Scottish Feminists Demand Men "Be Feart of Mice."

EEEeeeeeeeeeeek!!!! A mouse, like what women are feart of, in classic attack mode.

Hunners of unattractive women lobbied the Scottish government yesterday and demanded something be done about the mouse menace.

Xena MacHarridan (none of your fucking business) the chairperson for SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things) told The Satire while brandishing a bread knife..

"For far to long the Patriarchy has tolerated these so-called wee cowerous timorous beasties plaguing the lives of the sisterhood. Something must be done. While it's true that there are many women who aren't feart of mice and many men who are, this only highlights the inequality built into the system. Much much more could be done to help women."

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir Richard Attenborough at his mansion last night. "As I told you cunts before I know fuck all about animals and especially mice!" He said wearily and slammed down the phone.

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir David Attenborough at the BBC last night. It's only a mouse. It can't harm you and if anything it's more afraid of YOU. I know I certainly am. I think the ladies need to chill the fuck out and be less hysterical."

"That's it, blame the victim why don't you. This is the kind of outdated male attitude we are trying to stamp out. It's about time men started to empathise a bit more. We already tried to make women less feart of mice by explaining things logically. It's not working. It's far easier for men to take some responsibility and start being feart of mice as well, bringing about more gender equality." Ms. MacHarridan gibbered on.

Among the many mental demands she and her sisters have put before Alex Neil the Minister for Gender equality are :

• Free stools for women to jump on when accosted by a mouse.
• A free broom to try to hit the we bugger with as it darts about terrified.
• That males as young as 6 weeks old be traumatised with mice in their cot, and propagandised with nazi style public information films on the evils and dangers of mice.
• That it be made illegal to be unafraid of mice and beasties in general.
• That cartoons showing mice in a positive light IE. Mickey Mouse, Danger Mouse, Speedy Gonzalez etc. be banned.
• That mice be re-educated and taught how not to harass women.

"That final demand should be accompanied by a government funded nation wide poster and TV ad campaign targeting mice. 'Don't be THAT Mouse' should be the tag line. Men should also be made to wear a skirt when confronting a mouse, so that they can fully appreciate the horror involved in the insane primordial notion that it might run up your leg and get stuck in your jacky danny." Said Xena finally putting the knife back in her handbag.

"I'm Pissed Off With Being Mistaken for Coulthard!" Says Bloke off of Ferrero Rochet Advert

Coulthard

Kahler

That German bloke off of the 90's Chocolate commercial has remarked that he's right fucked off with being confused with the Desperate Dan chinned British racing driver.

Wolf Kahler(73) the 6'2 actor who played a Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark told The Satire.

"Ich bin right fucked off mit zis. We are not even der same age fur fucksakes. It's embarrassing. Someone will ask me for mein autograph then say 'you look much younger on the telly Mr. Coulthard'. Gott in Himmel!"

Mr. Kahler from Kiel in Schleswig-Holstein who played a Nazi in Band of Brothers, blitzkrieged on..

"Ich wouldn't mind if it only went that far occasionally but it seems to be every other week now. Ich habe to avoid any motor sport related activities. Ich was delighted to be invited on Top Gear last month only to realise zat zey had made der same mistake. Schweinhunde!"

Wolf who played a Nazi in The Sea Wolves alongside Gregory Peck and Roger Moore stormed...

"It's getting beyond ein joke. Das final straw came when Michael Schumacher smashed his trolley into me in a supermarket in Koln then punched me in mein box shaped coupon. Before I could explain he'd knocked me clean out. Der twat! This would never have happened if Germany won the war. Seig Heil!" He thundered.

Kahler who acted the part of a Nazi in The Remains of The Day alongside Anthony Hopkins is set to play a Spanish transsexual prostitute in an upcoming David Lynch movie.*

*We apologise for the above inaccuracy. Wolf Kahler will be in fact playing the part of a Nazi in the upcoming sequel to Iron Skies.

