Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Violent Criminal to Sue Kenny MacAskill

                     (Right: MacAskill: Some animals more equal than others)

(Left: DC Thomson threatening our reporter)

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP(50) is to be sued in conjunction with the Home Office by multiple killer and Glasgow underworld hard man, D.C " It wisnae me" Thomson.
D.C (54) , also known as "The Claimant" due to his habit of claiming everything from several lives to The Dole and disability, was a one time associate of the East Ends infamous toy wielding thugs The Kraze Twins. The nature of Mr Thomson's complaint against the Home office and in Particular Mr. MacAskill are twofold.
  1. That the Home office and the Justice secretary are violating Thomson's human rights by putting him in prison.
  2. That most of Mr. Thomson's crimes were committed under the influence of cheap alcohol, and that if The Justice secretary had introduced his draconian drinking laws sooner, Thomson would not be where he is today.
Speaking from very plush Legal Aid financed offices in Edinburgh, Thomson's lawyer, Donald Farquhar Q.C of Shyster, Farquhar and Charlatan , made the following statement.
" Mr. Thomson is just another victim here. The real problem is the system which allowed my client to get violently drunk in the first place. What is also a national disgrace is the conditions my client has to put up with. It is bad enough that they have taken away his liberty, it is further insult to injury that he is kept locked up in a prison all day every day as well. What kind of world are we leaving our children, when an innocent violent criminal can have his freedom curtailed like this?" Mr Farquhar(50) then lit up a Cuban cigar with a £100 note and laughed as he examined a huge pile of Legal Aid applications on his desk.
Thomson's reign of fear came to an end 5 years ago when he was convicted of the murder of Glasgow Off Licence worker Cheryl McLaughlin, her entire family and anyone who knew them. Miss McLaughlin had refused to sell the violent head case a carry out on the grounds that the shop was no longer open. If Thomson succeeds in his bid, it will be his 4th victory in 5 years. Previous claims include:
  • £150,000 for not giving him a cell with a nice view
  • £50,000 for forcing him to associate with criminals
  • £55,000 for having been provided with the wrong colour curtains that really fucked with his feng shui
  • £35 to have his clothes dry cleaned from the blood of fellow inmate Wullie " ten bob" Campbell
This comes as another blow to the Scottish Justice Minister who's tenure has been blighted by extremely unpopular policies. A spokesman for the Minister Donald Davidson(39) issued this statement to The Satire.
" This tragic case only goes to highlight the importance of stopping supermarkets selling booze to ordinary plebs. Had Miss McLaughlin's off licence shop not been selling Carlsberg special brew at Six cans for £4.00 she would still be alive and Mr. MacAskill would be out of a lucrative job....erm ..well....I mean.. eh...sorry...erm.. I didn't think this one through."
Former Left Wing firebrand Kenny MacAskill, who instantly realised Socialism was bollocks the minute he was offered the £92,000 per year plus expenses position, was unavailable for comment as he was getting pished at a football match.


Anonymous said...

It's always the bloody same with these lefties. The minute they smell the cash, all their principles go out the window.

Derek Hatton


Anonymous said...

I never follow Scottish politics as it is dull and parochial. PLus I fucking live there anyway. But if I did, I feel sure I would find this piece hilarious. Keep up the (probably very) good work.

A Salmond esq.