Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Campaign To Bring Back Ducking Stool Underway


(Left:The Ducking stool put to use on Common Scold)
(Right: Mr Drial heavily disguised)

An Edinburgh Man is campaigning for the return of The Ducking Stool.
Tom Drial(42),who counts John Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women as one of his favourite holiday reads. Has been lobbying his MP, MSP and The Scottish Parliament for the reimplementation of the device for 5 years now."Let's be clear. We done away with this thing hundreds of years ago and where has it gotten us? Loose Women, that's where. The afternoon TV show I mean. Not the other kind. I'm rather partial to them." Mr. Drial, who's toilet seat is nailed permanently in an upright position, told The Satire! " It may seem cruel and antiquated but those are only two of the advantages. As well as being a punishment it can provide great mirth and delight to countless stressed out men. Fit looking birds could also be made to wear a thin white T-shirt that would go see through when she is ducked. It really is multi faceted. 
Tom Drial who looks uncannily like The Editor of an online satirical magazine is to stranger to controversey. Only last month he was awarded the freedom of the City of Riyadh by King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz for "Services to Manfulness". Only to have it rescinded two weeks later when it was discovered Drial had driven a bulldozer through a felafel shop in support of Israel's invasion of Lebanon. Embarrassingly for Drial and the Israelis it later transpired the shop was not even run by Arabs. Drial sent a letter of apology to King Abdullah explaining he'd been "pished oot his nut" at the time. This only enraged the King even further and a fatwa was issued. The Mossad are also on his case. Lothian and Borders Police put a round the clock watch on Tom but he pissed them off by constantly referring to two WPCs as "love", refusing to take the nails out the toilet seat and regularly demanding that they make him cups of tea while trying to get in their pants. The team pulled out.
Mr Drial has also compiled a list of crimes for which the ducking stool could be used along with appropriate punishments. The List includes:
  • Common Scoldery:                                                             Three Ducks of 1 minute each.
  • Fishwivery:                                                                     One Duck            1 min
  • Meddlesome Ratbaggery:                                               Three                    1 min
  • Burning my dinner:                                                         Four                     2 min
  • Gasbaggery:                                                                   Two                      1 min
  • Buying me the wrong present for my birthday when I've banged on for a Bastard year about that putter I wanted:
Drownded, revived by being slapped in the face with said John Knox masterpiece then drownded again.
We at The Satire put it to Mr. Drial, who is surprisingly single, that he was being slightly misogynistic what with this being modern times but he chuckled and disagreed. " Not at all, I'm a big softcock really. I always hold in my farts in bed with a woman and whenever a household appliance breaks down I always get her a new one."
The scheduled march through the streets of Edinburgh by thousands of supporters was canceled today when their wives wouldn't let them go.
         

4 comments:

nursemyra said...

Can we see Mr Drial without the texta?

Tom Laird said...

I'm afraid not nursie. We here at The Satire pride ourselves on the protection of our source.

Besides, he's better looking disguised.

charliemingles said...

okay - maybe one last very amsuing post. youre wasted in the world of obstetric gynaecology dr laird. even if your grammar and punctuation are absolutely shite.

Gay Mandy from Wallasey said...

I agree. More dunked women, please.