Thursday, 18 December 2008

Scottish Division to be Amalgamated

(Above: The New IFV  MACV10)

(Left: Pvt Col. F. Douglas in the ceremonial
garb of the newly formed regiment)

Old soldiers were furious yesterday at the news that the Scottish Division is to be downsized even further in a sweeping new defence cut anounced by the government .
In a massive shake up of the existing structure, The Royal Regiment of Scotland is to be reduced down to one soldier. The new regiment will be known as the 1st Bn The Queen's Ownly Highlander and is to be based in a Portakabin in Edinburgh Castle Esplanade.
The regiments only soldier, Frankie Douglas from Partick, is to be given the new rank of Private Colonel in keeping with the rigours of the regiment's new role. Pvt Col. Douglas will be responsible for administration and discipline within the new formation as well as having to execute the ordinary everyday duties expected of a modern infantry soldier. To reduce costs even further Pvt Col. Douglas will have to feed and equip himself at his own expense, although on the receipt of this news many old soldiers have remarked "What the fuck's new?" The MOD have however managed to negotiate a deal with ASDA/Wal-Mart where the new regiment will be given a 10% discount on all work related products including tins of beans, spam, corned beef, own brand tea/coffee and  DPM combat gear from George. The Soldier will also be expected to fuck himself about on a regular basis.
A top Army Head Shed, Brigadier General Sir Alan Empty Uniform-Smyth OBN* gave The Satire his thoughts on the new arrangements. "Well you know it's always been my view that the traditional set up of the Army has always been the best one and I have made my views about these disgraceful and dangerous defence cuts absolutely clear". He said, covering his arse. Asked whether he or any of his fellow officers planned to resign their commisions in protest over the cuts the Brigadier coughed and spluttered, looked at his watch and said ," Good Lord! Is that the time? I must be getting on up to the mess. I have every confidence in the ability of our brave chap to cope with whatever challenges he will face." With that he stood up, saluted then about turned and walked into a cupboard.
The news of the amalgamation comes on the heels of a revelation that the new regiment is to be deployed to Afghanistan early next year. He will be the first unit to be equipped with the recently unveiled state of the art Armoured Personnel Carrier. The much touted AFV MACV 10, Kevlar 18 speed Mountain Bike with front mounted basket. Able to carry 5 kilos of groceries or even ammunition. Top MOD boffins have described the new vehicle as "The Rolls Royce of modern armoured infantry transport". Soldiers carrying out trials of the prototype at Warminster and BATUS earlier this year described it as "a pile of shite!"
Pvt Col. Douglas was unavailable for comment as he was beasting himself up the Pentland hills.

*Order of the Brown Nose


Anonymous said...

an outrage sir

monty mountbatten mbe (deceased)

nursemyra said...

I'll help Private Colonel Douglas fuck himself about

Anonymous said...

A Kind offer Nursie.

We shall certainly pass it on to the gallant gentleman.
Rumors abound, however, that he in fact bowls from the pavilion end.
Giving a whole new meaning to the term "Camp Followers".

Toodle Pip!!