The Royal Mile(Sans bloodbath) yesterday
Hundreds of visiting dimwits, and a few locals as well, looked on in thrilled amazement as a tourist from Korea was first robbed, thrown around like a rag doll then plunged 37 times.
Howard and Myrtle Schikelgruber (66 and 61) of North Carolina were witnesses to the event.
"We were witnesses to the whole darn event" drawled Howard. Resplendent in tartan trousers and Tam O' Shanter bunnet. "Look honey! I said to Myrtle. The kids are puttin' on a show. People were a whoopin' and a hollerin', clappin' their hands an stamping their feet. Someone with a fiddle then joined in with a reel. I remember thinkin' why crimminy that blood sure looks real' as it spattered my wife. Someone even came round with a hat at the end. The applause went on and on before after around 10 mins or so someone realised the guy was actually dead and phoned for medics."
"Gee it sure is a cryin' shame for that young China man." Said Myrtle. "I sure hope he wasn't a heathen communist and will at least get to be with Jesus. It's so sad because the Scotch are so friendly. Only that same mornin' a guy in a turban sold us some genuine MacSchikelgruber tartan at a knock down price of only $1,100. Howard and I didn't even know we were Scotch.
Lothian and Borders police are looking for two neds trying to sell a bloodstained Apple laptop with Korean characters on the keyboard.