Friday, 5 April 2019

"Brexit a Total Disaster" Says Posh Bint



Cornelia with her horse 'Soubry' that she "imported very cheaply from the continent"

Interview by our Chinless Wonder Correspondent: Sir Charlton Mingle-Mingleton III (MC, DSO, and BAR)



Brexit. What is it? Why is it important? Who uses it? Should we be afraid of it?
A resounding "yes!" to all three questions according to serial wife and professional clotheshorse, Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe. She pontificates condescendingly to our very own Charlton Mingle- Mingleton of that Ilk.

Satire: What's your view of what's happened so far?

Cornelia: Well it's awful, isn't it, simply awful with that frightful woman Theresa whatever her name is, just arsing everything up completely. I mean who made her in charge, with her ghastly wardrobe and gauche shoes. Well really.

Satire: Yes. Many people feel betrayed by the fact that this being one of the most decisive votes in UK history, the government is failing to carry out the clear will of the majority and...

Cornelia: Look here. All this rot about democracy is all very well but democracy should be about getting things right, and here the people quite obviously got it wrong. Who put them in charge? With their ghastly wardrobes and their gauche white vans? The vehicles I mean, not those awful shoes. And their nasty parochial bigoted views. Hugo and I live here in the Cotswolds half the year and it's very difficult to get help as it is. I mean what are we to do if we get out of Europe? 
We have a wonderful maid named .......um...well her name is perfectly unpronounceable, it's some sort of foreign name. She comes from Russia or Poland or something or other... Hugooo?! (Shouts to her husband in the next room) Where's that girl from? You know, the one who cleans up and cooks? Oh well it matters not, the point is she's very very cheap and sleeps in the cupboard under the stairs. Can I get someone local to do that? Can I buggery, so there you have it.

Satire: What's your view of what should be the next step? How should Theresa May's government proceed? Should we bite the bullet and go for no deal, or do you think another referendum is the best way forward?

Cornelia: Another vote would certainly stave things off for a while. Should that go wrong we can always do it again. Until these so called people get it right. For the love of god, it's perfectly simple. I have a Spanish gardener, I think his name is Jose, at least that's what I call him because he's always watering the plants. But the point is he's very very cheap and who else will I get to clean up my dog's shit from the patio or muck out the stables for next to nothing? I mean reaallly.

Satire: What do you say to the accusation that people like yourself are only really concerned about your own narrow self interest and don't really care about the wider implications of remaining in the EU especially for ordinary working people?

Cornelia: Working people?Well I beg your pardon but how do you think I pay for all this?( waves her hand around at the various paintings and objects d'art) My last two husbands both went bankrupt and left me with next to nothing. I'm down to only two horses in the stables, Hugo works bloody hard as an Investment Banker which, God love him, hardly pays the bills. So I have to keep up my modelling career, which of course doesn't pay what it used to thanks to competition from these Eastern European girls. I know what a hard days work is, thank you very much. I've done a couple and it's no joke.

Satire: So how do you think a no deal Brexit will affect you?

Cornelia: Well my daughter Lucy is at school in Switzerland, so christ knows what we will have to do there. Hugo and I have a second home down in the Dordogne.....or is it Alsace? (Hugo shouts through "It's both") How are we supposed to get there? Not to mention all our vineyard workers come from Romania or some godforsaken place. What do we do about that, employ French people? Fuck that! I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm jolly angry about this. This is the harsh reality that people like me are faced with when you let democracy loose on the unwashed.


Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe(33) is a fund raiser for People's Vote














Tuesday, 29 January 2019

"Remarkable" and Rare Photograph of Peter Hitchens Smiling Goes on Sale


Former Bolshevik Bastard Hitchens in a momentary lapse of decorum

By our Arts Correspondent: C. Mingles


A rare picture of Mail on Sunday columnist Peter Hitchens laughing is set to go on sale at Sotheby’s.

The extraordinary moment was captured by amateur photographer TonyBartley(22) who had been in the audience at a recent Question time appearance by the Bishop bothering journalist.

“I knew I was on to something special when it happened”.
Said the elated snapper on the phone to Satire art correspondent Cholmondley Mingles this morning.

“Every photographer dreams of capturing that special moment in time, and creating something Iconic. I just knew instinctively after a woman in the audience agreed with him ' heartily ' about grammar schools, that the notorious Jeremiah was about to break character and show us his pearlies. A truly remarkable incident now captured on film for posterity. A good thing too as no-one would have believed it otherwise. "

Not quite as “remarkable” as it could have been however according to Sotheby’s photo specialist Lisette Asquith. She told The Satire...

 “ At first we thought the photograph was a lot rarer as it was initially reported that he wasn’t chuntering on about grammar schools at the time of capture. I was initially sceptical about that, and my reservations turned out to be correct. A great shame as it could have fetched a much higher price at auction. Only last year a photograph of John Pilger grinning inanely and not banging on about East Timor sold to a collector in New York for $750,000. We rather hoped this one of Mr. Hitchens would have broke the Million mark. Bollocks!”

A spokesman for Mr. Hitchens said...

 "Peter is doing penance at the moment by kneeling on broken glass and flagellating himself with an old copy of The Guardian. So he can't talk. But he wishes it known that he is thoroughly ashamed of what he calls a "shameful and unforgivable display of un-Britishness and lack of dignified reserve. "

Original reports claimed that he'd been laughing at a, what turned out to be fake, news item that Russel Brand had died tragically in an horrific hairdressing accident. Though Ironically and disappointingly those turned out to be  pish as well.

