Tuesday, 28 February 2012

"I Can't get a Shag." Moans Celebrity Pair of Tits

            An apparently unloved pair of tits. Everybody! Aaaaaaaaaawwwww.
A famous walking, talking, occasionally acting pair of tits had a right greet about not getting any to anyone credulous enough to listen to her shite last week.
"God knows what I have to do." Gret the 49 year old fit looking pair of tits on legs to our bored reporter. "I think men must be intimidated by my celebrity status and sheer Hellenic beauty.They just never ever ask me out. My Jackie Danny has all but healed up."
As the news broke out 300,000,000 horny blokes worldwide choked on their beer then pissed themselves a laughing in complete disbelief and derision.
"Obviously when you earn 40 Squillion Dollars a year and live in Beverly Hills it's a bit difficult to get chatted up by a bloke who earns 50 Squillion, when you are past your best and are competing with a legion of 18-30 year old aspiring actresses who will suck George Clooney's cock for nowt. I think that's what she means." Said pub philosopher and bitter cynic Tom Laird (44)who asked not to be named as he's in enough trouble with the sisterhood. "Has she tried putting on a mini skirt and going to a bar full of squaddies?" He continued naively.
Chartered Accountant Mike Cohen from New York added. "I agree with Tom. I had the misfortune to share an elevator with Ms Pairoftits in a plush hotel in Paris. I'd heard all this guff before about how these beautiful  women never get approached so 'I thought what the hey, I'll give it a shot. ' I presented my business card and said' Hi there, I hope you don't mind my being forward but would you join me for a drink lat......' That's as far as I got before she screamed 'NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ' at the top of her voice, drove her handbag into my face with both hands in rhythm to the 'No's' then maced me in the eyes and mouth. So you could say the results were disappointing. Thank the Lord I didn't tell her about wanting to cum all over her ass."
Speaking from San Quentin prison, former celebrity stalker Dwayne Frottage fumed. "This adds insult to injury. I left her over 4000 texts, made 3000 phone calls, pestered her at work and at home and jerked off into her undies. What do I get? Banged up in a cell with a black gangster who calls me Mary. There's no justice. If I had have been rich, famous and handsome instead of a 16 stone geek with greasy hair and a hygiene problem it would have been wedding bells and not a lawsuit." He was then dragged backwards by the heels into his cell by a 230 pound negro wearing lipstick.

Courtney Cox is full of shit.


nursemyra said...

I though Courtney had a mere handful

Anonymous said...

As the retired editor of this esteemed organ, and as a newly-wed post feminist - can I just say how much I profoundly disagree with Mr Laird's comments here.

Absolutely outrageous. No way are those Courtney Cox's tits!

Yours in Christ, Charles Mingles esq.

PS: Mr Laird, can you answer press speculation that you plan to launch The Satire on Sunday?

The Satire! said...

Eraaannnnuuu!!! Yes Nursie once again you've spotted the deliberate mistake. Those are not indeed Courtney's thrupenny bits but in fact the bazoomas of some Ostro burd I spotted in a pub the other night. I had to stalk her for hours to get that picture, but as I'm sure you will agree it was well worth the effort and risk of arrest. I fully expect a WPP photo of the year award.

You win a massage with a substance of your choice. Talc, lotion or Baby Oil?

Commiserations Mr Mingles. You were just pipped at the post. Even if you'd got it first, I'm fucked if I'm massaging you.........Again!

The Satire! said...


The Satire on Sunday (SOS) Is indeed on the way. How ever I will have to arrest and sack myself first. Then re employ a cheaper version of me.

Watch this space