Modern Police Force - Raymond Mearns Des Clarke

Obama Wins X Factor Bombshell!

Every cunt and his dog, including The US President, and Bo were completely bamboozled to discover that the leader of the free world was this years X Factor Winner.

"I'm completely Obamaboozled by this", said the White House's 44th incumbent before an equally flummoxed press corps. "For the life of me I can't even remember taking part. Nevertheless I accept the award on behalf of myself and the American people and pledge to continue winning prizes for competitions that I have not entered. God Bless Amnesia."

Asked how the fuck this could have happened by the rest of the X Factor's over confident egotistical twats, creator and host Simon Cowell explained." We realise that Mr. Obama can't sing, dance or stick a weird object up his cock, and fully appreciate the actuality he didn't get to the final or even enter or take part in any way. But the fact remains he is just the kind of guy who would win it if he had any talent or was in any way inclined towards doing any of those things. He has all the right ingredients. He is dynamic, black, confident, black, a Democrat, black and of course to top it all off he's black. Anyway have you seen his stand up comedy? It's better than Lenny Henry any day."

A spokesman for the republican party Rep. Dwight D.Donaldson III, hit out. " This is horse shit. He never even auditioned for the damn show for criminy's sakes. How could he possibly have the balls to stand up there and take the credit. Next thing you know they'll award him the Nobel Peace prize for sending 40'000 extra troops to Afghanistan."

Mr. Obama was unavailable for further comment as he was accepting the Nobel prize for Chutzpah.

Edinburgh Man Opens Chain of Cheap Turban Shops In Punjab

(Above Left: How some American fuckwits might look. Right: The Ubiquitous Hardeep Singh Kohli Lectures on the evils of cheap turbans)

From Our Fashion Correspondent: Chandar Moghuls

A Leith Man and his entire family have enraged locals in India by opening a chain of cheap and nasty turban shops all over the fucking place.

Sir Tom MacFermer(51) who made his fortune selling Magic Trees and furry dice at extortionate prices decided to make the move after spotting a golden opportunity in the former Jewel in the Crown of the British Empire. 

" I flew over there in my private Boeing 747 for a conference of 2,000 other Billionaires on Climate Change. While I stayed at the Hilton Hotel I couldn't help noticing that a lot , if not most of  the local men outside were wearing funny rags on there head. A bit like what you see in Pollockshields, and Birmingham and that. Someone told me they were called Turbans. I couldn't believe that these guys had all just come out of the shower at the same instant. Then I was told that they wear them all the time, just like that annoying cunt who's never off the telly.I had to laugh. Then I realised a golden business opportunity to make a few bob selling them."

Sir Tom opened his first Shop in the center of the Punjab capital Chandigarh In  February 2006.  Six months later he opened another one two doors down, within the next year he had six just round the corner and by the end of 2008 had 157 within a quarter mile radius of each other. The shops are characterised by their poor quality products, the intensely loud cheesy bhangra music that blasts out from huge crackly speakers at the front and their stereotypically dressed staff. Prompting complaints from concerned locals and traditional retailers alike.

" One of the things that really gets my goats is a particularly idiotic piece of Punjabi Kitsch known as the 'See you Rani turban.' Moaned Ram Patel. The 91 year old owner of a traditional outfitters based in Chandigarh for 300 years. " The bloody thing even has a false chin strap like beard attached to it. The tourists think it's hilarious,especially American fuckwits, and all go around doing Peter Sellers impressions. They sell like fuck so I had to get in on it as well. Though that bastard MacFermer buys them in bulk from China so can sell cheaper. My Turbans are all made traditionally by local 9 year olds. It's a cunt. He's ruining it for everyone."

But Sir Tom blasted back." Look these guys have been ripping people off for years and filling their pockets. I have brought hilarious tasteless tacky buffoonery within the reach of the ordinary punter. What's wrong wi' that? I think they should get a sense of humour. Peter Sellers was a very funny man who made Sikhs a sidesplitting figure of fun the world over. Get over it."

Support for the locals has come from Sir Tom's home country however. The latest to throw his turban into the fray is none other than Hardeep Singh Kohli(37). A man who knows a thing or two about exploiting  a cultural icon. Speaking unexclusively to The Satire he pontificated. " I was brought up in the mean streets of  Glasgow where my parents scraped enough money to buy several properties, and send me and my brother to the tough St. Aloysius(150). Where boys were forced to participate in Polo, Lacrosse and debating societies. Later they sent me to Cambridge where I experienced racism when people kept asking me if I wanted curry when they invited me to dinner parties. I'm from Glasgow. So OK, I don't like tatties and mince and I do like curry, but that's hardly the point. What was the question?"

