Monday, 10 January 2011

NHS Scotland Appoint New Chief Executive

                       (Sir Lancelot MacSpratt MBE, OBE, DSO and Bar.)

First Minister Alex Salmond has approved the appointment of a new Chief Executive for the health service in Scotland.

Sir Lancelot MacSpratt has replaced the previous post holder, Dr.Kevin Woods who MacSpratt has tactfully described as "a complete arse!!!". Minister for Health Nicola Sturgeon has also given her approval.
 The Former Consultant and Surgeon will begin work immediately. His many duties will include being sarcastic and condescending whilst charging around bullying, and bellowing at underlings and the lower orders in general.

Sir Lancelot has a long and distinguished history in this field having starred in many Doctor at Large type movies where he was the terror of Dirk Bogarde, Leslie Phillips and a string of pretty actresses respectively.

" YOU BLITHERING IMBECILE!!" He roared down the phone at our Health Correspondent earlier today. He continued gruffly " Have you the foggiest notion what blessed time it is? Now listen here my good man, I happen to work for a living and have better things to do with my time than stand around chit chatting on the dashed telethingy with the likes of you. Do I make myself crystal clear?"
He then slammed the receiver down on the fingers of a junior Doctor and marched off purposefully to some rousing background music.

James Robertson Justice is Deceased.


The Satire! said...

It was late, I was tired, I was out of ideas I could knock up in a couple of minutes.

nursemyra said...

.... I thought it was Sir Peter Ustinov in the photo

Anonymous said...

Marvelous stuff sir. Another one of those and we'll already equal 2010's two posts per year record and can sit back and watch the cash, commissions & royalties flood in.

Charlie mingles, (retired satirist turned fatcat banking type)

James said...

Was it late? were you tired? all you could knock up in a few minutes??....... i'll get me coat!

Tom Laird said...

A common schoolboy error Nursie. Many people confuse him with the late great Ustinov. Also the late great Robert Morley,the not late and so great but equally shouty Brian Blessed, and of course last but not least,that cunt Burl Ives.
Any other reader get instantly confused between two or more famous actors? Mine were always James Coburn and Lee Marvin, or like Nursie, Ustinov and Justice.
So come on, who do you mix up. Could it be Tina Turner and Whoopie Goldberg? Floella Benjamin and Patti Boulaye? Peter Coyote and Wile E Coyote? Or Ewan MacGregor and a talentless twat? Best random and totally groundless confusion wins a badly poured pint of Guiness in Kay's Bar courtesy of Jeff Le Cube.

Tom Laird said...

I say the Late,Great Ustinov with a caveat.
If I went into my local pub. Kay's for Instance. And found myself waiting for ages and ages to get served. I look over at Jeff, and he's only engaged in a long winded conversation with bloody USTINOV!
Who happens to be regaling him with a somewhat amusing, though albeit circumlocutory anecdote, involving an impression of the Grand Duchess of Luxembourg at a dinner party in Brussels. Complete with falsetto voice and comedic pince nez.
I would say Oi!! Ustinov!!!! Noooooo!!! I admire your ability to read and orate anything from the writings of Lao Tzu to the Edinburgh telephone directory and make it sound witty and engaging.
But do not come in here spouting your after dinner bollocks while I happen to be choking for a pint. You fat, verbose recently deceased, oscar winning Robertson-Justice alike ponce.