Thursday, 31 July 2008

Church Of Scotland Minister Slammed For Using The 'G' Word

(Pictured: The controversial cleric relaxes at his Morningside home)

A Church of Scotland minister was today suspended after rashly using the 'G' word in one of his weekly sermons.

The Minister, Reverend Michael Meekie of Kirkcaldy Parish Church used the term casually in his regular themed Sunday sermon on 'Doing unto others ...'

A senior spokesman for the Church told us, ' I don't know what Meekie was thinking. It's okay to refer to god indirectly of course and in private. There's no way round that one, unfortunately.

'But we never use the term directly, if we can help it, and certainly never in church! The punters would run like blazes. We prefer instead to let them think it's all about the cakes, the jumble sales and shite newsletters.

'If they thought for a second that G.O.D had anything to do with it they'd flee like rats, and we'd all be fucked. I need this job. there's bugger all else I'm qualified for. Leave the religion to the Catholics, that's what I say'

ill-informed commentators, attempting to take their minds of their own miserable lives, immediately began calling for Mr Meekie's resignation and public execution. Whilst members of his parish were quickly seen to rally round and had this evening gathered outside his Morningside home to openly burn effigies of the obviously evil bearded heretic.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was quick to capitalise on the incident. ' I knew Meekie was scum,' he told us. ' The man's despicable masterplan has obviously been to bring down the country from within and his diabolical, hook-handed, medieval ways have almost brought this country to its knees with bankruptcy. Thankfully, now that he is in chains, we can go forward into the bright future as one nation. Five more years!'

He was then led away by his nurse.

Mr Meekie is said to be considering his position and was today unavailable for comment.

Roslin Institute Set To Begin Salmond Farming At Loch Fyne

(Pictured: A Commercial Salmond Pen. And an earlier attempt gone wrong.)

The World Famous Roslin Institute is to begin commercial Salmond farming in Argyle a top Boffin announced yesterday.

The Institute also amusingly known as "The Royal (Dick)School of Veterinary Studies based at the University of Edinburgh ,announced the ambitious plans at a press conference yesterday afternoon.
Roslin Institute famous for cloning Dolly the sheep claimed the project would be a roaring international success story. According to the institutes chief egghead Prof. Donald McKillop
"The demand for Salmond on the International market has risen exponentially over the last 2 years and in order to keep up with that demand we have to farm Salmond intensively."
There seems to be no doubt Salmond is a highly popular dish both here and abroad due to its good taste and resilience to adverse conditions. However The Institute came under heavy criticism from government bodies and the press alike when an earlier attempt to popularise Salmond resulted in impotency in the subject, and Salmond completely disappeared from the menu for years. Prof. McKillop conceded. "That was indeed a setback but despite the criticism we got it right this time. Salmond is very definitely here to stay.
Others are not so convinced. A spokesman for the Brown Party said
" We oppose the intensive farming of Salmond, we acknowledge that it is a popular creature and cant help admire its vitality, demonstrated by it's exuberant leaps and huge splashes. But it is also expensive and pretentious and we believe the novelty will soon wear off. You just can't go tinkering around playing God."
Despite the nay saying the popularity of wild Salmond continues to rise and Roslin claims it has the answer. " In A few years a Salmond will be at every table round the world" said the Professor, peering over the top of his glasses in a superior fashion. "You can't hold back scientific progress forever.
Despite the seeming success a similar project with the Sturgeon has been shelved indefinitely.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Spanish Plot Exposed!!

The Myth...Latin beauty The harsh reality......harridan

A Spanish conspiracy to Export all of their unattractive and unpleasant women to Scotland was sensationally uncovered by an amateur investigator in Edinburgh recently.

