Thursday, 1 December 2011

Ask The Doctor.

Each week your favourite on line news source brings you top notch medical advice from a high profile celebrity Doctor. This week Dr. Christian Szell off of The Marathon Man answers all your dental related queries in his own inimitable and chilling fashion. So without anymore ado let's literally get on with it. 

Q. Dear Herr Doktor,
     My brother was recently run over in a car accident carrying the keys to a safe deposit box in Switzerland. In that box are over $100,000,000 in diamonds. I'm also having terrible problems with my wisdom teeth giving me gyp. To complicate matters even further I am a high profile Nazi war criminal hiding out in S. America. What I need to know from you is, is it safe?    Werner Von Abwehr,  Paraguay
A. Ja, Ja! Ist ein teaser. Vot I would do is tie someone to ein chair and go to work on zem vith a pair of pliers. The results however are disappointing, as zey often tell you what zey sink you want to know just to avoid the pain. Might I suggest ein cup of tea und ein friendly chat. Und if zat does not work. Knock zem out with ketamine in their tea. Und ven zey come round.Go to work on them with ein pair of pliers and ein Black und Decker drill. 
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I'm having a devil of a time trying to find a dentist In Edinburgh. Do you accept NHS patients.  Mrs I. MacTights. Saughton
A. Nein! I'm strictly ein private practice.
Q. Dear Doctor Szell,
     I'm thinking of quantitatively easing billions of pounds into the economy to try and prevent a double dip. Is it safe?
     G. Osborne. Westminster
A. Nein! It never worked for der fatherland in the 1930's
Q. Dear Dr. Szell,
     I wonder if in all the years you were in hiding if any of your mates thought it was hilarious to call you "Soft Szell" and sing Tainted Love whenever you were around?  Marc Almond.  (Address withheld)
A. Ha ha ha ha! Ja, ja sehr gut! Ja zat insufferable bastard Martin Bormann used to do that all the time. Der cunt didn't sink it voz zat funny when I knocked him out with ketamine in his tea, tied him to ein chair and went to work on him ven he came round with ein pair of pliers und ein hand drill with a windy handle on it. Ze squeaking alone drove him mad. As ein serendipity I subsequently discovered he was ein Soviet spy as well.
Q. Dr. Szell,
     I couldn't help admiring that retractable dagger you keep up the sleeve of your jacket for slashing the throats of nosey and accusatory ex concentration camp inmates. What I want to know is, has it ever popped out unexpectedly and embarrassingly at an inappropriate moment?  Anders Behring Breivik.  Norway
A. Ja! Once on ein Lufthansa flight out of Frankfurt Main a buxom stewardess bent over me to help me find mein seat belt giving me ein fine eyeful of her wunderbar tits. I had absent mindedly left mein fly open und Mein Gott!! Aus popped ze old schlanger auf die hosen. Alle ist well zat ends well. She gave me ein terrific noshing due to mein celebrity status... Ah Wait! I see vot you mean. You mean ze dagger. Ha ha I do love ein gut double entendre.
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I'm currently on the train from Surbiton to Waterloo doing the Daily Telegraph crossword and wonder if you could help me with 14 down. The clue is "Strong box with a combination lock for keeping valuables". Four letters ending in 'E'. Is it safe?  Major E. Southby Taylyor . via e-mail
A. Ja! Idiot!
Q. Dr. Szell,
     Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like my late uncle Charlie?  Ms R. Young. Blantyre
A. Nein!
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I'm a newly wed man and I'm finding it difficult to convince my young bride to perform fellatio upon me. I love her dearly and do not wish for this to come between us. I've tried covering it in chocolate but to no avail. Any advice? HRH Prince Wiliam.
A. Arschloch! I'm Herr Doktor Christian Szell. Not Dr. Fucking Ruth. Vot ze hell do I care? Knock ze bitch out with ketamine  or rohypnol.Ven she comes round go to work on her with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill till she complies.
Q. Dear Doctor,
     I am a 44 year old man. I saw my GP recently and was shocked when he ordered me to bend over and stuck his index finger up my arse. Is this normal, but most importantly is it safe? T.Laird. Edinburgh
A. Zis is not mein area of expertise, not involving ein pair of pliers or ein drill. But I know enough to confidently assure you it is both safe und perfectly routine in a man your age.
Q. What? In the checkout queue in Waitrose? Barrroom Tchh!!! T.Laird. Edinburgh
A. Imbecile! Ze old ones are der best is zat not so?
Q. Liebe Herr Doktor,
     I was recently force fed a load of precious stones at gunpoint by Dustin Hoffman. It's playing merry hell with my movements. I haven't been able to have a crap properly for weeks now. I've been eating All Bran and prunes for days. Nothing! What say you?  Angela Merkel . Der Deutchen Bundestag
A. Schweinhund!!! Zat prick is always doing zat. Try an extra strong curry followed by some Jaaps. That got me going but zey really make your eyes water on the way out I can fucking tell you. Might I suggest the next time you see him you knock him out with ketamine, tie him to a chair till he comes round zen go to work on him with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill.
That's all from the very busy psychopath. If you have any further questions for the good Doctor please put them in the comments section below and Dr. Szell will do his utmost to reply in between bouts of grisly torture.
Next Week.....  Dr. Ian Paisley



Anonymous said...

Dear Dr. Szell,

Today at the dentist I found that my molar was completely hollow.I was told that I could still save the tooth, which was recommended, but that it would require root canal,build up and a crown immediately or the tooth would just break. The damage was around £650 + vat. On the other hand I was offered an extraction for 50 notes. I know from a friend getting an implant that it costs just the same. My question is why was I recommended root canal when there are cheaper alternatives readily available. More importantly, is it safe?

Mrs J. Turdburgler


The Satire! said...

Mrs Burgturdler,

Unfortunately Dr. Szell has been called away to a cabinet select committee on the future of the NHS with Angela Lansbury.
We will put your question to him as soon as possible. In the meantime you may wish to invest in a pair of pliers and a Black & Decker drill.

Yours on behalf of the Herr Dr.

T. Laird

Editor In Chief

nursemyra said...

i would advise Prince William to try chutney instead of chocolate. his wife looks like a savoury girl to me

The Satire! said...

She may well be savoury Nursie. But let me assure you my intentions toward her certainly aren't.