Thursday, 26 March 2009

Actor Everyone Thought Was Dead Apologises

 (Sir David John White OBE: Very, very sorry  and bad at  joke telling. You Plonker!!)

An Actor that everyone was convinced had popped his clogs years ago has publicly apologised for telling a joke.
The 69 year old thesp, Sir David John White OBE, aka David Jason, aka Danger Mouse was best known previously for the so called funniest moment in British comedy. The Infamous Del Boy falls over at the bar scene. A scene so hilarious that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital with a suspected ruptured farting string after seeing it.
Now the joke seems to be on the ageing star after he told a bad joke to a bloke called Christian O'Connell who apparently has a Radio Show. Quoth Sir David. "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant....? Mahatma Coat." The joke was immediately pulled from the broadcast but then placed on the podcast, presumably as it would become less bad if they done that. Millions of people from all over the world, none of whom were Pakistani as they were busy avoiding death by terrorism, then rang in to complain. 
Speaking from his Castle in Nuremberg Del Boy gave the following apology: "I am deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Of course now I realise that the the guy in the joke was supposed to be Indian not Pakastani, I offer my sincere apologies to Pakistanis, Indians and fans of Christmas cracker type jokes alike. It completely ruined the punchline and I regret that. Whaaat a Plonker!" At that he solemnly turned and fell over at the bar.
Former comedian and fat racist,  Bernard Manning was the first to condemn the Joke from beyond the grave. Speaking  through camp scouse fuck wit medium Derek Acorah, he told The Satire ." While I was alive and doing comedy at the Embassy Club I told fookin' loads of gags about Pakistanis. Now I'm up in heaven I realise I was wrong. Seventeen of the cunts live next door to me up here and they are fantastic. David Jason? What a fookin ham. Any cunt knows it's supposed to be an Indian bloke in that gag. Making him Pakistani is not funny, and out of date, hahahahaha...." he tailed off.
King of nostalgic comedy, and star of Countdown's Dictionary Corner, Richard Digance said. " I think that's a horrible joke. Here's one. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant? A very nice man and a damn good bloke who works bloody hard."
Up and down the streets of Britain people spoke out in condemnation. "Am absolutely shocked so am ur!" Gasped regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen McGlinchie of Parkhead. "I thought he was pan bread years ago."
Recently unemployed Frankie Douglas from Partick fumed at the outrage. " When I saw that Del Boy sketch the first time I pissed myself so much my bladder exploded out my cock like driver's airbag. The Wife was laughing so long and loud I had to punch her into a coma to get her to stop. Now that I know he is a vile racist, I will no longer be sitting for hours in bars in Spanish tourist traps, watching endless repeats of the show."
Ophelia Cuntington-Smythe(36) speaking from her cottage in the Cotswolds nowhere near any black or Asian people commented. "I think immigrants get a hard enough time without this. I have a Philippino maid, an Albanian gardener and a lovely Polish lad who comes to clean my pipes. All three of them work for peanuts. It's Divine. I think more immigrants should come here, as I have loads of dog shit from my poodles I need cleaned up. Come one, come all I say. Especially as they can't afford to live round here."
Christian O'Connell was available for comment all day, but we couldn't be arsed talking to him.


Tom Laird said...

Come on reader,
Tell us what you think. Do you think Del Boy is a plonker who should be shot to death with bullets made of his own shite?
Or maybe you have your own pet hates when it comes to obscure sects, colours or creeds?
We here at The Satire favour taking the piss out of Armenian Christians, as they are harmless and not likely to strap explosives to themselves and blow us up.
But who really burns your toast black? Do the Irish get your McGinty's goat. Perhaps The Australians make you want to push the nuclear button. Could it possibly be that the Kalahari Bushmen of Africa get right on your tits. Let us know. Send us your favourite gag. The most offensive but funny,will be named and shamed with our coveted Jim Davidson Award and win a 2 week Race Relations course.
Come on Reader

Have a go if you think you're bad enough.

nursemyra said...

All I'm interested in is getting that Polish boy to come clean my pipes.....

Anonymous said...

Dear Mrs Nice Nurse,

I speak few English butI am seeing you wanting pipes cleaned. I make very nice job for you. In return I ask only that you do nice JOB for me and maybe help me stay Aystralia.I BIG boy. I very clean. I skilled. We make jiggy-jiggy no?
I see nice picture of you on website. You very sexy like my aunt.
Hubba Hubba!!

Send me ticket please. And naughty pictures.

Janeck Kowalski

London/ Krakow

nursemyra said...

I want to see your plumber's license first Janeck

Anonymous said...

Dear Sexy nursie,

Please look my license at

nursemyra said...

oh I think I'll pass that link on to my son - it's one for the gay boys not the nursie girls :-)

Anonymous said...

Beatiful nursie,
you make me crazy. Now you want to make fun.
Bad nurse.
Ok how good looking son?
I give you discount xxx.

Tom Laird said...

Tsk!! These Foreigners Nursie.

What you want is a nice Scotsman in a Kilt and not much else. xxx

Damn!! It's true. Immigrants do encourage competition. Grrrrr!