Tom Laird a sometime contributor to The Satire gave us this exclusive report yesterday. Speaking from an undisclosed location and heavily disguised as a drunken deadbeat Tom unfolded the results of his painstaking 3 year investigation into the shocking truth of Spain's spiteful covert war. " I have been to Spain, it's a very beautiful country and I know first hand that there are a plethora of gorgeous dark Latin lovelies there. " He said speaking slowly and deliberately, with a hint of regret and anger in his quivering, manly and attractive voice.

"But 3 years ago I started to become suspicious of the amount of sheer munters that seemed to be arriving from there in droves to haunt the highways and byways of our fair city. I thought to myself that there was no way this could be happening by accident. It had to be a conspiracy. I decided to investigate and was horrified by what I uncovered."

According to Laird there is conclusive and irrefutable circumstantial evidence that Spain is not only preventing congenial and good looking women from traveling abroad, but are deliberately encouraging all their specky bucktoothed harridans to move to Scotland.

"Oh it's an established fact" claimed Laird emphatically." There are at least three large government sponsored agencies involved in this outrage. They are based in Madrid, Barcelona and Bilbao. Women who express a desire to travel are rounded up and taken to these processing centers in trucks under the cover of darkness. There, any women who are remotely good natured, funny or sexy are weeded out.

They do this by showing them Nazi type propaganda films on the horrors of traveling abroad where they will be instantly raped and murdered on arrival. Then it gets really sinister. All the ugly and obnoxious ones are then immediately processed. This involves indoctrination in Stalinist neo feminism and issuing them a uniform consisting of a big thick unfashionable pair of specks, a horrible out sized green chunky knit sweater, a pair of manky jeans, and a pair of silly shoes that are very uncomfortable so as to make them even crabbier. Then they fuck about with their hair to make it extremely unkempt and dye it a terrible burgundy colour. Finally they are given money and a false boyfriend. Usually an emasculated beardy prick who likes The Beautiful South. Then they are flown directly to Edinburgh."

Amazingly Laird claims that all Spanish ports and airports are carefully monitored by a shadowy organisation known as La Policia d'espoilers who will prevent any unauthorised woman leaving the country. He is however unsure of Spain's motives.

" I know the what and where but not the why. I assume it could be revenge for the fact we send so many drunken arseholes over there....or it might be about Gibraltar. Who knows ..but you only have to look at that fucking monstrosity of a parliament they built at Holyrood to realise the cunts have definitely got it in for us."

The Spanish Embassy have ominously refused to comment.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Kilt Controversy

A row broke out at Grangemouth Sports and Leisure Complex on Saturday when a man was refused entry in a kilt.

Proud Scot Dougie Archibald fumed " I'm a true and proud Scot as you can see and I wear my kilt everywhere. I like nothing better than demonstrating my patriotism and love for my country by cheerfully and traditionally sliding down the flumes in The Plaid. It gives me a great thrill. I can't see why the fascists at the baths in Grangemouth have a problem. Rumour has it that the manager is English and that would explain a lot."

Gary Jones the Manager of the complex gave his side of the story. Speaking exclusively to The Satire he explained " look I'm not even English I'm Welsh. I'm married to a Scotch Lass and my kids are Scotch. This has nothing to do with racism and everything to do with a hairy arsed lout flagrantly getting his jollies by exposing his tackle to all and sundry. He's always at it. There are kids on those flumes for God's sakes."

Local SNP activist Donny McMurdo was unimpressed with that however and waded in.

" It's a well known fact that the Welsh are practically English, and that they fought against us at Bannockburn and Falkirk. They are obviously jealous of our proper parliament and our kilts and try to copy everything we do. I will be taking this to the European court of human rights. It's blatant racial discrimination.No wonder it's still legal to kill a Welshman in Chester."

Today Dougie Archibald remained defiant and vowed to continue sliding down the flumes with abandon.

" No sheepshagging druid troglodyte is going to stop me from exercising my democratic right to wear my national dress. He can piss off back to his own country and stop being racist."

A report is being sent to the Procurator Fiscal.

