A primate at Edinburgh zoo lashed out yesterday at what it sees as "Speciesism".
Mr B.A Boon (7) of Enclosure 12b ranted. "I've had about enough of this shite! It really bursts my bananas. Just what the fuck is so funny about my arse? Eh?! You don't see groups of schoolkids going about here pointing and pissing themselves a laughing at any other species rear ends do you? Ok Ok occasionally the chimps raise a titter or two but nothing on the knicker wetting scale of baboons backsides. Any more of it and we are on strike. No more clowning around ,pulling faces, scratching our ringpiece or having a wank on my watch let me promise you."
"These baboons have got a cheek. In fact they've got two and they are big red and fucking hilarious." Claimed Frankie Douglas from Partick visiting with his two kids. "These monkeys come over here and sit around all day doing fuck all but shag shit and eat at the taxpayers expense. The least they can do is entertain us. If they don't want us laughing at their arses why do they go about with them looking so bright red and bloated? If they don't like it they can bugger off back to bongo bongo land and gie us peace."
Mr Boon hit back, "Oh is that right? We deliberately go about with our arses looking like this do we? How would he like it if I took my troop round to his flat and all split our sides at his Mrs' fat farter? I heard the bitch needs a whole couch to herself. I worked with David Attenborough you know."
Mr. Boons arse is on display between 9:00 and 18:00 each day.