(Left: Our Science corespondent
Checks the data)
(Below: If only......)
From our Science Corespondent Miss Honey Bunns Phd
Top Boffins at Herriot Watt University have concluded that Ultimate Frisbee, the popular sport played by ultra alpha fuck wits, is almost 100% more annoying than its more tedious counterpart.
The blatantly obvious results were confirmed by The Satire's science correspondent late last night( another late night for me and the lovely Miss Bunns. Ed.), as well as everyone else who has ever had a 14 stone dickhead ruining their day.
"Ultimate", as it is known to it's participants, is a limited contact team sport played with a 175 gramme flying disc, and was invented in 1968 by Joel Silver and some student mates from Columbia University in an attempt to prove their cocks were bigger than anyone else. The sport takes place in any busy public recreation area, such as a park or beach, and points are scored in accordance with which teams cause the most annoyance, and inflicts the most casualties on innocent bystanders. Players must also have a pair of Oakleys permanently riveted to the top of their head.
The sport is now played internationally, although participants are encouraged to shout banal Americanisms such as, "Woooo!!" "Alright!!! Yeah!!! Hell Yeah!!! Owned!! And to do that idiotic dance where you stir a big imaginary cauldron with both hands.
Despite the macho posturing it has now also been conclusively proved that male competitors of Ultimate have on average a much smaller penis than a prepubescent boy. It's likely that the original inventors of the sport were big fearties who couldn't take part in other normal contact sports. High instances of gayness,hairdressing, a penchant for fashion and flower arranging have also been recorded.
The news will come as a shock to most Ultimate players both male and female who reckoned they were granite.
Australian aficionado Jett McLachlan told The Satire. " Aww mate take yer hand off it. You wouldn't say that if you just had your nose skinned by an off target throw. Any Idea how many toddlers I've killed? How many cyclists I have personally flattened? How many picnics I have put an abrupt end to?No? Yee well rack off then mate." He then flashed what appeared to be a chipolata smuggled in his pants then back flipped and moon walked away.
Another version of the game, known as Intense Ultimate, has been developed for those intent on irritating other people within a more confined space.