Santa Claus Branded Paedo by Police

Police raided the North Pole home of rotund Winter Festival celebrity Father Christmas this morning and seized his computer, toys and around 40 tonnes of children's letters.

"We've been aware of Mr Claus' suspicious behaviour for a while now and decided to act before it was too late," said Chief Inspector Alastair Witchunt from The North Pole Constabulary.

"From encouraging kids to send him letters - 'Saville-style', to turning up unannounced in children's bedrooms in the dead of night and most damning of all, deciding who gets a reward based on whether they've been a 'good little boy or girl' - using his own ambiguous and unexamined criteria, of course. It's textbook grooming behaviour."

Defending Mr Claus, Head Elf Sebastian T Laird told us," This really is taking the f**king piss. What the F**K do they think they're playing at, the daft c**ts?! The power has gone to their f**king heads. This is our busiest time of year as well. Stupid c**ts. Well, f**k them, f**k them all. No presents for them this year. They're getting sweet f**k all!"

Police estimate that Claus' behaviour could date back centuries, making even the late Jimmy Saville look like a rank amateur in the paedophile stakes.

New for ITV1 in 2013!

(Pictured: Robson Green as Dr Tony Parsley.)

Coming Soon to ITV1 - Parsley & Sage

From the team who brought you the hugely popular "Rosemary & Thyme" now comes ... Parsley & Sage.

Tony Parsley is an occult herbalist. Theodora Huffington Sage is a wise wiccan woman and pagan astrologist. Together they solve crimes. Mainly missing persons and divorce cases.

Starring Robson Green and Caroline Quentin. 

Speaking exclusively to 'The Satire' relaxing on set between takes, star of the show Robson Green told us, "What they do is pretty routine work to be honest. I mean, at best they'll get a brief sense of achievement when they catch an unfaithful husband. But it's quickly replaced by the realisation that another marriage is now over. And what about the poor kids? Plus, everyone knows missing persons cases rarely end well ..."

To be frank, it's all thoroughly draining and depressing stuff. I'm on tranquilisers now. And my GP is pretty sure it's all down to filming this series."

"The thing is - it was all going so fucking well. I've just got re-married. We've got a new baby on the way. We've just moved into a lovely new home with a beautiful garden. And there are all of these great local amenities for the older kids. For the first time in years my ex-wife and I are on really good terms and her and Jenny get on like sisters!"

"But it's all turned to shit now, since I've been working on this show."

"Don't write this bit down, but I've started drinking again. And seeing prostitutes.  I pay them to humiliate me. It's the only way I can find any sort of peace from the screaming despair that now prowls around my head 24/7. Please help me. For the love of Christ, please help me!"

Parsley & Sage. Sunday nights. ITV1. 9pm.

(Viewers please note: the opportunity for the above-named characters to demonstrate, discuss or display any occult, wiccan, magic or supernatural powers, visions or extra-sensory perceptions of any kind is not utilised in any of the storylines, visuals, sub-plots or peripherals of this series - merely in the title itself.)

Another Unique! Reader Offer from Your Super Soaraway Satire!

Partridge On ... Cartridge!

"Hello, I'm TV's Alan Partridge and it was whilst lying here in my hospital bed recovering from a rather nasty fall that I first re-discovered my enormous love of The Cartridge."

"It was while listening to the Hospital Radio station here that I first had the idea. It really was shit. I mean, absolutely diabolical. The guy really didn't know how to 'link and chat, link and chat' and I thought to myself, 'I could ruddy well do that!' "

"I said to myself, 'we've got one of the nations very best broadcasters lying here unused while that ... Useless shit, pollutes the airwaves with his ... Shit."

"I mean, most of them are on heavy medication anyway, so you could pump any old rubbish in through the cans and they wouldn't even notice. But it did get me thinking back to my own early start in hospital radio all those years ago."

"And here's the point I was coming to - we had to play the music from cartridges back then - 8-track cartridges. None of your fancy digital whatsits and whatnots. Just you, the contents of your head, a well-thumbed copy of Giles Brandreth's pocket puns and your music cartridges  ..."

