Sunday, 29 March 2009

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe


         ( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!) 

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.
The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old. 
Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:
  • Regularly having sex(mainly boys). 
  • Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
  • Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
  • Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
  • Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
  • Going to get their room tidied up.
A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland. 
John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.
Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.
The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.
First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."
The Bullshit continues.

8 comments:

nursemyra said...

Polly Playnwasp has a soft heart

Tom Laird said...

And head.

nursemyra said...

I misread that.... I thought you wrote "and gives head"....

Tom Laird said...

Mmmm No. If only.

Just your imagination running wild naughty nurse.

Thumper Plowman said...

Tom, I wish I could be so optimistic about the youth of today's bullshitting capabilities, but I have my doubts.

For instance, recently I found myself in the company of a bunch of Scotch teenagers after I volunteered to be a judge at the high school swimming gala. Naturally, I told my story about how as a lad I once had a trial for Rangers but didn't get picked because the other boy in my position was someone called Barry Ferguson. Now, I expected this to provoke one of them to tell us how their elder brother has a mate who's a roadie for U2. But no, they just shook their heads and sniggered.

With laziness like that how are we going to be competitive in the future?

Tom Laird said...

Thumper,

it obviously wasn't controversial enough.
Any Journo's present?

Thumper Plowman said...

I don't know, don't they normally wear hats with a "Press" card in them and carry notebooks around? I din't see any of them.

I did however, spot two ex-members of the Bay City Rollers and a couple of Blue Peter Presenters.

nursemyra said...

time for another post?