Monday, 26 January 2009

Simple Salmond Says!

In yet another sensational coup by your favourite online news source, starting this week, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond joins The Satire for a new weekly column. In it Alex will be answering all your questions in his own inimitable,  smug, self confident yet overly simplistic style.
Our first question this week comes from a Mr. Jack McConnell from Motherwell who writes:
Dear Alex,
Having left Bute House unexpectedly and in somewhat of a rush, I inadvertently forgot a £50 note and an 18 year old bottle of Talisker behind. It should be in my, er ..your desk, bottom drawer right. Any sign?
Salmond Says: Naw! Next time try flushing the toilet as well ya dick. The stench was rotten. Curry was it?
Q: Dear Mr Salmond,
My Husband and I are on the lookout for a new car. He is keen for something economical, what with the current climate. I have lots of trendy friends, as we live in the West End and therefore need something environmentally friendly to avoid embarrassment at dinner parties. Diesel or Petrol? Mrs Bunty McIver. Glasgow
Salmond Says: Under an SNP led independent Scotland petrol will be 2p per gallon. While we pledge to invent a new engine that runs on coal. 
Q: Look here Mr. Salmond,
Do you seriously believe that an Independent Scotland is either attainable or even viable in the current Globalist trend? The CBI and The Adam Smith institute say no. You're smarter than them are you?  J Paxman. Oxon
Salmond Says: First of all, Good Evening Jeremy. Secondly may I just say how typical this is of anti SNP and anti Scottish bias often displayed by the BBC in London. Thirdly yes and yes again. Problem?!
Q: What's heavier? A ton of lead or a ton of feathers? A. F Uckwit.  Fife
Salmond Says: Ha Ha! You don't catch me out with that old chestnut. Under an SNP led Independent Scotland both a feather and a lump of lead will weigh exactly the same, thus avoiding the old confusion and inequalities of the past.
Q: Dear Mr. S,
My girlfriend and I are about to announce our engagement and are planning a modest reception in a local hotel, probably around May. I understand that some sort of alcoholic refreshment is in order and white wine is the usual tipple. I favour the Chateau Delmond Sauternes 2000. However I am assured by my girlfriend that this is a dessert wine, and will result in a social faux pas akin to a fart in the chapel. She is heart set on the Ch. Malartic Lagraviere 2007, but it's £30 a pop for fucksakes! Any suggestions?  Mr. H. Donald. Edinburgh
Salmond Says: Congratulations! Never fear. SNP to the rescue once more. Under new legislation being rammed through without so much as a 'by your leave' by my colleague and Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill. Sales of alcohol to anyone below the rank of MSP will be outlawed. Starting April. Tesco do nice sparkly juice for 99p.
Q: Alex Salmond,
Before the Scottish elections you promised an extra 500 police on the beat. Now it seems you were talking out your arse. Ditto with your plans to ditch the hated council tax. How's that one coming along? K. Wark.  Glasgow
Salmond Says: Here we fuckin go. Yet again GOOD EVENING! Listen Kirsty. If you get get off your knees and get Jack McConnell's cock out of your gob for a minute you might actually say something worth listening to. Instead of droning on in that patronising nasal drawl of yours boring us all shitless on Newsnight Review. I went to see a film you said was "a supreme and uplifting example of the genre" the other night and it was pish.
How about my money back? Aha, one rule for you and another for everyone else. Stick to flashing your pins love. BTW David Baddiel was much better on Book Quiz. An that's saying something. 

That's all from Alex this week folks. Please leave your comments and questions for Alex and he will endeavour to answer them all in his very own sarcastic manner. 


Anonymous said...

dear mr salmond

Are you someone who believes neo-endogenous growth theory contradicts classic keynesian theory and is in fact contrary to the wilson curve model?

Or are you just a fat smug twat?

M Thatcher, grantham

Anonymous said...

Salmond Says:

I'm sorry you geriatric senile old bat. I can only emphasise that the gap between the two seemingly anti-polar economic concepts has narrowed greatly under the SNP.

nursemyra said...

Is Uckwit a noble old Scottish name then?

Anonymous said...

Salmond Says:

Uckwit or OOkwit is of Norse origin and can be first found on the Ragman's Roll of 1292 when Ulaf F Uckfit an agent of John Baliol signed away Scotland to Edward Plantagenet thinking he was in fact signing for a shipment of oat bannocks for his chain of B&B establishments he ran in Fife.

TRIVIA FACT: Gordon Brown the Prime Minister of the UK is descended from a long line of F. Uckwits on his Mothers side.