Kay's Bar In Reasonably Priced Booze Shock!!!

(Above: JF fellates the pump in a vain attempt to solicit a tip from a gay millionaire )

The Revelation that a popular New Town Bar is to start selling affordable booze has caused outrage among at least six people.
"This is an outrage" Bellowed multi millionaire insider trader and former guest of Her Majesty,Major(Rtd)Rupert Morningside-Bently. "Before you know it the place will be full of rum types. Drinking lager, wearing overalls and farting while they sing poor quality soccer chants. Instead of decent well bred types in chords and brogues, farting along in unison to raucous and stout hearted rugger songs. I don't come here to sip a pink gin and trawl the personal columns of The Telegraph, so that my Spaniels can rub shoulders with the great unwashed. It's political 'what have you' gone mad. "DAAaaamnation!!" He roared, brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse&Hounds magazine and tripping over a black Labrador.

The Satire put the Majors point of view to a gentleman behind the bar who appeared to have just completed a triathlon wearing a shirt, tie and apron. Identifying himself only as "Jeff" and speaking for some bizarre reason in a comedy Allo Allo accent he told us .."Mon Dieu! Zut Alors! Fucksakes even! Eef zey don't like eet zey can fuck off. In fact what's eet to you? You can fuck off as well and take zees fucking Poodle with you. I have been tripping over the bastard all day."

Scottish Justice Minister, Commie killjoy and puritanical arsehole Kenny MacAskill was similarly upset. Speaking from his mansion and glugging Chateau Lafite 1787 he slurred. "We just can't have thish kind of behaviour. Before you know it we'd be letting dangerous terrorists out the jail."

Some found themselves disagreeing with the Major. German dissident, Big Yin/ Sammy Hagar Impersonator and regular drinker, Graf Olaf Von Furniss for example. Standing on the head of a Pekingese he ventured. "I disagree with that cunt yeah. I think it's a top Idea. Not only can I wash down an unfeasible amount of nuts with an affordable pint, but Glenrothes Whiskey is blindingly cheap to. Can I just add that Scotmid are total arseholes". Asked about what his Grandfather did during the war he coughed and claimed he'd been "on urlaub in Ibiza" at the time. Then made a sharp exit.

The news is a welcome breath of fresh air for this online Editor. I normally would have to save up my giros for weeks to have a drink in Kay's. Now I can mix with the upper crust boldly. After all if it wasn't for cunts like them. Cunts like me wouldn't have any houses to burgle. So here's to them."

Last word on the matter goes to the hitherto bellicose Major. "Well it's a sign of the times." He sighed philosophically. "I suppose you need somewhere to keep the riffraff out of The Canny Man's."

Graf Olaf Von Furniss is 103 apparently. (Hilarious.....isn't it.)

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2010 Already Pretty Shite

(Below: Our artists impression

of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.

Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."

All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.

In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.

In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.

And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.

"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."

Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.

New Social Network "Shitter" Launched

(Above: The Ideal Shitter set up as favoured by Stephen Fry)

Geeks, pedants and trainspotters worldwide are cock-a-hoop today as a brand new pointless social networking site is launched.

Sitting Happily In The Toilet Existentially Remonstrating or Shitter to it's fans, went online at 06:00 GMT accompanied by a mass band of Tubas playing ELP's Fanfare for the Common Man. In honour of the auspicious occasion. The singer and song writer Kate Melua released a special Edition of her hit single,This is the Closest Thing to Crazy, on which she farts out the tune by placing one hand in her armpit, flapping her opposite elbow frantically. No mean feat to achieve, let alone describe without footage.

First to sign up was well known polymath,wit and huffy twat Stephen Fry. " Oh I know all the Jeremiah's and Luddites out there will be throwing up there hands in despair saying 'oh whats the bloody point', but I for one can tell them it's tremendous fun and highly informative. Certainly not as nasty and vindictive as Twitter."

