(Left:Kaspar Von Furniss test rides
the bicycle 110 years ago)
(Above: Von Furniss's Grandson Olaf Reacts to the news the bicycle is in stock)
A bicycle ordered a century ago by a German immigrant in Edinburgh eventually arrived yesterday. Much to the consternation of the mans descendants.
Mr Olaf Furniss(51) received the news by telephone in his poorly furnished Stockbridge flat yesterday. " I couldn't really take it in at first and wondered what the fuck they were going on about." Furniss told The Satire yesterday evening over a cup of tea without sugar, milk ,or indeed tea, in it. He continued," This annoyingly cheery voice on the other side of the phone announced blithely that the bike was in stock. Fuck me, I thought, that was quick I only ordered it 3 months ago. Surely some mistake. Imagine my consternation when I found out that it was a bike ordered by my grandad before the great war."
Innes MacPedal(17) Manager of The Edinburgh Bike Collective (Formerly Ye Olde Edinburgh Bike Collective: Purveyors of the finest machines to the Discerning Gent) In Bruntsfield, made the following statement. " It only shows the quality of our service that even after all this time we still managed to deliver. Mr. Furniss is now potentially in possession of an antique of great value. Unfortunately this means that the balance he owes us which was previously £1. 5 shillings and thrupence is now £62,522.34p. The matter has been passed to our legal department and I have nothing further to say.Except you know what these boxheads are like. They want everything yesterday, and no sense of humour."
"This is pish." Complained Furniss from his badly insulated and even more poorly furnished flat, as the sherriff's officers removed his bread maker,fondue set, stereo gram, and Demis Roussos record collection. " I can't even get the bike I ordered now. I will have to walk to LiDL to buy my Pumpernickel."
He then branded The Edinburgh Bike Collective "Cunts" and claimed it would never have happened had Hitler won the war.