Saturday, 11 February 2017

Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!

Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday

From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus

SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.

Nicola Sturgeon looks 65

NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.

Tuesday, 6 December 2016


                                  Fourth Reich Promotions

                David Irving
                    + Support


                                       Nordic Thunder

                                                    Jim Davidson

                                                   Nick Griffin  cancelled

See David perform a selection of his greatest hits live including old favourites such as...

            "Holocaust? What Holocaust?"

                   "6 Million Mein Arsch"

         " Hitler, Goering, and Himmler were all at   a stag do in Ibiza at the time"                                             

                Don't miss the brand new numbers..

          "Ok, there might have been a few accidents at Auschwitz."

                              "Geez a Job"

...........and the very touching.. 

              "any chance of a tenner gov?"

         Glasgow  19th December


Friday, 26 February 2016

SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts

Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Music Business " Chuffed to Fuck" About Bowie


The music industry where said to be chuffed to fuck yesterday about the death of David Bowie. The shock demise of the switch hitting songster comes hard on the heels of the recent croaking of Mortarhead front man Lenny Kravitz.

"We're Chuffed to Fuck to hear the sad news about David Bowie as this means the entire business can go into overdrive selling loads of shit. What with it being on the heels of that other bloke what died of an extremely opportune cancer of the arsehole or something. All we need now is that cunt MacCartney to shuffle off for the treble." Said silly hairdoed impressario and celebrity shitehouse Simon Cowell. While on the phone to his agent, trying to get photo ops of himself greetin' while staring wistfully at a copy of Diamond Dogs.

"This is terrible news." Chimed in Toby Shortbread the Manager of HMV on Princes St Edinburgh.
"We just got the front of shop all Motorheady with books CDs , DVDs , mugs, T-shirts , posters and other worthless shite that's been clogging up our storeroom for ages. Now we will have to clear some of that away and Get our Bowie shit together. On the bright side it's good for the tills as we usually sell fuck all after Christmas. This gives me a great chance to offload all those Blue ray DVDs of Labyrinth that I've been stuck with. They'll fucking fly out the door at a decent mark up."

Regular Satire rent a quote Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead was out shopping in The Forge when this reporter caught up with her and her six weans.

"I'm just here tae spend ma Christmas vouchers wi the weeans so am ur. I was definitely gonnae buy Munterhead's Space of Aids fur ma da so a wis. Then a saw that Munterhead made a load of other songs and even albums and got confused. Then a found oot that Bowwowwow were pan breed as well. It gave me a quandry, so a just boat Now That's What I Call An Atrocity vol 169."

BBC Radio Scotland's Vic Galloway was unsurprisingly upbeat.
"We were all ready to play a load of Motorhead stuff selected for the programme by the members of Frightened Rabbit, Camera Obscura and Chvrches. But theyd never heard anything other than Ace of Spades. So it was quite a relief When Mr. David Bowie esquire bit the dust. Fuck that Heavy Metal Pish."

His Radio Scotland colleague Billy Droan added.
" I'm extremely saddened to hear of the death of my good mate David Bowie. Especially after the sudden death of my bestest great pal Lenny Bruce of Monster Magnet. Now here's a track from U2."

Stockbridge rent a quote for all things muso Olaf Furniss, summed things up nicely when he oppined.
"This is tragic. I'd even say it's Pish yeah. I'm on holiday in Mexico and thought I'd nowt better to do than drink mojitos, eat veggie tacos and sun ma Peely Wally self. Now I'm going to have to knock out at least 500 words a piece to The Scotsman and The Skinny.
Inconsiderate cunts!!"

David Bowfy was 69

Thursday, 30 July 2015

FUCK CECIL!!! Says Wally the Wildebeest

Wally wary of "Cunting Lions."
The remains of Wally's mate Willy after Cecil fancied a snack.