"They really are a marvellous little invention. Whether used to store a rockin' good Wings or Rod Stewart album, or as the robust outer-housing for your trusty dot matrix printer ink - they really are quite quite wonderful little things."

"So join me as I enter the fascinating little world of the cartridge! In 'Partridge On ... Cartridge' "

"Sunday nights, 9pm. BBC One. Prime time. Full details to be confirmed. I mean, it'll definitely be on the Beeb somewhere .."

Only available through mail-order. See ad below for details.
Please Note - This series is only currently available on 8-track cartridge.

Unique! New! Promotional Opportunity for Lucky Satire Readers

 

Partridge On ... Cartilige

Having fallen 3000 feet from Scarfell Pick in his last pilot, award-winning Broadcaster Alan Partridge OBE (Honour removed) was rushed to the local hospital for emergency surgery ...

Despite being in enormous pain and doped up to the eyeballs on morphine, Alan's natural-born film-making instincts kicked in and luckily for his army of loyal fans he filmed the whole thing on his mobile phone - hoping someone might pick it up for Prime-time TV.

And until that happens, you can still join Alan for this unique 12-part documentary as he talks about one of his latest passions in this stunning new series.

Read on for a sneak preview, as Alan bravely begins filming as the ambulance men stretcher him into the Accident & Emergency Unit of Norwich General Hospital ...

ALAN: I'm Alan Partridge. And you may not know this, but I have always been fascinated by Cartilage - the, ooh how could I put it, the flexible connective tissue found in many areas in the bodies of humans and other animals, including the joints between bones, the rib cage, the ear, the nose, the bronchial tubes and the intervertebral discs."

AMBULANCE MAN: Try not to speak please, Mr Partridge. Just keep breathing into the oxygen mask. That's right.

ALAN: So come with me now on a journey into the world of the fascinating world - of the Cartilage!"

SECURITY GUARD: Sorry Mate, you can't film in here.

ALAN: Oh for fuck's sa - ...Ow! Cartilige!



Be one of the first lucky readers to own this unique and fascinating series on high-quality stereo video cassette*.

Currently only available by mail-order.

(See The North Norfolk Free Advertiser, back-page classified ads for glorious full colour details.)

* DVD copies also available for a hefty additional charge.

TV Preview - Coming Soon for Winter 2013

Alan Partridge On Alan's Part-ridge

Alan Partridge presents his novel new chat show from a ledge 3000 feet up Scarfell Pike.

Publicising the show for local radio Alan quickly moved to scotch rumours that this was merely the last act of a very desperate man. 

Speaking from high atop his ridge (Alan's Part-ridge - TM) he told reporters, "I think you'll find, mate, that it's not technically a suicide attempt if it has a highly viable new tv format attached. And this one certainly has that. In bloody ... spades. It's a blinking blinder."

"I mean, Okay. At worst this could be classed as a cry for help. Don't write that bit down!!"

"But no, it's not that. It's quite simply a bold and innovative new experiment in TV chat. From Alan Partridge."

Coming Soon to Channel 162. 3AM Tuesdays and Thursdays. Subscription deal only.

Patrick Moore Latest Victim of Hoax Phone Calls

(Above - Sir Patrick Moore yesterday)

The Astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was yesterday found dead at his home, suspected to be the latest victim of the Australian phone hoax craze that is sweeping the world.

Moore, who was found by his Guatemalan assistant Gunther gruben-Furer Von Bismark early yesterday morning, is thought to have suffered a delayed reaction from the call, which he received in 1973.

'Ve believe ze Fuhrer, I mean, ze Master, I mean Mr Moore, received ze call in ze late afternoon uf ze 17th of August nineteen hoondred OONT seventy tree. It was a wrong number, but I huff reason to believe that ze accent was definitely of an Antipodean bent. Ya Voll."

It is thought that it took almost 40 years for the shock of the call to fully work it's way through Sir Patrick's system.

Mr Moore's GP, Herr Reich Chancellor Heinrich Schlupperhauffer 'Call me Dave' Grupen Machtergreifung, told us,

" Ya, eet ees thought that eet has taken at least 40 of your puny human years for ze shock to hif vorked eets way through Mr Moore's system. Ya Voll. Heil Moore!"

