ADVERTISING FEATURE

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But Wait!! We hear you whimper. "I'm an Invertebrate softcock. A spineless goon of a manhole who long ago lost any ability to stand up for myself. I couldn't possibly do that. Besides...isn't it illegal?

NO! It bloody well isn't. Not yet anyway. Chapter by chapter and page by page with stunning illustrations, let Dr. Laird (University Of Nigeria) guide you through the liberating process of regaining your manhood, your dignity and your bank account.

LEARN. The forgotten art of Telling Her to Fuck Right Off!! In 16 Languages including : English, German,French, Japanese, Mandarin, Fujian, Gaelic, Serbo-Croat, Mongolian, Sindebele, Kiswahili and San Bushman.

GRASP. The skills and sheer chutzpah needed to Tell Her to Fuck Right Off!! In those delicate situations such as:

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! At the Altar in front of her assembled family and idiot friends.

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she needs 10 Grand for Tit surgery.

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she has the cancer and looks like Anne Widdecombe's Gran.

Tell Her to Fuck Right Off! When she's six months up the duff.

Yes! It's all here. For the paltry sum of £25.00 plus £2.99 for no other reason other than we just thought it up. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR LIFE BACK. Lovingly bound in the cheapest compressed cardboard and beautifully adorned in a photo pilfered off the internet, THTFRO will brighten up your bookshelf or porn pile and be the talk of your local neighborhood watch harridans .

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Print off and tear.

Dear The Satire,

Please rescue me from my life of utter shite and drudgery by rushing me a copy of the excellent Tell Her to...In a plain package preferably to a single mate's house as the missus/ girlfriend will fuckin kill me if she finds out.

I enclose £27.99 in postal orders as again she can't find out about it.

FALSE NAME..............................

MATE'S ADDRESS...............................

POST CODE.............................

MOBILE NUMBER...........................

Thanks Lads.

2010 Already Pretty Shite

(Below: Our artists impression

of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.

Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."

All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.

In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.

In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.

And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.

"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."

Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.

New Social Network "Shitter" Launched

(Above: The Ideal Shitter set up as favoured by Stephen Fry)

Geeks, pedants and trainspotters worldwide are cock-a-hoop today as a brand new pointless social networking site is launched.

Sitting Happily In The Toilet Existentially Remonstrating or Shitter to it's fans, went online at 06:00 GMT accompanied by a mass band of Tubas playing ELP's Fanfare for the Common Man. In honour of the auspicious occasion. The singer and song writer Kate Melua released a special Edition of her hit single,This is the Closest Thing to Crazy, on which she farts out the tune by placing one hand in her armpit, flapping her opposite elbow frantically. No mean feat to achieve, let alone describe without footage.

First to sign up was well known polymath,wit and huffy twat Stephen Fry. " Oh I know all the Jeremiah's and Luddites out there will be throwing up there hands in despair saying 'oh whats the bloody point', but I for one can tell them it's tremendous fun and highly informative. Certainly not as nasty and vindictive as Twitter."

Stephen as a wit and Shitter, or Shitwit as they are known. Hopes to Shite at least twenty times a day. A typical example could look like this:

07:45 GMT . Morning Shitters. Just logging on and out...haha...regular as clockwork me...NNnnngggg..Ahhhhh...bit solid this morning...to much....Nnggggggg roughage I fear..I notice Gordon Brown...NNNnnnnnnn...CCCHhhrist!!! ...Oh bother there's somebody at the door.

08:01 GMT . Back again...Bloody postman..here we go...maybe this time...Aaaaaarrrgghhh NNNNNggg...Jesus the unholy stench.....I really must purchase some laxative...at my age it's ... UUUUUUUUUgghhhhh..God help me.... feels like a bowling ball....I see Westminster Abbey has a new....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHh.....At last...sweet relief....Fuck..forgot to buy bog roll...have to do the penguin walk to the kitchen now. Back soon.

Following Stephen's endorsement other celebrities are queuing up to keep the world appraised of their bowel movements, interspersed with plops of rapier sharp social comment.

I know this reporter has signed up to Lily Allen's. Hopefully there's a webcam.

Meerkat Does Something.

(Left: Our artist's impression of the alleged occurrence)

(Right: Meerkat in more familiar looking around nervously mode)

A Glasgow man "couldnae fuckin believe it" , when he went away from his television set for a minute to have a pish and something allegedly happened.

Frankie Douglas(31) an electrician from Partick had been half way through his umpteenth boring episode of The BBC's Meerkat Diaries when he decided it was fairly safe to go for slash.

" I was half way through my umpteenth boring episode when I thought 'Fuck this bollocks I'm gonnae have a pish'. I just lobbed oot ma boaby an started to pee when my girlfriend Mags started shouting an bawling an doin her nut. 'Hurry up! Wan ae yon rats is daen somethin.' Of course I thought she was kidding me on. But she swears blind that wan ae thae we bastards done somethin unusual the minute ma back was turned. Fuckin typical. Hour after bastard hour of watching the we cunts daein nine tenths of shag all, an the split second a look away somethin supposedly happened. Thank fuck I don't pay ma licence fee."

Sir Richard Attenborough(103) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " I know fuck all about Meerkats, sorry luvvy, I think you should Speak to my brother."