Stephen as a wit and Shitter, or Shitwit as they are known. Hopes to Shite at least twenty times a day. A typical example could look like this:

07:45 GMT . Morning Shitters. Just logging on and out...haha...regular as clockwork me...NNnnngggg..Ahhhhh...bit solid this morning...to much....Nnggggggg roughage I fear..I notice Gordon Brown...NNNnnnnnnn...CCCHhhrist!!! ...Oh bother there's somebody at the door.

08:01 GMT . Back again...Bloody postman..here we go...maybe this time...Aaaaaarrrgghhh NNNNNggg...Jesus the unholy stench.....I really must purchase some laxative...at my age it's ... UUUUUUUUUgghhhhh..God help me.... feels like a bowling ball....I see Westminster Abbey has a new....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHh.....At last...sweet relief....Fuck..forgot to buy bog roll...have to do the penguin walk to the kitchen now. Back soon.

Following Stephen's endorsement other celebrities are queuing up to keep the world appraised of their bowel movements, interspersed with plops of rapier sharp social comment.

I know this reporter has signed up to Lily Allen's. Hopefully there's a webcam.

Meerkat Does Something.

(Left: Our artist's impression of the alleged occurrence)

(Right: Meerkat in more familiar looking around nervously mode)

A Glasgow man "couldnae fuckin believe it" , when he went away from his television set for a minute to have a pish and something allegedly happened.

Frankie Douglas(31) an electrician from Partick had been half way through his umpteenth boring episode of The BBC's Meerkat Diaries when he decided it was fairly safe to go for slash.

" I was half way through my umpteenth boring episode when I thought 'Fuck this bollocks I'm gonnae have a pish'. I just lobbed oot ma boaby an started to pee when my girlfriend Mags started shouting an bawling an doin her nut. 'Hurry up! Wan ae yon rats is daen somethin.' Of course I thought she was kidding me on. But she swears blind that wan ae thae we bastards done somethin unusual the minute ma back was turned. Fuckin typical. Hour after bastard hour of watching the we cunts daein nine tenths of shag all, an the split second a look away somethin supposedly happened. Thank fuck I don't pay ma licence fee."

Sir Richard Attenborough(103) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " I know fuck all about Meerkats, sorry luvvy, I think you should Speak to my brother."

Sir David Attenborough(101) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " Holy Jesus! Meerkats! Don't talk to me about Meerkats. I've got the bastards coming out my arse. If you think watching them is a cunt. Try filming the twats. I'd wipe them out. Thank fuck I don't pay my licence fee."

The Satire is offering a free years subscription to anyone with any evidence of Meerkats doing anything other than running about furtively , eating an insect, or looking around the place.

Modern Police Force - Raymond Mearns Des Clarke

Obama Wins X Factor Bombshell!

Every cunt and his dog, including The US President, and Bo were completely bamboozled to discover that the leader of the free world was this years X Factor Winner.

"I'm completely Obamaboozled by this", said the White House's 44th incumbent before an equally flummoxed press corps. "For the life of me I can't even remember taking part. Nevertheless I accept the award on behalf of myself and the American people and pledge to continue winning prizes for competitions that I have not entered. God Bless Amnesia."

Asked how the fuck this could have happened by the rest of the X Factor's over confident egotistical twats, creator and host Simon Cowell explained." We realise that Mr. Obama can't sing, dance or stick a weird object up his cock, and fully appreciate the actuality he didn't get to the final or even enter or take part in any way. But the fact remains he is just the kind of guy who would win it if he had any talent or was in any way inclined towards doing any of those things. He has all the right ingredients. He is dynamic, black, confident, black, a Democrat, black and of course to top it all off he's black. Anyway have you seen his stand up comedy? It's better than Lenny Henry any day."

A spokesman for the republican party Rep. Dwight D.Donaldson III, hit out. " This is horse shit. He never even auditioned for the damn show for criminy's sakes. How could he possibly have the balls to stand up there and take the credit. Next thing you know they'll award him the Nobel Peace prize for sending 40'000 extra troops to Afghanistan."

Mr. Obama was unavailable for further comment as he was accepting the Nobel prize for Chutzpah.