesus Myth: How the Aboriginals Invented Catholicism
"This only goes to show that Dr. Beckford can't seem to decide what he believes or why." Claimed the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone from Glastonbury where he was being initiated into the Golden Dawn society. "However what's important here is not to get caught up in a lot of doctrinal doggy doo about Jesus's nationality and to concentrate on the central Christian message of keeping me in a job."
The Dreadlocked academic hit back at his detractors with what he claimed was irrefutable evidence for his thesis. "I met a guy in a pub in the Calton and he swore it was true. If that wasn't enough, we have the documented Gospels of Partick Prophet William Of Connolly, written around 1976 CE. In which he describes in detail and with great humour the true story of Jesus. To this day in Glasgow, names like Mary, Joseph, Paul, John, Peter and Shug are very common. There is even a distinctly Middle Eastern looking temple in the middle of the Gorbals to this day.Explain that one. How any one can claim that a bunch of stories sometimes written up to 20 years after the events can be relied upon, I just don't know.
Neither Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens would comment as they weren't giving a fuck.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Bellshill Man Sues Sally James

( Left:Mr. McGrory after laser eye treatment)

         (Right: Almost Legendary tits)

A Lanarkshire man is set to bring a  £1,000,000 lawsuit against former children's TV presenter Sally James on the grounds that she completely ruined his eyesight.
Kevin McGrory of Community Rd Bellshill is outraged that he has failed to realise his childhood dream of becoming an airline pilot, and puts the blame squarely at the door of the busty Tiswas star.
"Up until I was 9 my eyesight was better than a hawk with binoculars, then Sally came on Saturday morning telly with her Almost Legendary Pop Interviews and things started to slip. You have to remember these were the days before cable, or Internet or even Channel 4 with it's arty french porn films. Catching a glimpse of Sally's cleavage at the weekend was every boys highlight. To make things worse my Maw and Da used to go to ASDA and leave me in the hoose alone. I made the most of it I can tell you. It was ecstasy. The sight of those babies jiggling as she laughed was as good as watching hard core dutch filth. I ruined two settee's, and three carpets. When the guys came from General George to fit a new one they had to tear the old one up with a pneumatic drill. My Mother was disgusted."
But young Kev was to pay dearly for his libidinous pleasure. "I paid dearly for my liby..libid...lobby...horny fun" he said, wiping away a tear of regret. "By the time I was 14 my eyesight was away to fuck. I couldn't even knock one out to page three of The Sun as I couldn't even find the paper let alone the pictures. I made Mr. Magoo look like Steve Austin. And that's not all. Both my young brothers are over six feet tall. I stayed at 4'10" the rest of my days. I also had hands like a gorilla's and had to shave them every other day. It was all very traumatic. Much as I have fond memories of Sally, her and her big lovely tits have a lot to answer for."
Despite thousands of pounds spent on corrective eye treatment Mr. McGrory is still "as blin as a bat" and experts say he will never be able to as much as fly a kite never mind a passenger jet. 
"It all sounds very tragic but this has really got fuck all to do with me." Said Sir Richard Branson. Beardy owner of some aeroplanesdismissively from his mobile phone. In a balloon somewhere over the Atlantic when The Satire called him yesterday. " If the authorities say he can't fly," he explained, "He can't fly. How the hell did you get this number?"
Sally James(58) was not prepared to talk to us no matter how great we said her tits were. However her lawyer, Digby Carter-Cunt of Shyster Huxter and Cunt emphatically denied the claim. 
"My Almost Legendary client denies this claim emphatically. It's absurd and ridiculous. I have inside information from Mr. McGrory's brother that my client was not the only object of his desire. Apparently he was regularly pulling the head of it to Sheena Easton, Janet Ellis, The cadbury's bunny and even Fran & Anna. Why should Ms. James take all the spunk..I mean blame. Besides, I and many another young lad were chugging away at the sight of Sally's hooters and it never done us any harm." He said, talking to a lamp post.
Lenny Henry was available for comment 143 times this week but we wouldn't answer the phone.