Sir David Attenborough(101) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " Holy Jesus! Meerkats! Don't talk to me about Meerkats. I've got the bastards coming out my arse. If you think watching them is a cunt. Try filming the twats. I'd wipe them out. Thank fuck I don't pay my licence fee."

The Satire is offering a free years subscription to anyone with any evidence of Meerkats doing anything other than running about furtively , eating an insect, or looking around the place.

Modern Police Force - Raymond Mearns Des Clarke

Obama Wins X Factor Bombshell!

Every cunt and his dog, including The US President, and Bo were completely bamboozled to discover that the leader of the free world was this years X Factor Winner.

"I'm completely Obamaboozled by this", said the White House's 44th incumbent before an equally flummoxed press corps. "For the life of me I can't even remember taking part. Nevertheless I accept the award on behalf of myself and the American people and pledge to continue winning prizes for competitions that I have not entered. God Bless Amnesia."

Asked how the fuck this could have happened by the rest of the X Factor's over confident egotistical twats, creator and host Simon Cowell explained." We realise that Mr. Obama can't sing, dance or stick a weird object up his cock, and fully appreciate the actuality he didn't get to the final or even enter or take part in any way. But the fact remains he is just the kind of guy who would win it if he had any talent or was in any way inclined towards doing any of those things. He has all the right ingredients. He is dynamic, black, confident, black, a Democrat, black and of course to top it all off he's black. Anyway have you seen his stand up comedy? It's better than Lenny Henry any day."

A spokesman for the republican party Rep. Dwight D.Donaldson III, hit out. " This is horse shit. He never even auditioned for the damn show for criminy's sakes. How could he possibly have the balls to stand up there and take the credit. Next thing you know they'll award him the Nobel Peace prize for sending 40'000 extra troops to Afghanistan."

Mr. Obama was unavailable for further comment as he was accepting the Nobel prize for Chutzpah.

Edinburgh Man Opens Chain of Cheap Turban Shops In Punjab

(Above Left: How some American fuckwits might look. Right: The Ubiquitous Hardeep Singh Kohli Lectures on the evils of cheap turbans)

From Our Fashion Correspondent: Chandar Moghuls

A Leith Man and his entire family have enraged locals in India by opening a chain of cheap and nasty turban shops all over the fucking place.

Sir Tom MacFermer(51) who made his fortune selling Magic Trees and furry dice at extortionate prices decided to make the move after spotting a golden opportunity in the former Jewel in the Crown of the British Empire. 

" I flew over there in my private Boeing 747 for a conference of 2,000 other Billionaires on Climate Change. While I stayed at the Hilton Hotel I couldn't help noticing that a lot , if not most of  the local men outside were wearing funny rags on there head. A bit like what you see in Pollockshields, and Birmingham and that. Someone told me they were called Turbans. I couldn't believe that these guys had all just come out of the shower at the same instant. Then I was told that they wear them all the time, just like that annoying cunt who's never off the telly.I had to laugh. Then I realised a golden business opportunity to make a few bob selling them."

Sir Tom opened his first Shop in the center of the Punjab capital Chandigarh In  February 2006.  Six months later he opened another one two doors down, within the next year he had six just round the corner and by the end of 2008 had 157 within a quarter mile radius of each other. The shops are characterised by their poor quality products, the intensely loud cheesy bhangra music that blasts out from huge crackly speakers at the front and their stereotypically dressed staff. Prompting complaints from concerned locals and traditional retailers alike.

" One of the things that really gets my goats is a particularly idiotic piece of Punjabi Kitsch known as the 'See you Rani turban.' Moaned Ram Patel. The 91 year old owner of a traditional outfitters based in Chandigarh for 300 years. " The bloody thing even has a false chin strap like beard attached to it. The tourists think it's hilarious,especially American fuckwits, and all go around doing Peter Sellers impressions. They sell like fuck so I had to get in on it as well. Though that bastard MacFermer buys them in bulk from China so can sell cheaper. My Turbans are all made traditionally by local 9 year olds. It's a cunt. He's ruining it for everyone."

But Sir Tom blasted back." Look these guys have been ripping people off for years and filling their pockets. I have brought hilarious tasteless tacky buffoonery within the reach of the ordinary punter. What's wrong wi' that? I think they should get a sense of humour. Peter Sellers was a very funny man who made Sikhs a sidesplitting figure of fun the world over. Get over it."

Support for the locals has come from Sir Tom's home country however. The latest to throw his turban into the fray is none other than Hardeep Singh Kohli(37). A man who knows a thing or two about exploiting  a cultural icon. Speaking unexclusively to The Satire he pontificated. " I was brought up in the mean streets of  Glasgow where my parents scraped enough money to buy several properties, and send me and my brother to the tough St. Aloysius(150). Where boys were forced to participate in Polo, Lacrosse and debating societies. Later they sent me to Cambridge where I experienced racism when people kept asking me if I wanted curry when they invited me to dinner parties. I'm from Glasgow. So OK, I don't like tatties and mince and I do like curry, but that's hardly the point. What was the question?"

Mr Kohli then baffled everyone by being omnipresent and knowing very little about turbans.