Credit Crunch Hits Street Vendors

Argyle St. was in uproar yesterday at the dismal news that Big Macaroon bars and the famed "last of the White Socks" would no longer be two for a pound now.

" It's a scandal" spat Mrs Ina McTights(21)struggling to contain her rage, "I'm a pensioner and have very few pleasures in life now that I can't afford batteries. If I cant even afford the odd big bar of Macaroon then whats the point? I would gas maself if I could afford the bill."

A disappointed Archie McFail(43) also vented his spleen. " I have to tuck my trackie bottoms into a pair of old fishing socks these days. They are green. It just looks daft. Thatcher has a lot to answer for."

Many vendors were reluctant to comment yesterday, but one Shugie Weasel agreed to speak to us.

" Look" said Mr. Weasel glancing furtively about. " I don't like it anymore than anyone else. I used to be able to shout 'two for a pound', now its two for £1.13 it just disnae work. It's events ma man. The price of breaking and entering these days is literally through the roof, an ye just cannae bribe truck drivers wi a couple of packets of fags anymare. Talkin aboot fags, are ye interested in 200 Marlboro lights?"

This is the first price rise in 30 years in the renowned Glasgow thoroughfare. A few people however actually welcomed the news.

"Thank Christ" said Frankie Douglas(40), an electrician from Partick. "Maybe they will all piss off. I mean how many pairs of socks can someone go through, an was there ever any real requirement for Big Macaroon bars?"

Number 10 downing street issued the following statement today.

" The Prime Minister and the New Labour government deplore this opportunistic rise in the price of street goods. Especially Big Macaroon bars that the PM was very fond of as he was always losing the wee ones down the back of the couch. This is the very kind of issue that Gordon Brown is committed to tackling, and indeed would if he could find his arse with both hands. We now call upon the press to leave us alone. It's not our fault."

Neither the public nor the vendors will take any comfort in that.

TV Historian to Wed Dead Scots Hero

Popular Scots TV Historian Louise Buxom shocked viewers last night by announcing she plans to marry the dead Scottish folk hero William Wallace.

Curvaceous Buxom (42) announced the intended nuptials at the end of her popular Scottish history show last night on satellite tv station BBC Scotia.

The comely Buxom is popular with viewers for her tales of brave kilted heroes, and for peppering the stories with her own particular brand of fruity innuendo.

And the bootylicious history buff is regularly heard to remark upon what a big strapping fellow Wallace must have been and how she'd ' ... love to cuddle up to his fine big bannocks on a cauld crofter's nicht!' etc.

Regular viewers were said to be shocked and amused in equal measure. Though to be fair, the ones we spoke to seemed both bored and disinterested in far higher proportions.

But alaying fears, the risque thick-set spinster cackled, ' I don't know whit all the fuss is aboot. Michty me, I've had the big laudie's cock in a jar on my dressing table for years. I bought it on ebay.

'This is just the logical next step in a healthy and loving modern relationship.' said the clearly unhinged and soon to be unemployed mad woman.

(Photo above: Buxom outside her Morningside home yesterday. Sponsored by ebay)

Scottish Man Sues Mother For Wanking Shame

A Fife man has taken his own mother to the European Court of Human Rights for the mental torture suffered during his youth.

The Cowdenbeath man who wishes to remain anonymous says he is traumatised by the fact that his mother must have known that he was wanking like a mechanical chimp all through his adolescence - and yet said nothing!

Speaking out for the first time, he told us yesterday, ' I didn't realise she'd even noticed until a friend pointed out she would have had to fold my sheets with a mallet. And would undoubtedly have found the grumble-encrusted knickers I stole off my next-door-neighbour's washing-line (lovingly hidden under my pillow) whenever she changed the sheets.'

' It never ever occured to me that, for all those years she must have known, until Fat Davie told me in the pub last week' he told us. 'I'm mortified.'