Mr Kohli then baffled everyone by being omnipresent and knowing very little about turbans.

       

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe

         ( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!) 

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.

The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old. 

Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:

• Regularly having sex(mainly boys). 
• Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
• Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
• Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
• Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
• Going to get their room tidied up.

A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland. 

John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.

Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.

The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.

First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."

The Bullshit continues.

Actor Everyone Thought Was Dead Apologises

 (Sir David John White OBE: Very, very sorry  and bad at  joke telling. You Plonker!!)

An Actor that everyone was convinced had popped his clogs years ago has publicly apologised for telling a joke.

The 69 year old thesp, Sir David John White OBE, aka David Jason, aka Danger Mouse was best known previously for the so called funniest moment in British comedy. The Infamous Del Boy falls over at the bar scene. A scene so hilarious that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital with a suspected ruptured farting string after seeing it.

Now the joke seems to be on the ageing star after he told a bad joke to a bloke called Christian O'Connell who apparently has a Radio Show. Quoth Sir David. "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant....? Mahatma Coat." The joke was immediately pulled from the broadcast but then placed on the podcast, presumably as it would become less bad if they done that. Millions of people from all over the world, none of whom were Pakistani as they were busy avoiding death by terrorism, then rang in to complain. 

Speaking from his Castle in Nuremberg Del Boy gave the following apology: "I am deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Of course now I realise that the the guy in the joke was supposed to be Indian not Pakastani, I offer my sincere apologies to Pakistanis, Indians and fans of Christmas cracker type jokes alike. It completely ruined the punchline and I regret that. Whaaat a Plonker!" At that he solemnly turned and fell over at the bar.

Former comedian and fat racist,  Bernard Manning was the first to condemn the Joke from beyond the grave. Speaking  through camp scouse fuck wit medium Derek Acorah, he told The Satire ." While I was alive and doing comedy at the Embassy Club I told fookin' loads of gags about Pakistanis. Now I'm up in heaven I realise I was wrong. Seventeen of the cunts live next door to me up here and they are fantastic. David Jason? What a fookin ham. Any cunt knows it's supposed to be an Indian bloke in that gag. Making him Pakistani is not funny, and out of date, hahahahaha...." he tailed off.

King of nostalgic comedy, and star of Countdown's Dictionary Corner, Richard Digance said. " I think that's a horrible joke. Here's one. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant? A very nice man and a damn good bloke who works bloody hard."

Up and down the streets of Britain people spoke out in condemnation. "Am absolutely shocked so am ur!" Gasped regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen McGlinchie of Parkhead. "I thought he was pan bread years ago."

Recently unemployed Frankie Douglas from Partick fumed at the outrage. " When I saw that Del Boy sketch the first time I pissed myself so much my bladder exploded out my cock like driver's airbag. The Wife was laughing so long and loud I had to punch her into a coma to get her to stop. Now that I know he is a vile racist, I will no longer be sitting for hours in bars in Spanish tourist traps, watching endless repeats of the show."

Ophelia Cuntington-Smythe(36) speaking from her cottage in the Cotswolds nowhere near any black or Asian people commented. "I think immigrants get a hard enough time without this. I have a Philippino maid, an Albanian gardener and a lovely Polish lad who comes to clean my pipes. All three of them work for peanuts. It's Divine. I think more immigrants should come here, as I have loads of dog shit from my poodles I need cleaned up. Come one, come all I say. Especially as they can't afford to live round here."

Christian O'Connell was available for comment all day, but we couldn't be arsed talking to him.

Campaign To Bring Back Ducking Stool Underway

(Left:The Ducking stool put to use on Common Scold)

(Right: Mr Drial heavily disguised)

An Edinburgh Man is campaigning for the return of The Ducking Stool.

