Sunday, 16 November 2008

Owl & Pussycat Lost at Sea

Pictured: the two daft twats in question ... just as they set off yesterday
A nocturnal bird and a domestic feline were today thought lost at sea after setting out in an attractive emerald-coloured ocean-going vessel.

Senior Coastguard spokesman Mr David Donaldson told us, “We believe the two creatures set off with some honey and a large amount of cash, wrapped up in a £5 note. Other than that though - no sat nav, proper food, water or mobile phone. Also, it’s clear that neither of the creatures had any sailing experience. So it’s perhaps inevitable that they should have run into trouble.

“It seems the cracks first began to appear when the feline realised it did not have opposable thumbs and so could not effectively grip the oars - and they soon began to drift out into open water. Additionally, the money they were carrrying was in the form of gold coins, and it’s thought the weight of the bullion led the boat to slowly sink below the water-line, letting in water. They tried to bail out the vessel using their only source of food, said jar of honey, but with neither creature possessing a good enough grip, the venture was obviously doomed.

“Also, there’s evidence that the cat may have eaten the owl. Aren’t they natural enemies? In hindsight, it seems clear that this may have been inevitable all along. After all, if I set out to cross the Pacific Ocean accompanied by 20 quid, a hungry tiger and a jar of Marmite - I wouldn’t anticipate surviving the journey. Daft twats!”

Sir Stephen Redgrave has today put on hold his proposed trip to row across the English Channel accompanied by Freddie Kreuger, Rosemary West and a box of Pop Tarts. Sponsors of the trip, HBOS - were said to be disappointed.


Anonymous said...


All this adventuring round the world endangering yourselves and others. It's just an adult version of "Daddy, Daddy! Look at me!.
They might as well just get their cocks out. Cut them off with a Black & Decker saw, and be done with it.


Sir Ranulph Fiennes

Anonymous said...

Ja ma broe,

I agree totally with Sir Ranulph man.
It's like se oke Steve Irwin. All that joking around with animals.
Look what happened to him. What a complete bliksemse doos.

He can Gaan Kak.

Austin Stevens

Intensive Care Unit
UCT Hospital
Cape Town