Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Welcome to Paedo-Filey!

The sleepy British seaside resort of Filey in North Yorkshire has shocked the surrounding towns and villages with the decision to re-name the town "PAEDO-FILEY - Home of the Paedophile!"

The name change is the latest work by cuntroversial conceptual artist Damien Hirst whose philosophy ('I am an an artist - therefore everything I do is art!)' meant that when local mayor Davie Donaldson approached Hirst for a work of art to raise the town's profile, Hirst came up with the clever idea of a re-branding.

"I'm not an artist myself so I can't say I fully understand the entire concept" said Mr Donaldson, "But it must be art. I mean, Mr Hirst says it is and he should know - he's an artist."

"The thing is, it's been great for putting Filey back on the map. People now drive for up to 600 miles to vandalise the sign, throw stones through residents windows and even shit on my dead mother's grave. But more than 40% of them then stop off for high tea or fish & chips on the seafront. And you can't argue with numbers like that."

Residents of nearby Illfracombe, who have this week installed a giant 600 feet statue of Jimmy Saville with his cock out were said to be livid.

" Bunch of smart-arse cunts" said local Illfracombe artist Charles Mingles. " I came up with the Jimmy Saville idea to get us in the papers and then these cunts pull this stunt out of the bag. I wish I'd thought of this."

"And another thing, I know for a fact that there are far more paedophiles in Illfracoombe than there are in Filey. I know at least a dozen personally. So I find their claim to be 'The HOME of the Paedophile' spurious at best."

"In fact I'm thinking of taking the whole thing to the European Court of Human Rights. Let's get the police going through the hard-drives and we'll see just who can deliver the numbers!"

Mr Mingles' bloodied and beaten body was found hanging from the 'Welcome to Illfracombe' sign yesterday morning.

Tourist figures are already up 80%.

Paedo-Filey mayor Davie Donaldson told us, "This latest piece of nonsense with Mingles' body hanging from the town sign has already started to eat into our numbers.Thank God they never had the idea to drape his corpse over Sir Jimmy's erect cock, that would surely have finished us off!"

Mr Donaldson denied rumours that he was now considering commissioning a nude 600 ft statue of the Hairy Cornflake, Dave Lee 'Quack Quack Oops' Travis. "No, we will definitely not be considering that option. I mean, there have to be standards you know."


Anonymous said...

I find this article deeply offensive and in very poor taste. Some of us are good community-minded,socially-responsible tireless campaigners aginst this sort of thing and I resent reading such filth.

Radovan Karadžić
c/o The Haig

Anonymous said...

I agree with Mr. Karavan in the previous letter. I find this sort of thing arousi... I mean disgusting. Keep up the good work

Jonathan King

HMP Maidstone

Anonymous said...

Dear Sirs,

I hope you are proud of yourselves. Yes, It's very easy to poke fun at this sort of thing isn't it. What you don't realise is that in the current climate (excuse the pun) the British tourist industry needs every bit of help it can get if we don't want everyone buggering off to Thailand instead of buggering in Bognor. So rebranding our great British resorts can only help.

Yours Defiant

Lady Matilda Blyth

Lord Mayor