A wildebeest called Wally has contacted The Satire's African correspondent Chaka Mingelele to tell him he's "not giving a flying monkey's" about Cecil the Lion.
"I don't give a flying monkey's about that cunting lion or any other one for that matter. Fuck Cecil, and all his mates".
Fumed the 8 year old bovid from his bush hideout in Wankie(yes we know it's been changed to Hwange, but our correspondent assures us "it's still wankie.") game reserve in Zimbabwe. He continued...
"These crusty trustafarian cunts should walk a mile in my fucking hooves every day and see how much they think lions are cute and cuddly, and deserve not to be blasted through the brain with an elephant gun. Only the other day my mate Willy (see picture above) was standing chewing the cud and minding his own business, when that hirsute prick Cecil jumped on him and tore him to ribbons. I'm glad it took 40 hrs for the arsehole to die. I'm not speciesist or anything, but I think lions are cunts. That bloke wots a dentist from America should get a fucking medal in my book. Never mind a trophy."
Meanwhile all over the non lion infested world the twitter mob continues to rage.
"I think that bloke wots a dentist from America should be ran over with a combine harvester, fed through a shredder then fed to his wife and KIDS!?"
Said 23 year old annoying, middle class ,peace, love and wildlife activist Ginny Featheringnest- Hadley of Buckingham shire. Inflecting up at the end of every fucking hate filled sentence like she was asking a question, she chuntered on...
"I don't really know anything about this MAN!? Except that he's cruel, evil, and deserves to DIE!? But there's no excuse to shoot anything YEAH!? Except that bloke wots a dentist coz he's a CUNT!?"
Her overbearing and wealthy mother chimed in..
"We hunt foxes and pheasants in our part of the world like decent civilised people. You don't catch us hunting defenceless lions. It's a scandal and a disgrace."
Labour party MP Penny Useless (41) added her thruppenies worth.
"I know fuck all about leopards or hunting or even Africa, but this so called "dentist" should be struck off. Or whatever it is they do to dentists."
The said dentist was unavailable for comment as he and his entire family have retreated to a nuclear bunker in Texas until some cunt kills a tiger and takes the heat off him.

Friday, 17 July 2015

New MP Reveals Ambition to be a Signpost

Miss Black practising being a No Entry sign

Britain's youngest MP since Pitt the foetus has both shocked and delighted parliament by announcing a long held ambition to be a "Signpost". 

Mhairi Black, who represents Paisley and Renfrewshire South, broke the news of her shock career change of plans in her maiden speech in the house yesterday to rapturous and unnecessary applause.

Miss Black, who trounced previous Labour incumbent and pigeon impersonator Douglas Alexander at the last General Election, has not yet decided what kind of signpost she wants to be. Although an SNP insider has revealed that it will most probably be a Keep Left sign.

Mhairi is not the only SNP politician with a desire to be an inanimate object. Alex Salmond revealed recently that he longed to be a urinal in the European parliament and Nicola Sturgeon dreams of being a doormat in the same building.

The people of Paisley are still reeling from Mhairi's staggering Election result.

"Hof of us didnae even realise there wis an election oan." Said 90 year old Agnes MacTights of Ferguslie Park. "The other hof thought she wis Mary Black the folk singer,"

Mhairi Black is finishing her homework.

Sunday, 15 February 2015

The Satire Backs "Awareness" Awareness the New "Awareness" Campaign

A small selection of the mind boggling array of awareness ribbons

Your favourite on line news source, The super soar away Satire, today launches it's very own self righteous awareness campaign.

Forever socially conscious, The Satire has waded in to the justice war with a blistering attack on the complete lack of awareness in today's selfish me me me society. Clearly the legacy of the Evil Mrs. Thatcher who has been pan breed for almost two years, out of office for twenty five and completely irrelevant for fifteen.

"The total absence of any sense of awareness in our modern Britain is the biggest cause of all our misery."
Claimed Satire Editor in Chief, shameless bandwagon jumper and self publicist Tom Laird.

"Consider the tragic case of regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen MacGlinchy(21)of Parkhead, who recently stuck her hand in a toaster and switched it on, apparently un "aware" that it would result in third degree burns to her fingers. The subsequent lawsuit against Scotia Appliances resulted in a massive payout, that caused the fledgling firm to dissolve into bankruptcy with the loss of 150 jobs.

Or that of Mrs. Ina MacHag(75) of Stockbridge who regularly blethers shite to the exasperated teller in the local Post Office blissfully un "aware" that a massive queue is forming out the door and up the main street.
Then there's the pitiful example of Trinny FForbes-Fuckwit(30) of Comely Bank who leaves her Golden Retriever, Poppy, tied to a bin outside Waitrose to bark incessantly while she dithers around inside over the pilau rice or couscous dilemma.

Ultimately there was the tragic case of Mr William Beveridge (Deceased) who recommended a welfare system, naively un "aware" that it would result in an entire sub class of bone idle arseholes  with dubious dress sense but a massive sense of entitlement.This has to stop."

The new awareness campaign will consist of wearing no ribbon or rubber bangle whatsoever. Forcing the smug, self righteous and fashion conscious to question ones moral standing. Thus enabling one to retort in an equally smug, self righteous and condescending manner about the new campaign. As an added bonus, due to running out of ribbon and bangle colours and combos, the "Awareness" awareness campaign will share it's platform with Flatulence Concern, Patently Obvious and Expected Adult Death Syndrome, Hemorrhoids Aid and Sexually Frustrated Teenage Laddie Relief.

The aforementioned Ms. MacGlinchy opined...

"Am a bit disappointed wi the new campaign. I like ribbons an bangles. Av goat hunners so a huv. A don't really know what they are a' fur but they go wi ma shoes an handbags."

Ms. MacGlinchy is pregnant again.