Monday 29 December 2014

Scottish Feminists Appoint Parrot as Spokesperson

Ms MacCaw posing for the press yesterday



Scottish Feminist group SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things)announced the controversial appointment of their new spokesperson yesterday. An Amazon Blue parrot.

Ms. Davina MacCaw (49) takes over from previous spokesperson Trisha MacFrigid(fuck off or al stab ye), after she got a good bunneting from a Masai warrior on a recent charity climb of Kilimanjaro in aid of tit cancer, and married him. Mrs. Kisioki, as she is now known, was unavailable for comment, as she is not allowed to speak for her first year as junior wife and was busy getting circumcised.
Ms. MacCaw made her first statement to assembled journalists at noon today and immediately confounded her detractors. Talking from a perch outside Hollyrood..
"Squaaawk screeeetch squaaawwwk." Began Ms. MacCaw to gasps of amazement. She continued eloquently.. "Screeetch..patriarchy....squaaawk rape culture.... screech.. domestic violence.. screech screech male privilege. (Flap flap) Squaaaaawwwwwk wage gap."
Rapturous applause erupted as the parrot stopped squawking and nibbled a cuttlefish. Many women present burst into tears.
"That was the most articulate and emotionally charged presentation of feminist theory I have ever heard. Sobbed Xena MacHarridan(still NOYFB) leader of the women's group. We have certainly made an intelligent choice in Davina."
Women's issues chunterer onner Kaye Adams(52, yes fucksakes she looks older) chimed in..
" I couldn't have made those points better myself. Mair screeching and squawking are what's needed in any discourse about gender issues. Amazon Blue. How apt."
SWAMT did not have it all it's own way. Our very own Tom Laird asked the parrot to justify some of it's comments.
"Could Ms. MacCaw explain why she is still pedalling the wage gap myth that has been so thoroughly and repeatedly debunked, and don't men experience domestic violence?" He asked smugly.
The smug look disappeared however when the parrot merely repeated the same points over and over again. Only louder and with more screeching and squawking. 
The gathered feminists orgasm ed simultaneously as our man could only look on exasperated. 





Satirical Genius "F#*ked for Ideas"

Just look at him....... Fucking devoid

Satire Editor in Chief and self proclaimed satirical wunderkind Tom Laird, confessed privately to "Not having the foggiest scooby" about what his next article was going to be about.

The 47 year old dead beat told himself in the mirror, after waking up from a four day drinking binge that would have shamed Oliver Reid, "Laird you are fucking dead loss and a waste of rations."
He proceeded to gibber on..
"Look ya beardy fuckwit. It's nearly 2015 and your contribution to the world of on line humour is a grand total of four, yeah that's right, you heard, FOUR poxy articles. Hardly P.J O'Rourke or Richard Ingrams are you ya dick?"
Punching himself in the face several times he then slavered..
"Yeah I know all about your 'ideas'. We've all got ideas. How about getting them off of bits of bus ticket, post it notes, beer mats and sweety papers and actually onto your blog ya knob? LOOK!! look at this. 'David Cameron to Introduce Duck Insurance' I mean WTF!? Or this here.. 'Ian Paisley to Give Up Bellowing For Lent' .By fuck has that bus left. The man's deid two years for fucksakes. Sort yourself out."
Emerging haggard, bruised and gaunt from the 46 minute berating Mr. Laird announced..
"I can exclusively reveal that my genius will return shortly. There's a new hilarious article formulating as I speak. Fuck knows what it's going to be about. Probably feminism again. That's easy."

All Mr. Lairds fan (27) was unimpressed