Sunday, 27 November 2011

Soft Cock Syndrome Now an "Epidemic" In Edinburgh Says Boffin



             
                       (She's not shagging any of them. .... Tragic! Isn't It.)


                                   
                             (Madeley)


(Softcock)


Softcock Syndrome has reached epidemic proportions in Edinburgh and may soon infect the entire Western world claimed a top eggheady boffiny type bloke from his laboratory/office in Herriot Watt University today.
Professor Tom Laird (no relation whatsoever to The Satire Editor Tom Laird) Has spent the better half of the last five years developing his, some would say, controversial theory. " Softcock Syndrome is now an epidemic in Edinburgh, and may soon infect the rest of the western world. I have spent five years developing this theory." He said jabbing his pipe emphatically, in the direction of our science correspondent . He then continued to expand on his theory at length.
"Allow me to expand on my theory at length. Many years ago when women were first allowed to vote. Feminists* began to look for ways of turning the tables on men, whom they saw as a constant enemy that kept trying to shag them, get them to do the dishes and generally clean up after them and that. This just would not do. They formulated a plan in which they would be able to tame men, and so be left alone to watch soap opera's, buy shoes and gossip all day.
They would do this by convincing men that their normal sexual urges were evil and rapey and a bit annoying, and that overall, men should behave more in a sort of , well, "womany" kind of way.
The idea was that through the media they would humiliate, ridicule and condemn masculinity. While, at the same time, they would promote, elevate and Deify femininity. For many years their efforts were unsuccessful. Women who felt the need to associate with men without fear of being pestered for sex all the time had to hang out with gay men. This obviously had a limited appeal. After all, where's the empowerment, or fun, in hanging around with blokes who talk more bitchy bollocks than you do,and don't fancy you so you can't feel good about yourself?

This is when Feminists pulled of their master stroke. In 1990 they invented the "Metrosexual" male.  He dressed well, knew about shoes, curtains, and stuff. He was also able to roar and cry and get in touch with his so called "feminine side". But! Crucially. This is important. He still fancied the pants of you while putting up with your shite. Not to mention rejection after rejection while you got to feel empowered and desired while fucking other guys as the bi-annual notion took you.
The metrosexual, as embodied in that bloke who's married to Judy Finnegan off of the telly, is somewhat out of fashion today but his legacy remains in the NTPMFW. The Non Threatening Platonic Male FuckWit. Or to put it colloquially "The Softcock".

There is no known cure once a man succumbs to the condition and unfortunately it is growing exponentially. The only places that are Softcock free are the former eastern bloc and the third world. Where trouser wearing men can still be found in their wild and natural state."
Professor Laird has since had his funding suspended and is living in hiding.

*See The Satire article "Idiot Calls for Resignation of Oaf"

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

As an extremely sexy, independent, single, leggy, busty blonde woman in her late thirties I want to say how much I find Professor Laird's theory laughable and offensive.
Professor Laird wouldn't be single would he? HAH!! Yes I thought so.
I have plenty of male friends who are all nice and polite and malleable and are not in the least bit interested in shagging me. So there!

God I'm so bored and lonely.(sniff!) Why can't I find a bloke? All the one's I go out with are arseholes. Except my friends...but who the hell wants to shag them? Please help. It's biting the leg off of me. I'm desperate. (Booohooo!!!!) What's the Professor's number?

nursemyra said...

Softcock syndrome? Oh my lord, that sounds lethal

Charlie Mingles said...

As a newly-wed I feel obliged to say what a load of Utter tosh this is sir. My lovely wife is as I type making me an omlette and coffee. And she just did the dishes! Ps: bear grylls on desert island discs at 11.15

The Satire! said...

If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, there is a helpline you can call.

0800-911-999

Day or night our panel of experts that include Dockers, Builders, Cockney Hard cases, Miners and Geordies of all professions but mainly bricklayers, will be there to offer friendly, if not sometimes piss-takey blokey advice.
As Prof. Laird has so painstakingly established, there is no known cure for being a Softcock. But the condition can be arrested and alleviated if diagnosed in time.
Our panel of experts, including hardened drinkers that make E.Hemingway and Charles Bukowski look like shandy drinking poofs, will arrange for you to take part in some manly pursuits that should help restore some of your lost dignity.
Hunting, Fishing, Drinking, Bare knuckle boxing, Brothel crawls and other Cock-out activities will be arranged for you at no extra charge. Perhaps you'd like to spend the day on a scaffold platform of a building site wolf whistling at hapless big titted young ladies on their way to buy shoes. Your wish is our command.
So do you find yourself on a night out in platonic female company? Nursing a semi erection whilst desperately trying not to look at their tits, and laughing at their shite jokes? Are you fed up pretending that you find conversations about Jimmy Choo's and Ikea riveting?
Then call the number NOW!
0800-911-999

Yes that's 0800-911-999

Or order a copy of Prof. Laird's earlier work of genius, the incredible "Tell Her To Fuck Off!"
Special offer price of £20 plus p&p to our first 50 callers.

Anonymous said...

Another work of staggering genius by the big-cocked manly genius himself. I've got all of his albums too!

G Greer, Queensland

The Satire! said...

Thank you Germaine. I would love to return the compliment vis a vis The Female Eunuch. Unfortunately I thought it was a big pile of shite.

PS. You left your knickers under my bed.

duncanr said...

'soft cock syndrome' ?

Jeez. thank gawd I left Edinburgh before coming down wi' this !