Monday, 4 August 2008

The Truth Is Out There and It's Fan-Dabi-Dozi!

Mulder &Scully watch horrified at old episodes of Crackerjack. The Krankies....Scary.

One of Scotland's top comedy
acts has landed a part in the planned X-Files movie sequel due for release in January 2010.

The Krankies (real names Ian and Janette Pishflap) beat off severe competition from big industry names such as, Jim Bowen, Alan Stewart, Andy Gray and Grant Stott. Also rumoured to be in the running were Ben Kingsley, Sir Ian McKellen and that bloke off of the Halifax adverts. The news comes as no surprise to Krankie fans who were jubilant yesterday when it was announced Ian and Janette had secured the part. One middle aged fan who refused to give his name because he was under a social services supervision order, and shouldn't have been near the swing park adjacent to The Satire's office when we caught up with him, enthused...

" Wee Jimmy Krankie is ma favourite comedy character of all time and his face is all over ma bedroom wall. I for one can't wait for the film to come out." He then made some comments unfit for copy and darted off.

This reporter managed to contact Mr. Krankie at Motherwell Civic Center where he and Wee Jimmy are in rehearsals for the upcoming summer run of Dean Park's "Big Variety Night Oot." Alongside Stan Boardman and a Fran & Anna tribute act. When asked how he felt about being awarded the part he said" Janette and I are absolutely thrilled and delighted to be in the movie alongside Davy Dickoff and Moira Anderson (sic). Especially Janette who is a big fan of Scooby Doo and Rentaghost an thae kind of things. I am also particularly pleased to have beaten that smug twat Andy Gray who stole My TV Quick award for "Best Widow Twankie" last year. In your face Gray! I rule!!!!Seriously I was gutted by that. I thought it was in the bag and even the Evening Times was ready to lead with 'Krankie King of the Twankies'. Bastard."

Janette was unavailable for comment as it was past her bedtime.

Film Industry bigwigs are keeping it tight about what the role will be. However one insider told The Satire. " As usual Wee Jimmy has the main part. Basically they play the part of a father and son on holiday in America when aliens strike and abduct Wee Jimmy. There's an hilarious scene where they are trying to catch him and he is running around the room trying to escape and running under and through their legs, kicking them up the arse and stuff. Then one of the creature puts its spindly hand on his head and holds him at arms length, as he flails and windmills his arms trying to batter it. Priceless! The aliens are then completely baffled when they do an autopsy and discover that he is in fact a 61 year old women. They then wipe her mind of the experience and let her go. Of course everyone then thinks that Ian has done her in and no one believes his abduction malarkey except Agent Mulder. Later when they are searching a house for Wee Jimmy he is in fact behind them making faces the whole time. It's very dark and disturbing."

Undoubtedly The Krankies owe their break to the success of Scottish King of comedy Billy Connolly. In the latest X-Files offering, Billy plays the part of a paedophile priest who has the second sight and talks exactly like the Rev. I.M Jolly.

" The great thing about you Scotch is that Americans can't understand your accent so can't really tell when your a shit actor." Said a big Hollywood director through a funnel shaped thing.

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