Friday, 16 January 2009

Andy McNab is Fat Wife From Aberdeen Sensation!

(Below Left: Mrs Geddes 
at home in Torry)
(Right: Heavily Disguised as McNab)

                                                                                                                                                   So called SAS Gulf War Hero, "Author" and any time the forces get mentioned on telly, rent-a-quote Andy McNab. Has been sensationally outed as a portly fishwife from Torry by your favourite online news source.
The Satire tracked down Maureen Geddes(59) to her semi-detached house on the banks of the River Dee where she was badgered relentlessly into giving us an exclusive interview. "I'm just glad a' the pretence is oer wi an I can just be open aboot it ye ken." She sighed with relief in between puffs on her pipe, the aroma of Old Holburn ever present in the air. "It's the lies I've had to tell my own family that have taken the greatest toll on me."
"Fit's she like?"gasped her daughter Jackie(23) incredulously on being confronted with the news. "All they times she never turned up to meet me at the bingo, to think she could have been out raiding embassies, garroting ragheads, training unsavoury foreign regimes how to kill their internal enemies more efficiently, or even marrying a string of peroxide blond bimbos called Kimberly for Queen and country. It doesn't bear thinking aboot." She said, not quite grasping the concept of ghost writing.
Next door neighbour and well known meddlesome ratbag  Agnes MacHag(age undisclosed), ranted " I kent she was up to nae guid in there. Tappin awa on yon word processor day and night. Parcelforce were always leaving deliveries in ma porch for her. They turned oot to be full o' books. Lofty Wiseman, Ray Mears and Tom Weir, ye ken a' yon survival stuff. Then there was specialist stuff on makin bombs an slotting folk etc. But the biggest giveaway was when she started hangin aboot wi that Grant frae Eastenders. Ross Kamp I think his name is. Well he's in the SAS ye ken."
Maureen's husband Bob(60) was always in on the secret though. " I would always have a good laugh to myself whenever they were on the news giving it Andy McNab says this, that and the next thing. If only folk knew the truth. I could hardly keep a straight face when she got her DCM from the Queen. Prince Phillip kept looking at her askance. He almost tumbled at one point when she kept showing him photo's of her grandbairns. That was a close one.
" To think it all started 30 years ago with a couple of short stories to the People's Friend." Explained Mrs. Geddes, peeling tatties." It just snowballed from there. I never thought that Bravo Two Zero would be a success. Funny as it was, it was riddled with inconsistencies and that bastard Michael Asher nearly ruined everything. The hardest thing was TV interviews. Luckily I was always in shadow or wearing one of those balaclava things. Thankfully they would always use the voice of an actor as well. As I can't do an English accent worth shit. Getting time off from the fish factory was always a problem. I was running out of dead relatives. Thank fuck you've exposed me."
The shock news comes after the recent revelation that Sir Ranulph Fiennes is a poofy hairdresser from Leith.
Neither the publishing company nor the MoD were available for comment as they were hugely embarrassed.


charliemingles said...

very amusing sir.

The Satire! said...

Mr. Mingles,

As you are the founding editor and the only other spoof journo we have on this rag, any chance of contributing the odd article now and then? All the better if it's amusing as well.
I do realise you are busy ponce-ing about in a shirt doing a "Job" as you high fallootin people with jobs call it. With your poofy shoes and your namby pamby "wages".

You disgust me.

PS. Lend us a Tenner.

charliemingles said...

Dear Scum

Now that I am making shit loads of cash, I no longer need a sense of humour. So fuck off.

Yours in Christ
C Mingles esq.

PS: are you up for a cup of tea this afternoon at the office?

nursemyra said...

thank fuck you've exposed that.

(you know, Mr Laird, I have always suspected you and Charlie Mingles were one and the same person too)

Tom Laird said...

Not at all.

Mr Mingles is much funnier.

While I am the young good looking one.


Anonymous said...

fat cow.

Yours in Christ

Maureen McGlinchie BDiv.