Sir Patrick leaves behind a telescope, xylophone, a complete signed mint-condition 'Hogan's Heroes' boxed set collection and 800 copies of 'Hefty Helga' Naturist magazine (1960-1983)

It's a Knockout Death Penalty Re-instated

The government has today has given in to mounting pressure to impose stricter penalties on the increasing number of 1970's Radio and TV personalities being implicated in sex scandals.

Home Secretary Teresa May speaking to The Satire this morning said the government had now moved swiftly to bring in strong additional deterent measures. And from midnight tonight the 'It's a Knockout ' Death Penalty will be imposed on any and all 1970's Radio and TV personalities found guilty of appearing in the tabloids or on Twitter accused of any sort of sex act.

Mrs May told The Satire,"We're not waiting anymore until they've been found 'Guilty' by a 'Court of Law' using 'Fair and Judicial Practice in Accordance with Centuries of Legal Precedent and Magna Carta' or any of that poncy euro-bollocks!"

"As soon as they're accused, it's straight to the prison cells and summary execution the very next morning. It's the only way to deal with these sort of vile beasts in a United Kingdom known throughout the World to be the Very Beating Heart of Democracy."

"And this is the only civilised way to protect that democracy and the subjugates, I mean subjects ... sorry 'people' who serve her, I mean live here, I mean, you know, what are they called ... the punters. Yes, we've really thought this one through and it's the best and fairest policy for all."

Further details of the new law were announced this morning. The perpetrator will be be released from the prison onto a piece of waste ground in Belgium dressed in a giant penguin costume and carrying two pails of water. They will then have to navigate a series of hilarious obstacles such as a giant inflatable water-slide filled with soapy bubbles, and inflatable tunnels & bouncy castles. Once they reach the end of the course any remaining water left in their pails will be measured by Eddie Waring and donated to charity.

They will then be shot through the back of the head by The Prime Minster, David Cameron -  who, to soften the blow (as it were) will be dressed in a Mr Blobby costume.

"We're still deciding on the choice of music to play during the execution," said the Home Secretary. "But it'll have to be something light and fun. After all, when you're shooting someone through the back of the head on a piece of Belgian waste-ground, the whole thing can very easily turn into a bit of a downer ...eh, so I'm told ..."

The Satire believes the choice of music will either be 'Bang Bang' by BA Robertson or, to appease the Belgians, 'Ca Plane Pour Moi' by Plastic Bertrand.

"After all we are, effectively, murdering un-tried British citizens in their cuntry (Please note, Home Secretary's own spelling - ed)  And, technically, without their permission. And as you know Charles, in the modern Tory Party we are all about the compromise."

When asked whether the event will be televised in front of a live audience, the Home Secretary told us, "Don't be preposterous. This is a a matter of serious legal procedure and not something to be taken lightly. We may invite along some DJ's and some lucky local kids - and of course Sky have shown some interest. But it'll all be done in very good taste."

AN APOLOGY FOR THE APOLOGY

The Satire! TM  Once gain find ourselves in the embarrassing position of having to issue an apology.

In a previous apology we erroneously stated that our top correspondent Mr. Charles Mingles esq was 49 years old and a buffty.

Mr. Mingles is of course rampantly heterosexual as his lovely wife (female) and neighbours will testify.

This is completely untrue and we of course offer a weary sorry to Mr. Mingles, his family, and his fictional lover.

We also issue an unreserved apology to cock jockeys in general for any offence caused.

This information was compiled by a contributor who came highly recommended to us from the BBC's Flagship current affairs programme Newsnight.

He has since been sacked and we wish him every success at his new position at The Guardian.

Loyal Orange Lodge of Scotland Pledge Allegiance to AntiChrist

Members on a recent fun run in aid of domestic violence victims. LOL

Following the recent announcement by their Royal Highnessesssess The Duke and Duchess of Kent that they are about to give birth to The Son of Perdition. 

The Grand Orange Lodge of Scotland grand Master, Mr William Drumcree has been the first to pledge their allegiance.

