Purveyor Of Shite Beer Opens New Pub Selling Same Shite Beer

 

Pub Landlord "Eck" with his shite beer

A pub owner from Linlithgow who fell out with his former business partner has opened up a new pub across the street.

Alex "Eck" Salmond (66) previously ran The Scotia Arms together with bar manager Nicola Sturgeon(51)for ten years opened up The Alba Arms opposite just the other week.

An insider told us..

"There was a lot of bad blood between him and Nicola after Alex retired and left her in charge. Eck was accused of being a bit of a sleaze and pinching all the barmaids bums on a regular basis and this was something Nicky wouldn't tolerate after 9 years and everybody found out about it so she moved fast and dobbed him in to the polis. But to her surprise and chagrin he got cleared of all charges and everyone accused her of being a hypocrite, a liar and an opportunist. So it wasn't long before Eck wasn't even welcome in his own pub so he decided to decant and set up his own. A lot of the regulars followed him."

One of the regulars and former barmaid who followed, Caroline McAllister, told The Satire ..

"The final straw for us was when Ladies night began to get gate crashed by a load of blokes in dresses all taking advantage of the cheap drink on offer. Before you knew it a wummin couldnae get a seat or even a drink. Getting to the bar was murder as it was chocka with big burly geezers wearing the most awful outfits and they just widnae move. We complained to Nicky but she just cried us aw bigots and refused to serve us. That's when we moved to the new place."

Opening up the new premises with The Proclaimers blaring in the background, Eck quoted the Declaration of Blowfroth ..

"It is no fur honour riches or even anything discernibly different from the other lot for which we fight, but for freehold alone which nae man OR WUMMIN gives up without His/Her wife. The drinks ur oan me....or they would be if we were allowed to serve any, which we aren't so time please, everybody oot".

But another former regular Wee Wullie Wallace from Elderslie commented..

This is pish. It's exactly the same as the auld pub. The beer is still shite. You've got a lager, an IPA, wan that's too citrusy, wan that's a bit like Guiness... only crap. The whole lot is undrinkable and overpriced.  The only difference is they are enforcing the Ladies night rules.

"Nonsense!" Snorted Alex Salmond. "Look at they beer mats. Completely new."

NEXT: Pub Bouncer Kenny MacAskill Buys a New Tie