New Town Man Shits Himself at the Thought of ACTUALLY Living in the Country

Sstruan as he's chosen to be immortalised with one of his dogs Monty 

A man who gads about Stockbridge in tweed plus fours, dressed like a fucking extra from To The Manor Born, shat himself last week at the very notion of not living in the city.

Sstruan Findlater-Twatpiece (33), a former pupil of George Watson's college and resident of Heriot Row, found himself in the ghastly situation of possibly having to relocate to rural Perthshire as part of a workplace promotion. He and his partner Ffyon are among Barbour TM and Hunter's TM  best UK customers, and are lifetime subscribers to Horse & Hound and Cunty (surely Country. Ed) Life magazines.

Speaking from the tailgate of his pristine Land Rover Defender, decal-led with fake mud splatters, that he uses to mow down cyclists and demolish the wing mirrors of parked cars. He explained..

"I made my weekly visit to the office last Monday at Huckster,Shyster and Cunt were I'm engaged as an HR Under Manager to be told the "good news" by my Boss." 

"Congratulations old chap! You'll be pleased to know we've decided to give you a promotion, running a new office we have at Moor of Rannoch. No need for thanks, you richly deserve it"

"The Bastard! I couldn't work out what I'd done wrong. Ffyon and I took a helicopter trip up there and it really is the arsefuck of nowhere. We have two Labradors a Spaniel, a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a Jack Russell. What in the name of god would they do up here? I mean the nearest Waitrose is in Glasgow for fucksakes and I would't be able to have my magazines delivered. Also about 5 am you hear this godawful bellowing every morning. I asked what it was down the nearest so called pub, they don't even do cocktails, and they told me the noise is what they call 'cows'. Fuck that! Then to cap it all off when Ffyon inquired in the local Church about Pilates and Zumba classes they told her the only thing they do is something called prayer and worship. Peasants! Anyway thankfully it all fell through. By the way that's Sstruan with two s's and ditto for Ffyon."

"Struan tried to put a brave face on it when I gave him the bad news about the deal falling through." His boss told The Satire . " He punched the air and shouted 'YeeeeEEEssss you fucker!!!', but I know deep down he'll have been bitterly disappointed."

            

OBITUARY: RIP Margaret Merriweather

The Bench where Margaret would rail against twilight till forcibly removed by park wardens.

The Satire today bids farewell to our Environmental & Meteorological Correspondent Margaret Merriweather who has died horrifically in her sleep.

Margaret started on the magazine way back  in the 1940's straight from Cheltenham Ladies College and soon became a regular but thoroughly disliked member of the editorial team. Unfortunately she was heavily litigious even back then so we had no choice but to keep her on.

Anyone who knew Margaret will know she had her eccentricities.

In particular, she could not abide the changing of the seasons. The very idea for example of Spring turning into Summer abhored Margaret. And as a young child she had campaigned vigorously, tirelessly, passionately and utterly pointlessly for a world-wide ban on all seasons.

Her two nemeses were Frankie Vali and the 17th century Italian composer Antonio Vivaldi, whose grave she faithfully shat on every year on his birthday. Even into her 90's, where she had to be helped from her bathchair and held over the headstone by her long-suffering grandchildren, she insisted on keeping up the protest.

From the earliest age, Margaret had actively and visibly displayed her contempt for the seasons in every way she could - wearing flimsy swimwear and flipflops in the December blizzards of 1962, donning full eskimo gear during the scorching 1976 heatwave and taking great delight in only eating pears which had yet to ripen.

But her tireless efforts had no effect and the seasons carried on regardless.


Towards the end of her life, her intolerance begun to extend to the concept of day turning into night and she had eventually refused to sleep at all saying enigmatically, 'That just encourages the cheeky cunt!"

She leaves behind a weary husband and 12 traumatised grandchildren.

Operation Yew Tree Arrests Test Card Clown

Days of  Innocence: In retrospect,. Are we surprised?

