Friday, 9 December 2011

ADVERTISING FEATURE

                                   
        The Brannen BJ69 Duberryferkin "It's The Bollocks"















Jools Holland says             " I've always done alright with the birds.
                                       But ever since buying one of these Brannen
                                       Jobbies,  girls as young as 16 have been 
                                       queueing up in droves to suck my cock"

We've all been there. You come home from a hard day screwing up the economy at the bank and all you want to do is listen to some Mantovani, or perhaps some Napalm Death, or maybe even Aga Do by Black Lace. Fuck knows! You get the picture. But wait! Since moving into that swanky new 3 bedroom bastard house you couldn't really afford but she'd been nagging on at you for for two years just to impress her parents and her idiot mates, you haven't been arsed to unpack your impressive CD collection. So off you traipse up to the "guest room". Bollocks! Which box were they in again? No. Not that one. That's all her exercise DVD's and the Thighblaster TM  that's in as much danger as seeing action as as a train spotter's tadger. After an hour you finally find what your looking for. Shite! All her CD's are at the top. NOW That's what I call an absolute load of bilge volumes 1 through 100. Katie fuckin Melua, God who listens to her? Where the fuck are your CD's? Ahh finally after rummaging through a car boot sale of utter crap you get to what you want. 
But what's this? Once back in the lounge you open up Nigel Kennedy's Vivaldi Four Seasons to find the kid's Bob the Builder CD. Do you know what, FUCK IT that'l do. You're not going back up those stairs. Then when you eventually get it in and press play it only skips and jumps like Graham Norton on his way to judge a Beautiful Bums contest.
Frankly, who needs the balls ache? Not fuckin you that's who. Put an end to the CD misery with the Brannen BJ69 Thingummy.
Features Include:
  • A big fuck off button on the front.
  • A display that tells you what's on and that.
  • A Dial that's the big button as well
  • Small enough to leave on the Bus, Train, Plane or in back of a taxi 
These exclusive innovations allow you to:
  • Put all your music onto one machine. A bit like your computer
  • Choose and play an album or track without getting off your arse. A bit like a hi-fi
  • You get to see what's playing from across the room. A bit like using binoculars
  • One button plays all your tracks at random. Another turns it off. A bit like your computer again
  • Show off to the kind of tossers that live in your mock Tudor gulag
If that's not enough for you to give the credit card a caning listen to this...
Jools Holland chunters on, "I was sick to my boogey woogey piano playing tits of rummaging through my CD's constantly. Wasting valuable advertising time fart arsing about with cases and buttons. After only 67 hours of shoving discs in and out of that slot at the front. My entire collection is available at the touch of a dial. Well actually I got my Polish maid to do it. I was to busy being fellated by barely legals. Not only that but my boogey woogey piano playing has improved no end I can tell you."
Just look at these other celebrity endorsements you cynical twat.
"If I had have had one of them  Brannen contraptions I wouldn't have been interfering with Her Maj's lady bits"
  M. Fagan HMP Broadmoor
" Why oh why oh why don't I have a Brannen? I  Think I'll go out and kill every fucker"
 Anders Behring Breivik. Norway
" If my son had have had a Brannen he'd never have been eaten by a bear!"
  That bloke wots son was eaten by a bear. UK
 " Force all these striking civil servant twats to buy one of these gizmos and they'd soon go back to work"
   Jeremy Clarkson. The Cotswolds
  " I was going to Nuke Israel into the stone age but now I have my Brannen and don't need to rummage through my Yusef Islam collection, I've chilled the fuck out."  Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Iran

Let the final word go to the man himself. The electronic genius that is Mathew Brannen

" If it wasn't for this thing I invented no one would know who the hell I was and I'd be still buggering about with Sir Clive Sinclair. If you don't buy one you're a dick. A dick who's destined to spend his days fannying about with CD's while your kids and the neighbours kids piss themselves a laughing at you. Come on yer miserable git. It's Christmas and it might even help the economy. So rope the missus or whoever into getting you one. Yes I know I won't tell you how much it is. If I did you'd say "Fucksakes! Sod that! And just put all your sounds on your hard drive."

Buy the Brannen BJ69 at a knockdown price from The Satire! No! We're not telling you the price either.



5 comments:

Anonymous said...

It depresses me that people feel the need to keep buying gadget after gadget and appliance after apliance in a vain attempt to be in with the in crowd. God why do we need all this stuff? When will all this consumerism end?

James Dyson

Gloucestershire

nursemyra said...

Is a tadger the same thing as a todger? Perhaps you could show me the difference

The Satire! said...

Well done Nursie!

you spotted the deliberate mistake.
A train spotting type would indeed have a "todger" which is middle class ,boring and tiddly. Whereas a "Tadger" is bigger and more manly. Like wot I would have.

You win a bit of Charlie Mingles's wedding cake.

nursemyra said...

Ooh fantastic! I thought you were the Tadger type.

Anonymous said...

Buddha he say "Shiny thing make it all better".

The Dalai Llama

Peru