(Pictured: Top, Bob Larson. Above. A photo of the Smugness Demon captured using special photography)
Controversial American Exorcist Bob Larson has announced he plans to visit Scotland next month to exorcise a few of our demons - and he's starting with the First Minister.
Speaking on the telephone this morning, Larson told us, 'Why, lordy lordy I've seen this man on my television set and the Smugness Demon is possessing him something awful, so it is, lordy lordy and no mistake, y'all'
He then went on to site a few more instances of the damned and possessed amongst the Scottish establishment. According to Larson, Jackie Bird is possessed by a giant pteradactyl which compels her to write terrible sitcoms and to believe she is sexually attractive to men under the age of sixty. Whilst Jackie sleeps, the terrible beast awakens from its slumber and flies round the room practicising its alluring grimace and trying on sexy underwear.
And that's not all. Larson has also singled-out Scots TV presenter Nicky Campbell as being possessed by the 'Patronising twat' Demon.
And according to Larson, the entire City of Glasgow has been under the power of the 'Weegie' Demon for literally centuries.
Larson told us, 'Glaswegians are actually very camp effete sorts, lordy lordy, I do declare. But for hundreds of years now a Demon of obesity, tedious humour and irritating people by talking to them at bus stops when they just want a quiet fucking life - has possessed the good people of the city. I intend to rid them of this terrible curse and no mistake, yessir indeed!'
Larson is a controversial figure in the US, having amassed a fortune from his work and recently exposed a journalist for being possessed by the 'Finding me in bed with a prostitute' Demon. And another for being under the power of the 'Realising my head looks like an engorged cock covered in Brillo Pads' Demon.
Neither Alex Salmond, Jackie Bird or any of the fair people of Glasgow were available for comment, but Larson's crusade continues.
'My crusade continues,' he told us.'Praise the Lord and pass another slice of that them there pumpkin pie, lordy lordy, yessir indeed ..' etc.