In a staggering new development, police under the aegis of operation Yew Tree have arrested Bubbles the test card clown off of the 70's. 

The 65 year old farceur was arrested at his home in a charity shop window in Staines Surrey by plain clothes officers. Police gave no more information other than a mannequin  in his sixties had been detained in connection with allegations of sexual offences carried out at the BBC between 1967 and 1984.

Friends and family alike are said to be absolutely shocked. "I'm absolutely shocked." Said Carole Hersee his co star in the popular transmissions. "He was always so quiet, but then again it's the quiet ones you have to watch. Of course you also have to watch the not so quiet ones like Stuart Hall I suppose. Dear oh dear." She continued placing her hand over her mouth.

Others however have always had their suspicions. "I always had my suspicions! Snapped B-list celebrity arsehole and slapper Kerry Katona. "I remember me and the girls were at the BBC doing a rehearsal for TOTP and Bubbles was being carried past us in a box. We were doing a raunchy routine, jiggling our tits and showing our arses and knickers while making pelvic thrusts and sucking our fingers. Completely necessary to convey the message of 'The Tide is High'. When out of the corner of my eye I saw Bubbles looking at us in a pervy way. Disgusting."

Fellow TV star Zippy from Rainbow spoke up in defence of the clown yesterday. "This is absurd. It was the 70's for fucksakes. It was well understood that if you were a tasty bird of whatever dubious age and you set foot anywhere near a TV star, producer, or Radio DJ you were up for it. These tarts knew the score. Gold diggers the lot of them. I groped Jane's arse loads of times and she didn't mind. Of course it wouldn't have mattered if she did, we would have just sacked her. Everyone knew she was shagging Bungle anyway. Slut!"

Bubbles was unavailable for comment today as he was in custody, and a fucking puppet.

Kenny MacArsekhole Writes...

The justice secretary looks through the names of those non-politicians suspected of drinking without his permission

His Excellency Commissar Comrade Kenneth MacArsekhole writes an open letter to his people.

Greetings to you the humble and exalted proletariat.

People often say to me, "Kenny, Is it no a bit rich you banging on and on about the evils of alcohol when you were arrested for being drunk and disorderly outside a fitba' match?" To them I can only say, "shut yer mooth!" Yeah yeah yeah it's boring now OK. 

Then just the other day the Venerable peoples representative for Perthshire South and Kinross-shire Comrade Cunningham, was accused of launching in to a 'boozy rant' at a couple of blue rinse capitalistic swine in a Hollyrood bar.

Now these same idiots are coming out the woodwork again. "Blah blah that's a bit rich, blah blah hypocrisy etc etc". Need I go on?(Glug glug glug aaahhhh)

Well I'm going to anyway. Comrade Cunningham and myself are socialists. That means we believe in bettering the working class.(hic!) Who better to better them than their bettersh? This is why we are bringing in a minimum price for alcohol.(hic!) Comrade Cunningham exemplified this policy. You didn't catch her down the park with a six pack of Spesh, abusing passers by. No! She had the decency to glug highly expensive but subsidised Chateau neuf du pape and abuse tory MSP's.(Slurrrrp!)

Because I and Comrade Cunningham are socialists we believe that the government should pay for thingsh. Thingsh like our highly lucrative shalaries and expenshes and of course the odd bottle or three of extortionate  plonk.(hic!)

There is no hypocrishy in thish whatshoever.(buuuurrp!) Shcuse me! We are simply keeping in touch with the people by shelflessly experiencing the evils of alcohol for ourselves, all the better to combat it. The SNP are a party of the people. We stand for justice, abstinance and...er...geez a minute er....( at this point an aide appears and whispers in the commrades ear) Independence! Aye that's it. I always forget that one, Independence. The right to self determination. Excshept of course the right to determine to get reekin on cheap booze unless you're a commissar like me Eck and Roseanna.

Power to the people! Long live the revolution.!(hic!)

It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.

Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.

"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."

The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.

" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ratings...er ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."