A member of the Mother's Association commented, ' What an arse. They're all like that in Cowdenbeath. Wankers. But this is a sensitive family issue and we would rather not comment further. ' She then burst out laughing and phoned all her friends.

A spokesman for The European Court Of Human Rights told us, ' This is utterly ridiculous and a total waste of time. I don't even need to take this one to court. The poor man! I can tell you right now, we'll be finding in his favour and offering considerable damages. His mother may even be guilty of Wank Crimes, although I might just have made that one up.'

He then banged that wooden thing on his desk, adjusted his wig comically like in the films and told an assembled crowd ' Case dismissed!'

(Photo above: The outraged neighbour yesterday)

Gordon Brewer Not Dead

The BBC is in mourning today at the shock news Gordon Brewer is still alive.

Tributes are pouring in from friends and colleagues said to be distraught by the news.

"We are distraught by the news" said an insider at Queen Margaret Drive who didn't want to be named for reasons of embarrassment. "We thought that Gordon was brown bread years ago but apparently and unbelievably he's still on Newsnight Scotland."

Brewers' family were last night being comforted by friends and relatives who rallied round, and were unavailable for comment. However a spokesman for the family said. "Please respect the fact that they are in grave shock as you can imagine. Realising that your loved one is not at all pushing up daisies is bad enough, but it's insult to injury to be made aware that he is still in fact presenting a shite regional news show. They just can't take it in."

The alarming fact that Brewer wasn't dead was discovered when John Mcwhirter(64) a night watchman from Largs, fell asleep during "Real Newsnight" and woke to find the presenter "wittering on about the plight of the fishing industry. I thought it was old footage from years ago, but imagine how aghast I was when Alex Salmond came on live from Holyrood talking about Gordon Brown making an arse of things and that." Mr McWhirter then phoned an incredulous BBC to break the news that Brewer had "done a Lazarus".

Gordon Brewers' colleagues at Real Newsnight gave touching tributes. Jeremy Paxman lamented "It is a sad day for British journalism. We all thought that Gordon had gone to a better place, but now it seems he is still in Glasgow rudely interrupting important and infinitely superior news coverage at inopportune moments to bring the people of Scotland embarrassing parochial trivia. " Mr Paxman then wept openly. Former Newsnight presenter Jeremy Vine Paid tribute to Gordon in a phone in on his Radio 2 show asking his listeners to phone in any newsworthy stories from around Scotland for Gordon to read out. " Try to be brief" he said. " And try and make it fuck all to do with fishing"

Unfortunately tonight's scheduled Newsnight Scotland will go on the air as usual.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Pishing Doon Festival Cancelled

(Photo above from the highly succesful 2007 festival)

By Entertainment Editor Davie Donaldson

Fans all over Scotland were today attempting to get their money back after Scotland's historic 'Pishing Doon' festival was cancelled due to excessive sunshine.

Concert organiser, Omar McDonald, told us, ' It's a disaster. We can usually guarantee that it'll be pishin doon for at least three weeks solid at this time of year. That's what the fans come for and that's what we promise. Twenty years we've been going now. I'm gutted ...'

Alex Salmond Accidentally Buys £20m Conservatory for Parliament

(Above left: An easily sourced picture of Alex Salmond looking like a smug cunt. Right: A drawing of a conservatory which looks absolutely nothing like the one the daft twat ordered)

Senior Ministers were black-affronted yesterday after Alex Salmond ordered a £20m conservatory extension for the back of the Scottish Parliament - after a double-glazing sales call was mistakenly put straight through to his office.

Aides immediately attempted to play down the incident commenting that Mr Salmond always prides himself on being available to his 'much-loved Scottish public' and was so swept along by the sales technique that he agreed to the £20m extension on the spot.

Sources close to the First Minister were quick to dismiss allegations that this throws doubt on his decision-making abilities and makes him look like a gullible twat.

This comes hot on the heels of last week's revelation that he recently paid a gang of drunk gypsies £200m to tarmac The Royal Mile.