Mary: Queen of Cock
An Edinburgh man was black affronted yesterday to discover himself having a good old tug to Mary 'Queen of Shops 'Portas.
"I'm somewhat confused and slightly disgusted over the whole incident". Claimed the ruggedly handsome and libidinous Editor of the world famous The Satire! from his festering pit earlier this evening. "I mean I always considered her a bit of a munter and borderline boiler. Imagine my surprise when she popped up inexplicably in my mid day wank fantasy.
I woke up about 11:50 am after a hard night on the lash. I'd been having a horny dream involving The Pussycat Dolls and a bottle of baby oil. I found myself starting out with my usual gentle lazy strum, building up to a decent rhythm with Demi Moore doing striptease for me. Then out the blue, just as I'm reaching the vinegar strokes to Britney Spears, Mary fuckin Portas pops into mind. Bending over the bonnet of her Audi A4 cabriolet with her mini skirt hitched up, giving me that come hither look they always give you just before you get arrested, and berating me for not presenting my member in a clean, professional and business like manner. Well I just couldn't stop myself. Before you could say 'unique selling point' I was pummeling her up the wrong un as she protested 'call that a good hard shag? I've had better on a wet Wednesday round the back of Top Shop.'
Well I must say, the worst part is that I've never had such a volcanic orgasm. The penguin walk to the toilet has never been so tricky. I have had a few dodgy ones in the past, you know the odd cartoon character (Betty Rubble, Jessica Rabbit etc.), I even had a quick one to Tracy Emin and just recently Kirsty Allsop. But this really is a new low.
I just hope that the whole episode doesn't end up posted on some online satirical blog. I'd be ruined.
Tom Laird is 43 and unsurprisingly single.