Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Airline In Heterosexual Recruitment Drive.

Left: Typical Cabin Crew Below: Some heterosexual men.

A Scottish airline is to sensationally lead the way in appointing heterosexual men to cabin crew positions it was revealed to The Satire today in yet another coup for your favourite online news source.

Auld Scotia Airways based at the confusingly titled Glasgow Prestwick airport announced that they would team up with Straight lobby group Brickwall to recruit more heteros and encourage straight air stewards to be more open about their sexuality.

Until the late nineties straight men were banned from cabin crew jobs for fear they would try to shag all the stewardesses or would want to spend time with family. Straight men who wanted to take to the skies as a steward had to affect effeminate behaviour and mince about trying not to look at birds arses.

The drive to recruit more ethnic minorities to these posts has been active for some time, but the airlines targeting of the straight male community will come as something of a surprise to many. Brickwall, who are being paid by Auld Scotia, are also giving advice on how to create a working environment in which straight stewards can feel comfortable about 'coming out.'

Spokesman for Brickwall Peter Tadger commented, "In the past heterosexual staff were nervous about revealing their orientation to colleagues because it could have led to claims that they acted gay at their interviews. Auld Scotia have taken the first step to dragging the airline industry into modern Britain." Tadger who controversially attacked Peter Mandelsohn with a rolled up copy of Razzle last year added, "there is however a long way to go. There are many other airlines out there still exclusively stewarded by cock jocks."

Some current employees of the airline were not as enthusiastic about the new policy. Dorian Andrews(21), a senior steward who insisted on being named, told The Satire while pulling a face that looked like Graham Norton smelling a fart, "This is absolutely disgusting. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it the next thing they will want is to be hairdressers, fashion designers and BBC producers. It's just not on. All I can say is they better not come near any of my stewardesses. It's not normal."

Frankie Douglas(20), formerly an Electrician from Partick, is the first openly straight steward to join the airline and cheerfully told The Satire, "I am totally chuffed at getting the job, although I have had such a slagging from my mates telling me to sew my arsehole up and asking me if I will be serving "large ones" and all that shite. But I can take it." He was then distracted by a big titted trolley dolly bending over the check in desk. "PHHHhhhhhhWWWWooooaaarrrr!!!!!!" he growled while brandishing his fist in a phallic gesture. " I cant wait to brush past her in the aisle."

Auld Scotia have been inundated with applications.


Anonymous said...

You filthy disgusting homophobe!

It's evil scum like you that sow the rotting cancer of hatred in our otherwise peaceful multi-cultural society.

Jim Davidson OBE

Anonymous said...

I agree entirely with the previous caller. Cage this evil journalist scum!

I didn't fight in three world wars to defend freedom so that cunts like this could just express themselves willy-nilly whenever they feel like it. That wasnt the plan at all, oh no. You should be shot at dawn man. DAWN! AAARRGHHHHH!!

Oh, I appear to have shat myself, I do apologise.

PS: keep up the good work.

Prince Philip.