Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Man Gets Served in Scotmid.





51 Year old Hugh MacTackle was jubilant yesterday after having being served in his local Scotmid in only a breathtaking 49 minutes. The champagne flowed at his Stockbridge home this evening at a soiree he organised to celebrate his good fortune.
"You read about these things and see them on telly" he said, "but it's always something that happens to someone else not you. I just couldn't believe my luck, even after I got home with my shopping I had to sit down and stare at my receipt. It just didn't seem real, I kept pinching myself but there it was in black and white. 'Served by Toby at 17:40. A staggering 49 minutes and 10 seconds after I stood in the queue for the checkout. To make things even more incredible there were at least another two people in front of me with about eight items between them. I myself had 6 items, two of which were from the bargain shelf, so that the student serving me had to input those long bar codes by hand. What are the odds? I was so pleased I phoned my sister in Australia to give her the news, but she thought It was one of my pranks and told me to piss off then hung up"
One of Hugh's fellow shoppers was not so enamoured however. Mrs Isa McGirdle (65) Lamented.
"I had been standing at the till for an hour while someone was fart arsing around with the lottery machine. They kept ringing and ringing that sodding bell underneath the counter but still no bugger turned up. Then this disinterested spotty student sauntered over to the other faraway till ,and said in an almost inaudible voice 'I'll take you over here please'. The bloody mile long queue disintegrated and I ended up last. Worst of all I was only buying a shagging tin of beans. Scotmid can kiss my wrinkled arse."
Scotmid were quick to capitalise on Mr. MacTackles good fortune however. Store Manager Mr. Roman Polanski (17) said,
" We are super happy with Mr. MacTackle and his happy day. We like to give very much super customer service. Thank you so much."
This is the second time in one year that Hugh has had a windfall.
" Yes it's extraordinary but true. A couple of months back I phoned the Citizens Advice Bureau in Dundas St. about a financial matter and someone answered the phone in just 5 and a half hours. It was only the cleaner however, but she did take my details at least and someone phoned me back in a month."
Asked what he would do with his new found lucky streak an ecstatic Mr. MacTackle ventured,
"Oh God I don't know, it's all so sudden. I think I might try getting served in a nightclub."
He laughed and laughed.......

2 comments:

Shug Mallarky said...

Letter to the Editor

Sir! I sincerely question the veracity of your journalist's story about a man actually getting served in Scotmid. The whole thing sounds frankly, too far-fetched and a cynical attempt to increase this rag's circulation.

The past three weeks I have had real problems getting my copy of The Sunday Times from their shitty emporium up the street from me. Two weeks ago, it was sold out before 2pm and again this week. And last week, there were copies left but all the good stuff had been replaced by Roland White's sub-student magazine drivel. I don't blame this last part on Scotmid but ... oh, fuck it, yes I do.

Please make sure you do a little more research in your stories Satire. I and my family have been buying your publication for many years now. My father bought it and his father before him, even when back then the internet was made of bolted steel and had to be accessed under water by a team of frogmen.

Good day

nursemyra said...

I think Hugh's sister must have a telephone number similar to mine.

I only told him to piss off because I thought he was a drunk Scot. If I'd known he was trying to convey such stratling news I would have been more accommodating