Peter Hitchens is younger than you expect him to be.



Saturday, 11 February 2017

Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!


Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday


From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.




Tuesday, 6 December 2016

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Friday, 26 February 2016

SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts



Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.




Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Music Business " Chuffed to Fuck" About Bowie

Bowie
Lemmy

The music industry where said to be chuffed to fuck yesterday about the death of David Bowie. The shock demise of the switch hitting songster comes hard on the heels of the recent croaking of Mortarhead front man Lenny Kravitz.

"We're Chuffed to Fuck to hear the sad news about David Bowie as this means the entire business can go into overdrive selling loads of shit. What with it being on the heels of that other bloke what died of an extremely opportune cancer of the arsehole or something. All we need now is that cunt MacCartney to shuffle off for the treble." Said silly hairdoed impressario and celebrity shitehouse Simon Cowell. While on the phone to his agent, trying to get photo ops of himself greetin' while staring wistfully at a copy of Diamond Dogs.

"This is terrible news." Chimed in Toby Shortbread the Manager of HMV on Princes St Edinburgh.
"We just got the front of shop all Motorheady with books CDs , DVDs , mugs, T-shirts , posters and other worthless shite that's been clogging up our storeroom for ages. Now we will have to clear some of that away and Get our Bowie shit together. On the bright side it's good for the tills as we usually sell fuck all after Christmas. This gives me a great chance to offload all those Blue ray DVDs of Labyrinth that I've been stuck with. They'll fucking fly out the door at a decent mark up."

Regular Satire rent a quote Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead was out shopping in The Forge when this reporter caught up with her and her six weans.

"I'm just here tae spend ma Christmas vouchers wi the weeans so am ur. I was definitely gonnae buy Munterhead's Space of Aids fur ma da so a wis. Then a saw that Munterhead made a load of other songs and even albums and got confused. Then a found oot that Bowwowwow were pan breed as well. It gave me a quandry, so a just boat Now That's What I Call An Atrocity vol 169."

BBC Radio Scotland's Vic Galloway was unsurprisingly upbeat.
"We were all ready to play a load of Motorhead stuff selected for the programme by the members of Frightened Rabbit, Camera Obscura and Chvrches. But theyd never heard anything other than Ace of Spades. So it was quite a relief When Mr. David Bowie esquire bit the dust. Fuck that Heavy Metal Pish."

His Radio Scotland colleague Billy Droan added.
" I'm extremely saddened to hear of the death of my good mate David Bowie. Especially after the sudden death of my bestest great pal Lenny Bruce of Monster Magnet. Now here's a track from U2."

Stockbridge rent a quote for all things muso Olaf Furniss, summed things up nicely when he oppined.
"This is tragic. I'd even say it's Pish yeah. I'm on holiday in Mexico and thought I'd nowt better to do than drink mojitos, eat veggie tacos and sun ma Peely Wally self. Now I'm going to have to knock out at least 500 words a piece to The Scotsman and The Skinny.
Inconsiderate cunts!!"

David Bowfy was 69







Thursday, 30 July 2015

FUCK CECIL!!! Says Wally the Wildebeest



Wally wary of "Cunting Lions."
The remains of Wally's mate Willy after Cecil fancied a snack.



 











A wildebeest called Wally has contacted The Satire's African correspondent Chaka Mingelele to tell him he's "not giving a flying monkey's" about Cecil the Lion.
"I don't give a flying monkey's about that cunting lion or any other one for that matter. Fuck Cecil, and all his mates".
Fumed the 8 year old bovid from his bush hideout in Wankie(yes we know it's been changed to Hwange, but our correspondent assures us "it's still wankie.") game reserve in Zimbabwe. He continued...
"These crusty trustafarian cunts should walk a mile in my fucking hooves every day and see how much they think lions are cute and cuddly, and deserve not to be blasted through the brain with an elephant gun. Only the other day my mate Willy (see picture above) was standing chewing the cud and minding his own business, when that hirsute prick Cecil jumped on him and tore him to ribbons. I'm glad it took 40 hrs for the arsehole to die. I'm not speciesist or anything, but I think lions are cunts. That bloke wots a dentist from America should get a fucking medal in my book. Never mind a trophy."
Meanwhile all over the non lion infested world the twitter mob continues to rage.
"I think that bloke wots a dentist from America should be ran over with a combine harvester, fed through a shredder then fed to his wife and KIDS!?"
Said 23 year old annoying, middle class ,peace, love and wildlife activist Ginny Featheringnest- Hadley of Buckingham shire. Inflecting up at the end of every fucking hate filled sentence like she was asking a question, she chuntered on...
"I don't really know anything about this MAN!? Except that he's cruel, evil, and deserves to DIE!? But there's no excuse to shoot anything YEAH!? Except that bloke wots a dentist coz he's a CUNT!?"
Her overbearing and wealthy mother chimed in..
"We hunt foxes and pheasants in our part of the world like decent civilised people. You don't catch us hunting defenceless lions. It's a scandal and a disgrace."
Labour party MP Penny Useless (41) added her thruppenies worth.
"I know fuck all about leopards or hunting or even Africa, but this so called "dentist" should be struck off. Or whatever it is they do to dentists."
The said dentist was unavailable for comment as he and his entire family have retreated to a nuclear bunker in Texas until some cunt kills a tiger and takes the heat off him.