Friday, 6 March 2009

"Jesus Was Scottish". Claims Half Arsed Theologian

(Left: Dr. Beckford in the Gorbals)

                                 (Right: Our 'Artist's' Impression of Jesus at the Last Supper)

Jesus came from The Gorbals. That's the official verdict of a contraversial Anglo/Carribean theologian in his new book and TV special "The Gorbals According To Christ".
Dr. Robert Beckford who spent hours researching the theory that he now claims to be conclusive told The Satire " There can be absolutely no doubt now that the Gospels were probably wrong and that our Lord and saviour was in fact maybe a soapdodger. All the circumstantial evidence tends to suggest that he could have been a Wegie and that he was most definitely possibly born in The Gorbals. This will rock traditional Christianity to it's foundations.
Dr. Beckford gained his PhD in Creative Theology at the University of Birmingham. He is no stranger to contention, previously bringing the edifice of Orthodox Christianity crashing to the ground six times with his previous theories that included:
  • Jesus: The Unmistakable Iraqi Origins
  • Christ: I'm a Deity get me out of here(The Undeniable Early Jamaican Years)
  • Jesus the Muslim
  • Goodness Gracious Me- ssiah: How our Lord ended up in India.
  • Christ of the Antarctic
  • The Jesus Myth: How the Aboriginals Invented Catholicism
"This only goes to show that Dr. Beckford can't seem to decide what he believes or why." Claimed the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone from Glastonbury where he was being initiated into the Golden Dawn society. "However what's important here is not to get caught up in a lot of doctrinal doggy doo about Jesus's nationality and to concentrate on the central Christian message of keeping me in a job."
The Dreadlocked academic hit back at his detractors with what he claimed was irrefutable evidence for his thesis. "I met a guy in a pub in the Calton and he swore it was true. If that wasn't enough, we have the documented Gospels of Partick Prophet William Of Connolly, written around 1976 CE. In which he describes in detail and with great humour the true story of Jesus. To this day in Glasgow, names like Mary, Joseph, Paul, John, Peter and Shug are very common. There is even a distinctly Middle Eastern looking temple in the middle of the Gorbals to this day.Explain that one. How any one can claim that a bunch of stories sometimes written up to 20 years after the events can be relied upon, I just don't know.
Neither Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens would comment as they weren't giving a fuck.


Anonymous said...

I can't remember Jesus doing much showering in the bible. Maybe he's on to something


Anonymous said...

He did however wash people's feet and have his feet washed himself. I feel this alone blows the theory out of the water.

Mel Gibson

Los Angeles

nursemyra said...

Time for another post darlin'