Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Kay's Bar In Reasonably Priced Booze Shock!!!

(Above: JF fellates the pump in a vain attempt to solicit a tip from a gay millionaire )

The Revelation that a popular New Town Bar is to start selling affordable booze has caused outrage among at least six people.
"This is an outrage" Bellowed multi millionaire insider trader and former guest of Her Majesty,Major(Rtd)Rupert Morningside-Bently. "Before you know it the place will be full of rum types. Drinking lager, wearing overalls and farting while they sing poor quality soccer chants. Instead of decent well bred types in chords and brogues, farting along in unison to raucous and stout hearted rugger songs. I don't come here to sip a pink gin and trawl the personal columns of The Telegraph, so that my Spaniels can rub shoulders with the great unwashed. It's political 'what have you' gone mad. "DAAaaamnation!!" He roared, brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse&Hounds magazine and tripping over a black Labrador.
The Satire put the Majors point of view to a gentleman behind the bar who appeared to have just completed a triathlon wearing a shirt, tie and apron. Identifying himself only as "Jeff" and speaking for some bizarre reason in a comedy Allo Allo accent he told us .."Mon Dieu! Zut Alors! Fucksakes even! Eef zey don't like eet zey can fuck off. In fact what's eet to you? You can fuck off as well and take zees fucking Poodle with you. I have been tripping over the bastard all day."
Scottish Justice Minister, Commie killjoy and puritanical arsehole Kenny MacAskill was similarly upset. Speaking from his mansion and glugging Chateau Lafite 1787 he slurred. "We just can't have thish kind of behaviour. Before you know it we'd be letting dangerous terrorists out the jail."
Some found themselves disagreeing with the Major. German dissident, Big Yin/ Sammy Hagar Impersonator and regular drinker, Graf Olaf Von Furniss for example. Standing on the head of a Pekingese he ventured. "I disagree with that cunt yeah. I think it's a top Idea. Not only can I wash down an unfeasible amount of nuts with an affordable pint, but Glenrothes Whiskey is blindingly cheap to. Can I just add that Scotmid are total arseholes". Asked about what his Grandfather did during the war he coughed and claimed he'd been "on urlaub in Ibiza" at the time. Then made a sharp exit.
The news is a welcome breath of fresh air for this online Editor. I normally would have to save up my giros for weeks to have a drink in Kay's. Now I can mix with the upper crust boldly. After all if it wasn't for cunts like them. Cunts like me wouldn't have any houses to burgle. So here's to them."
Last word on the matter goes to the hitherto bellicose Major. "Well it's a sign of the times." He sighed philosophically. "I suppose you need somewhere to keep the riffraff out of The Canny Man's."
Graf Olaf Von Furniss is 103 apparently. (Hilarious.....isn't it.)


Anonymous said...

Dear Satire,
I object to your unfair portrayal of my Dear friend Kenny MacAskill. He's a fuckin great bloke so there.
Insh Allah

A.B Al Magraghee


PS. Does that cunt James still work in Kays?

Anonymous said...

Dear sir,

I believe you have misquoted "Jeff" he said "haw he haw he ya cunt"

£2.50 pints are a fucking disgrace!!! I mean what is going on? Some stupid promotion! Ruining the reputation that DWl Mackenzie has spent years building up!

Yours not sincerely

Posh poshington 19 India street.

Anonymous said...

Liebe Satire!

Ich fur Ein can tell you vot Von Furniss's Oompah did during der welt Krieg. Und it was Fick all to do with Ibiza. He owes me 1000 Reichsmarks.

Gross Babsi



Thumper said...

You know Tom, there could be an opportunity for the owners of the Canny Man and all the other snooty New Town pubs to get together and create a Lidl-type chain of pubs that would sell cheap booze and attract the lower orders like flies, keeping their establishments full of the braying bores they want to attract. They could even call them "Netherspoons", I don't know, I've never been good at the branding part.

Thumper said...

Oh, and I had a Sammy Hagar impersonator at a child's birthday party once. Great, I thought, we'll have Space Station no. 5 and all the other hits. Unfortunately he told me that for contractual reasons he wasn't able to perform any music and could only recite some of Sammy's right wing patriotic views, which apparently are in the public domain.

Tom Laird said...

A bit like the budget pub for indecisive people...


Could have been worse. Could have been a Glenn Hughes impersonator.

Anonymous said...

Tam in mustard coloured corduroy trousers next!

nursemyra said...

Which James is the cunt... Yorkshire James or Young James?

Tom Laird said...

Personaly I reckon they are both a pair of cunts.

Have you considered taking up investigative reporting Nursie?

Merry F#*kin Christmas.

nursemyra said...

And a Happy F#*cking New Year to you too xx

James said...

Both James' are cunts!?

Feeling's mutual!

The Satire! said...

Is that mutual between the cunts? Or the cunts and the accuser?

y2james99 said...

we both agree that mr laird is a total cunt!