Sunday, 3 January 2010

2010 Already Pretty Shite

(Below: Our artists impression
of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.
Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."
All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.
In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.
In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.
And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.
"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."
Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.


nursemyra said...

you need to drink more Tom

Tom Laird said...

I keep telling people that nursie. However those bastards behind the bar always insist that I hand over money at some stage. Which hampers the festivities.
Are you suggesting I'm drunnier when funk or unfunny when sober?


Anonymous said...

I drink in the same pub as him and confirm he's a miserable cunt in either state.

O. Furniss


Thumper said...

Have you ever noticed how the Brewers come out with special beers for Xmas, you know, "Winter Warmer", "Xmas Pudding ale" and all that, but they never come out with anything for the New Year Back to Work period, when people genuinely need a drink? Why is there no "Caledonian Early Rise Tomorrow Ale"?

Come on Satyre, why don't you look into this and get a fair deal for the punters? I bet The Judge off of the Sunday Mail would.

nursemyra said...

drunnier when funk. definitely

Anonymous said...

jibe tabe, ishi be hare, yala, aywa, taybeh.


Back in bonnie scotia again tomorrow, assuming I get through Israeli customs unharmed.

C Mingles esq.

Anonymous said...


I think YOU are a big steaming pile of shite. So there.

An Embezzler,

That London.

Anonymous said...

How was your birthday?