"LET US BE THE FIRST TO SWEAR OUR ETERNAL ALLEGIANCE!!! LOL" Bellowed the Grand Master of the order. "NO SURRENDER TO THE FORCES OF KING JAMES, NEIL LENNON, DANIEL O'DONNELL, AND POTPOURRI. LOL" He continued to rant in the face of our reporter.

Asked whether the Loyal Orange Lodge ,LOL, would find a contradiction in this given their "biblical" stance on things Mr. Drumcree replied, 

"THE LOYAL ORANGE LODGE, LOL, SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS PROVIDING HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY MAKES NO ATTEMPT TO MARRY A CATHOLIC, OR PREVENT US MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE PLACE PLAYING FLUTES ETC. LOL. OH AND BY THE WAY I DO NOT FIND THE ABBREVIATING OF OUR ORDER'S NAME TO THE TERM LOL REMOTELY FUNNY. OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MAYBE A BURNING CHAPEL. THE LOL WILL MARCH UP AND DOWN BANGING DRUMS AND KEEPING AWAKE ANYONE WHO DOES SO. SOME MISGUIDED MEMBERS MAY EVEN ROUGH YOU UP. SO BE WARNED!!!! LOL!"

The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Marcus Welby (56) has also confirmed that this would pose no difficulties for the C of E.

"The C of E have no difficulties with the ascension to the throne of the Prince of Darkness. We are a broad church here and as long as he doesn't try to ordain a Buffty bishop or put a stop to the true work of the church, ie. coffee mornings, garden fetes, toddler groups etc. I'm chillaxed about it. Amen!"

AN APOLOGY

Our top correspondent Mingles during his recent mental meltdown  precipitating his subsequent hiatus

The Editorial team at The Satire! find ourselves in the embarrassing position of issuing an unreserved apology. 

In a recent article we reported that Mr. Mingles is 50 years old. This is of course inaccurate and we are profoundly sorry. 

Mr. Mingles is in fact only 49, and we can only extend our deepest and sincerest apology for any offence caused to him, his family, his family's family, his friends, their friends, their friends and family their family's friends, any mutual friends of their friends and families, (That's enough friends and family. Ed) and anyone who may be associated in any way shape or indeed form with any of the aforementioned.

We especially extend a heartfelt apology to his handsome wife/husband Raymond, A flight attendant on Auld Scotia airways, who Charles married in a civil partnership on Grand Canaria earlier this year. We wish them every happiness.

The Satire! pride ourselves on the unerring accuracy and meticulously researched quality of our reportage. Therefor we finally apologise to you our reader for letting you down.

Duchess of Kent Gives Birth to Antichrist

An Annoucement from St James Palace, From the Desk of Their Royal Highnesses, The Duke & Duchess of Kent

The Duke and Duchess of Kent are proud to announce the forthcoming birth of the Antichrist, The Great Counterfeiter, Satan  (Hebrew: הַשָּׂטָן ha-Satan, "the opposer"), Shaitan, Beelzebub. Although Wills & Kate thought Henry for a boy or Victoria for a girl sounded catchier.

Lucifer, The Great Beast, will be spewed into the world on Christmas Eve by blunt Caesarian Section in wry mocking of the Holy Season and the celebrations of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And the Waters shall Runneth with Blood. And there Shall be Great Famine, Dis-ease and Pestilence. And there Shall be Fucketh-all on telly worth watching, as usual.

Our First Born Son, Heir to the Throne of England and all of her Colonies, Abomination of Desolation & The Great Whore of Babylon shall take his throne almost immediately, after opening his Anti-Christ-Mass presents and the traditional festive turkey with all the trimmings; before setting forth upon a ten-thousand-year reign of terror and disorder to strike fear and sickening dread into the heart of good Christian men and women across the Land.

Cya! Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya!

Luv Wills & Kate
xxx


The Antichrist's proclamation will go ahead instead of the usual Queen's Speech on Christmas Day afternoon.

(Except for viewers in Scotland, who have their own programmes.)

Some other programmes in the schedule following The Apocalypse may be delayed, although the Strictly Come Dancing On Ice Christmas Special will go ahead as planned.