Monday, 27 August 2012

"SNP Will Kill Us All In Our Beds!!" Warns Jim Murphy

    "We're a' doomed! "Jim looks grim doing an Impression of Pvt. Frazer In Dads Army

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy ran amok through the streets of Edinburgh yesterday. Grabbing random people by the lapels screaming and shouting maniacally into their stunned faces.
The gist of his prophecy of doom is that if the SNP get their way they will murder us all and our cherub like children in their wee beds. East Renfrewshire MP Jim, who's hobbies include Football, Golf and entertaining notorious gangsters at Labour party fundraisers. Accosted, among many others, Mrs Ina MacTights(21) as she exited Scotmid.

 "I thought I was being mugged at first, then as he shook me back and forth he bellowed at me 'Don't you know you're all going to die! The SNP are coming! Run to the hills!' Well I nearly took a heart attack. There should be a law against it. Who was that lunatic?"

When our reporter explained that Mr. Murphy was a Scottish Labour MP. Mrs. MacTights said she would definitely be voting for him as that's what her mother always done.

In a prepared statement given to The Satire! yesterday evening Mr. Murphy further claimed that :

  1. If Scotland breaks away from the UK it will fall into the sea and drown us all.
  2. Children as young as 6 weeks old will be forced to eat porridge.
  3. Lions, Tigers, Wolves, Polar Bears and Giant beavers will terrorize our streets.
  4. The only programmes allowed on STV will be Parahandy, The White Heather Club, Thingummyjig and endless shows presented by Pat Kane.
  5. Sean Connery will come round and slap your wife.
  6. Drunks in English parks and underground stations will be repatriated.
  7. Aliens will Invade
Jim Murphy wants your vote.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

As a Scottish alcoholic outside Waterloo station, in a pool of my own vomit and pish. I have to say the SNP get my vote.
I've been tryin to save up enough to visit my mum for ten years, but keep spending the pound Megabus fare on White Lightning. If the English want to send me home. That's fine with me. But be warned. Ma troosers are awfy shitty.

Wee Boaby