Tom Drial(42),who counts John Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women as one of his favourite holiday reads. Has been lobbying his MP, MSP and The Scottish Parliament for the reimplementation of the device for 5 years now."Let's be clear. We done away with this thing hundreds of years ago and where has it gotten us? Loose Women, that's where. The afternoon TV show I mean. Not the other kind. I'm rather partial to them." Mr. Drial, who's toilet seat is nailed permanently in an upright position, told The Satire! " It may seem cruel and antiquated but those are only two of the advantages. As well as being a punishment it can provide great mirth and delight to countless stressed out men. Fit looking birds could also be made to wear a thin white T-shirt that would go see through when she is ducked. It really is multi faceted. 

Tom Drial who looks uncannily like The Editor of an online satirical magazine is to stranger to controversey. Only last month he was awarded the freedom of the City of Riyadh by King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz for "Services to Manfulness". Only to have it rescinded two weeks later when it was discovered Drial had driven a bulldozer through a felafel shop in support of Israel's invasion of Lebanon. Embarrassingly for Drial and the Israelis it later transpired the shop was not even run by Arabs. Drial sent a letter of apology to King Abdullah explaining he'd been "pished oot his nut" at the time. This only enraged the King even further and a fatwa was issued. The Mossad are also on his case. Lothian and Borders Police put a round the clock watch on Tom but he pissed them off by constantly referring to two WPCs as "love", refusing to take the nails out the toilet seat and regularly demanding that they make him cups of tea while trying to get in their pants. The team pulled out.

Mr Drial has also compiled a list of crimes for which the ducking stool could be used along with appropriate punishments. The List includes:

• Common Scoldery:                                                             Three Ducks of 1 minute each.
• Fishwivery:                                                                     One Duck            1 min
• Meddlesome Ratbaggery:                                               Three                    1 min
• Burning my dinner:                                                         Four                     2 min
• Gasbaggery:                                                                   Two                      1 min
• Buying me the wrong present for my birthday when I've banged on for a Bastard year about that putter I wanted:

Drownded, revived by being slapped in the face with said John Knox masterpiece then drownded again.

We at The Satire put it to Mr. Drial, who is surprisingly single, that he was being slightly misogynistic what with this being modern times but he chuckled and disagreed. " Not at all, I'm a big softcock really. I always hold in my farts in bed with a woman and whenever a household appliance breaks down I always get her a new one."

The scheduled march through the streets of Edinburgh by thousands of supporters was canceled today when their wives wouldn't let them go.
         

"Ship Not Sinking!"Says Sinking Ship's Captain.

(Left: "No more sink or swim". Captain Brown.)  (Above Right: SS.Britainic apparently NOT sinking)

From our Maritime correspondent: Vice Rear Admirer. Carlton Mingles-Mingles SOS.

Despite hundreds of large rodents pouring overboard, amid screams of terror and mass panic, a brave ship's Captain has steadfastly assured all on the board(surely 'on board'. Ed.) that there was no need for alarm.

Captain Gordon Brown of the SS. Britainic made the appeal to both passengers and crew yesterday after the ship run aground off the coast of North West Europe. Despite dire warnings from other shipping in the region The SS. Britainic collided with a notoriously treacherous maritime hazard The Northern Rock. The Bilge immediately started overflowing and  began to flood the lower classes(surely compartments.Ed) and the ship listed dangerously to the left causing many to panic and head for the Life Savings Bonds(Boats!! You're fired! Ed.). Distress flares were fired and an SOS sent out but the USS. America was in similar difficulties and unable to respond.

Cometh the hour though, cometh the man and Captain Brown stepped up heroically to the mark. " No-one could have foreseen this massive ruddy great obstacle sticking out of the water. Unless of course they were able to utilise some sort of rudimentary bifocal seeing device. However now that this terrible tragedy has befallen you all. Let's not get carried away. Despite the fact that the ship is disappearing below the surface at a rapid rate of knots, and people and pieces of furniture are sliding past you. Take heart. Even now, very now, The Purser Mr. Darling is frantically re-arranging the deck chairs and our entertainments officer Mr Balls is currently organising a game of quoits for the pensioners. This ship is most certainly not blubble blubble glurg..." He gasped as the ship's band bravely played ' Things can only get better' the ship's anthem.

Heavy criticism came from Captain Vince Cable of the SS.Libdem however. Only a mile away from the disaster at the time. "For mile after nautical mile I pleaded with Captain Brown over the airwaves to change course and not crash his vessel into a bloody big stone. He simply called me a nervous Nelly and cackled insanely into the radio."

HM Coast Guard were unavailable for comment as they were all signing on the dole.